Лаура Миллер - My Butterfly

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Will,” she said then, sounding strangely uneasy.

I angled my head slightly to the side. At the same time, my heart started this slow, methodical beating, as if it were preparing for bad news.

“Well, she is always throwing out invitations, and I thought, I’ve never been to San Diego; I might as well go now before she graduates and moves somewhere else, you know?” I half-lied.

Rachel’s eyes remained in mine. She was making me nervous. I watched her take a deep breath and then let out a sigh.

“You should probably give her some time,” she said.

She looked at me as if I were some abandoned puppy or something. And Time? What the hell was all this talk about time? Is it never the right time for anything? I was beginning to think that waiting was nothing but a fool’s game — either that or it was genius. But either way, it sure wasn’t fun.

“Wait,” I said. “What?”

She stared at me with a blank expression.

“You do know, right?” she asked.

My eyes narrowed.

“Know what?” I asked.

My heart almost couldn’t take the suspense. Know what?

She continued to stare at me for a few more seconds, and then suddenly, her lips started to turn up into a smile.

“Wait, why did you buy a ticket to San Diego?” she asked.

My puzzled stare was turning bashful fast.

“I, uh, thought it might be nice to see San Diego, and it might also be nice to have someone show me around that knows it,” I lied again.

I shifted my weight to my heels. I did really hate lying to her, and I had been prepared to tell her everything, but that was before she had scared the hell out of me with that depressed look of hers at first.

“Hold on,” I said. “What don’t I know?”

I watched her quickly draw a half circle around us with her eyes. Then, she brought her face closer to mine.

“She broke off her engagement,” she whispered near my ear.

My mouth fell open.

“What?” I asked.

She leaned back and simply nodded her head.

A smile tried to push its way to my face, but I quickly hid it as best as I could by throwing my gaze to the ground.

“Why?” I asked her, lifting my eyes again.

Rachel took in a deep breath through her nose.

“I’m not quite sure exactly, except that he just wasn’t ‘the one,’” she said, holding up quotation marks with her fingers.

I thought about it for a moment — let it process — before I lowered my eyes and found the asphalt near my feet again. And within seconds, I felt Rachel’s hand on my shoulder.

“Give her some time, Will,” she said.

I started to smile to myself as Rachel walked away.

There was that time word again. But this time, it didn’t bother me nearly as much.

I watched Rachel get into her car and pull away, and when she was out of sight, I let the sides of my mouth turn up until they couldn’t turn up anymore. So, it would be more than a week and a half before she would know everything now. That thought sobered me up a bit. But now, at least, I had time to get my plan together.

“Time,” I said, under my breath, as I shook my head.

Time seemed as if it were the answer for everything these days.

“You ready, Will?”

The muffled voice hit my ears as if it were asking me if I were ready to go into battle or something. There was a weariness in the tiny recording studio. But it wasn’t coming from the thin man or the thicker, bald man who moved buttons up and down on the other side of the glass window in front of me. And it wasn’t the fact that they were staring at me either. I had somehow gotten used to them over the last couple of years. What I hadn’t gotten used to, though, were the big headphones that swallowed my ears and the weird microphone that threatened to devour my face. They were still strange, but they also weren’t the cause of my anxiousness. No, the anxiousness wasn’t a guest of the present — but of the future, I guessed, as I stepped closer to the mic. It was more like that uneasy feeling of not knowing if you’ve spent the good majority of your life doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It was that feeling of finally having reached the top of that river bluff but then not knowing what to do when you got there.

I nodded my head in the direction of the thin man behind the glass.

“I’m ready,” I said into the mic.

My eyelids slowly fell shut then, and I lowered my head. I had one chance to tell her what I should have told her years ago. In my head, I recited a silent prayer: Lord, get this to her ears. Then, I heard the music, and gradually, the words of her song began to instinctively fall off my lips:

I sang the last words of the song and then lowered my head. And eventually, the music faded back into my headphones.

“That’ll do it, Will,” a voice hit my ears then. “That’ll make the girls happy.”

An anxious smile slowly found its way to my lips.

“I’m only concerned about one,” I softly said to myself.

“Hey, man, have you seen Rachel?”

“Uh-uh,” Jeff said, before he threw another dart at the wall.

I watched the dart hit a big circle, far from the bull’s-eye. Then, I kept moving.

“Hey, Will, where ya goin’? I’ve gotta tell you something,” Jeff called out, his words trailing behind me.

I ignored him. It couldn’t be as important as what I had to tell Rachel.

The den led off into the living room where Jon was sitting on the couch watching the Cards’ game with a couple of other guys.

“Jon, where’s your fiancé?” I asked.

I watched him try to turn his head, but it looked as if his eyes wouldn’t let him.

“Uh, I think she’s on the front porch.”

I took a quick glance at the score of the game and kept moving again. A room and a screen door later, my feet were planted on a row of old, wooden porch boards — the kind where the color of paint never changed only because you just couldn’t imagine it being a different color. The fan was on high above me. I instantly felt its breeze as I turned my head and spotted Rachel.

“Rach,” I said, marching forward.

Then, suddenly, I stopped when I noticed who was also sitting next to her.

“Jessica,” I said, as I planted my feet.

I knew I must have sounded surprised to see her. I watched her face turn down toward the wooden floorboards before she met my eyes again.

“Hi, Will,” she said.

I hadn’t seen her since our night at the diner.

“I didn’t realize you were here,” I said.

“I came with Jeff,” she said, softly, lifting her eyes only a moment before tossing them to the floorboards again.

“Oh, okay,” I said, moving again.

I pulled out a chair from along the wall and fell into it.

“So, how have you been?” I asked Jessica.

“Good,” she said, almost bashfully.

I smiled and caught Rachel staring at me with a strange smirk on her face. I scrunched my eyebrows together and stared back at her with a puzzled look.

“She came with Jeff,” Rachel said, making sure to drag out the word came as if it were important or something.

I slowly turned my head sideways, giving her a clue that I didn’t know what the hell she was getting at. So. She was always with Jeff. I glanced over at Jessica. Was she in on this game too?

Jessica was smiling, which wasn’t unusual, but there was still something different about her smile.