Лаура Миллер - My Butterfly

“Yeah, uh, this whole night was for those who have been affected by the flooding,” I said and then took a second before I continued.

“My heart goes out to all those who have lost homes or livelihoods, and I’m just asking everyone, even after tonight, to continue to give to local efforts to support victims and to remember to keep them in their prayers,” I said.

“Well, thanks so much, Will, for coming out and speaking with us tonight,” Jason said. “It’s definitely a great cause to support.”

There was a short pause then, and Jason’s eyes quickly darted toward mine. It caught me off guard.

“I just have one more question,” he said. “You didn’t think you’d get out of this interview without me asking it, did you?”

I nervously chuckled, secretly dreading his question.

“No, I suppose not. Fire away,” I said, eventually.

“Well,” he said, “Will, we’ve never heard that last song, and it was pretty obvious to me that it was about a special girl in your life. Care to tell us about that?”

I sat there, frozen and speechless, while the moments of my life with Julia — both the ones I kept close and the ones I still dreamed of — were awakened again inside my chest and now threatened to erupt. I desperately tried to swallow them back down.

“Well, it was for a special girl,” I finally said. “She was my high school sweetheart.”

“Was she here tonight?” I barely heard him ask.

All of sudden, it felt as if I were in a small tunnel with all my memories buzzing past me instead of in the open, empty field.

“Uh, yes, she was here tonight,” I said.

“Well, where is she now?” he asked.

I let silent moments pass. Honestly, I hoped she was still here, that she had changed her mind, that she had stayed. But what is hope if it’s not fleeting?

“Well, I recon she’s on her way back to South Carolina,” I said.

I knew there was a sadness tightly wrapped around my voice now, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt’s head slowly lower.

“South Carolina, huh?” Jason asked. “So, does this mean you’re still on the market, for all those ladies listening tonight?”

A smile somehow squeezed past my lips.

“I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be any of those ladies here,” I reassured him. “See, they all knew me in junior high.”

Jason threw his head back and laughed.

“But no, sir, to answer your question,” I continued. “I’m taken, and I have been since I was sixteen or six. It’s all the same,” I confessed into the little mic.

I watched him nod his head.

“Well, all right, if she’s listening now, is there something you’d like to say to her?” he asked.

“I…,” I started and then stopped.

I was fighting back a stampede of emotions. My eyes were locked on my pocket and on the small box holding the life I thought I would have with her.

“I just want her to know that she’s still the same beautiful, after all these years, and that I’m here — always.”

I thanked Jason and pulled the headset from my ears and set it down.

“I’m sorry, man,” Matt said, as he walked over to me and patted my shoulder.

I glanced up at him but then quickly lowered my eyes.

“I just need a minute, Matt,” I said, starting to walk away.

“Sure, buddy,” he said.

I took off for the fence line and made my own path alongside it. It was dark, and there were trees grown up around me, so I felt hidden from the world. I walked until the posts and the wire ran out and the trees stopped. Then, I planted my feet and took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smell of tall grasses and dirt. I let it fill my lungs, and then I sent it back out into the cool air again.

What was I supposed to do without her?

The sound of metal hitting metal forced my attention back to the stage behind me. I turned but couldn’t see anything from where I stood. I figured they must have started cleaning up.

I sighed and then started my slow hike back to the stage. But this time, I followed the line of grass that had been pressed down by tires. I knew the line led to the makeshift parking lot, so I didn’t even bother to look up as I set one foot in front of the other and tried to think about my last conversation with Jules. I tried really hard to replay it in my head, but somehow, I just couldn’t. Then, I tried to think of what day it was, but I couldn’t think of that either. God, would I even be able to think without her?

I heard something else slam hard against what sounded like a bed of a truck. The loud noise forced my eyes upward again. Then, suddenly, I stopped.

“Julia.”

She turned in the plastic chair and then quickly stood up.

“Wha…,” I started to say.

I swallowed hard and tried again.

“Did you forget something?” I asked.

I wasn’t sure if I had spoken loud enough for her to have heard me or even if I had spoken at all.

She was quiet for a moment, and she didn’t move. Then, I watched as her eyes fell into mine and stayed there.

“Yes,” she said, finally.

My breaths became short, and I tried to swallow again.

“I forgot how much I love you,” she said.

I watched the sides of her lips anxiously turn up. Then, suddenly, I noticed that I couldn’t move, and my heart began a violent pounding against the inside of my chest.

“Could you use a hand?” she asked, taking a quick glance around at the field of plastic chairs before settling her gaze on me again.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her. And I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t speak. This went on for seconds, maybe even minutes. Then, finally, the words came.

“You’re beautiful,” I said.

A faint smile found my broken lips.

“You’re even more beautiful than in dreams,” I said, feeling my smile widen. “Though, I’m still prayin’ like crazy this isn’t one.”

Her pretty stare was still on me when I finished. She was smiling, but her eyes were pleading with me to do something. I remembered those eyes.

I forced my legs to come alive again, and I took a couple of steps in her direction, keeping my gaze locked in hers for my journey to her place in the field. And eventually, I planted my feet directly in front of her. But instead of taking her into my arms and squeezing her close — like I wanted so much to do — I stopped. I had one more thing to do that just couldn’t wait.

I felt my lips start to turn up as I bent down and touched one knee to the soil and the grass. Then, I reached into my jeans pocket, felt for a small box and pulled it out. I turned the box over in my hand, feeling its soft velvet against my fingertips. There was still a part of me trying to figure out if this were all real. But after a moment, I brought the velvet box to view in between us and lifted it toward her. And with my other hand, I took the lid and slowly pulled it back.

“Julia Austin Lang,” I began, “I love you more than anything in this world, and I could never imagine spending a second more of my life without you. And I’ve more than learned life’s lesson. I’m not gonna let you get away again.”

I paused to let my smile grow wider.

“Jules, will you marry me — some day very soon?”

I watched as her lips fell open and her hand rushed to cover them. Her green eyes were big and bright, but she made no sound.

I kept my eyes in hers, feeling every, exaggerated heartbeat in my chest.

Then, eventually, I spotted a smile behind her delicate fingers. And soon after, a nod followed.

I lowered my eyelids and then my head.

“Thank you, God,” I whispered to myself.

Then, I lifted my eyes to hers again. I was pretty sure a smile was permanently tattooed to my face as I rose to my feet. And once I was standing, I gently took her hand from her lips and slipped the ring onto her pretty ring finger. Then, I brought my forehead to hers and breathed in her perfume and her smile and this moment. And when I couldn’t take not holding her for one more second, I scooped her up into my arms.

She squealed her little, high-pitched squeal and wrapped her arms around my neck, as I put my lips to her ears.

“Thank you for coming back to me, Jules,” I whispered.

A moment went by. Then, I felt her breaths near my ear.

“I told you I’d come back,” she whispered, as she rested her head gently against my shoulder. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

“You ready?” I asked her.

She flashed me a wide smile.

“Okay, no turning back now,” I playfully warned her.

She shook her head back and forth and laughed that pretty laugh of hers.

“Everyone,” I announced, “this is my wife-to-be.”

I held Jules’s hand tightly in mine.

The heads in the tiny bar, which was more crowded than usual, all spun in our direction. I found Jules’s pretty eyes and waited for her to find mine. She did seconds later. I smiled at her with a smile that could only be for her. And as she held her gaze in mine, the corners of her lips started to rise again. And right then, I saw in her every moment that made her, her and every moment that made us, us. I saw her blond hair bathed in the sun’s rays as she sat atop a set of monkey bars, laughing and calling out my name. I saw the fire’s flames dancing on the gold in her eyes the night I knew she had found it in her heart to see me differently than her monkey-bar days. On her sweet lips, I saw the words she had wanted to say in the years we had been apart but just somehow couldn’t because it wasn’t the right time. And I saw all our goodbyes and our hurts written on her face, but now, they were also intertwined with our hopes and our dreams and the moments that now bind us together. And I couldn’t help but think right then: I love this girl.