Лаура Миллер - My Butterfly

“Well,” I said, trying hard to censor the parts where I sulk most nights thinking of her, “I got a job on the department in St. Louis.”

“Wow, that’s great, Will,” she said, smiling wider.

I followed her stare to a spot on the table then and watched as her smile started to fade. It looked as if she were thinking about something.

“What?” I asked her.

Her eyes quickly flashed back to mine.

“Oh, nothing,” she said. “It’s just that it went by so fast.”

I nodded my head as her eyes lingered for a second in mine.

“Do you still play sometimes?” she asked.

I pushed my lips together, thinking about the band and our weekend nights.

“Sometimes,” I said.

“Good,” she said, smiling again.

I locked my eyes in hers then.

“You know, I bet doctors come home smelling worse then ashes,” I said, cracking a smile. “Have you ever smelled the inside of a hospital?”

“Will,” she playfully scolded.

“Okay, okay,” I said. “But don’t say I never warned you.”

She shot me that cute, pouty face that she stored in that arsenal of expressions she owned. She must have known that she was killin’ me. I let my eyes linger in hers a second too long, but she didn’t seem to mind. Jules was still in there somewhere. I took a deep breath in and then gradually let it out, as a knowing smile found its way back to my face.

“You were on his emergency contacts,” I heard a voice say on the other side of the curtain.

I felt my heart speed up, and my eyelids instantly fell shut. Emergency contacts. I had forgotten about that. I sat up straight and tried to make out my reflection in the black, television screen. I probably looked like hell.

I combed back my hair with my fingers and then listened for Jules’s voice, but for several moments, there was only silence. My eyes darted back and forth from the curtain to the only piece of the door that I could see, as I anxiously rubbed my palms against the white blanket, subconsciously smoothing out its deep wrinkles. Then, finally, her thin frame emerged from the temporary wall. And her eyes instantly caught mine.

“Hey, are you okay?” Julia asked.

Her voice was soft and shaken. I was pretty sure I was expecting her to be pissed that I had uprooted her from doing whatever she had been doing more than a hundred miles away.

“I’m fine,” I said. “If I would have known that they were going to call you, I would have told them not to.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s okay. I mean, they really couldn’t tell me anything on the phone. What happened?”

“Just an unlucky step, which led to an unlucky fall, that’s all,” I said. “In reality, it’s all kind of a blur. I remember feeling the heat from the flames. I remember stepping backward, and the next thing I remember is being here, in this bed.”

“They said that it knocked you out, and your wrist…,” she started, her eyes falling to the cast on my arm.

“Yeah, it’s broken, but it should heal pretty fast,” I said.

I watched as she tried to force a smile.

“Listen,” I said, “I’m really sorry that you had to drive all this way. It’s stupid. I’m fine. And it’s stupid that I even have you on the list. You were just the first person I thought of. It was a while ago, out of habit, I guess,” I lied, “and you never expect to ever have to need that list…”

“Will, stop,” she said and then rested her hand on my good arm. “I’m just happy that you’re okay. You could’ve been…”

I met her gaze.

“But I wasn’t,” I said.

I rested my eyes in hers and took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. Moments passed before either one of us spoke.

“The nurse said that you were wearing this when you came in,” she eventually said, opening her palm up to me.

Inside, was the silver pin with the angel pulling up the firefighter. I took it from her hand. My eyes traced every line that made up the metal pin, trying to recall, first, the moments that led to my fall, and second, the percentage of good men and women who didn’t make it past a fall like that. And after a minute, I looked back up to find Julia’s eyes clouding with tears.

“Jules,” I said, trying to reach for her but getting pulled back by the IVs still attached to me. “I wear it all the time. I’m here because of it. I’m fine because of it.”

My eyes followed over the sad lines in her face.

“Come here,” I said then, gesturing her closer to me.

I scooted over as much as I could in the tiny bed and used my good arm to pat the small space on the mattress I had just made for her.

She seemed to hesitate at first, but then eventually, she climbed onto the bed and nuzzled into the small place between my chest and the bed’s railing. I wrapped my good arm around her shoulder and brought my hand, still cradling the pin, to rest on her opposite arm. I could tell that she was a little reluctant to rest her head on my chest, but she did it anyway, as I squeezed her still closer to me and smiled.

“I’m not keepin’ ya from any big plans tonight, am I?” I asked.

I heard her laugh once and then felt her head move back and forth.

I smiled wider and then rested my cheek on her head.

“I’d offer you something to drink, but the drink selection in here is awful, and the service isn’t much better,” I whispered into her ear.

She laughed that pretty laugh of hers again.

“That’s okay,” she said. “I’m hitting up another hospital after this, and it’s supposed to be like five stars or something AND have live entertainment.”

I raised my head up from hers.

“Live entertainment, huh?” I asked her.

“Mm hmm,” she said, nodding into my chest.

One side of my mouth started to lift into a grin.

“Baby, you’re not going anywhere else tonight because this place might be lacking in other areas, but it is definitely not lacking in the entertainment department.”

She giggled.

“I got songs — lots of songs,” I continued. “What do you want to hear?”

I heard her mumble something, but I couldn’t quite make it out.

“Hmm?” I asked, lowering my ear closer to her lips.

“‘Brown Eyed Girl,’” she said, a little clearer.

“Oh,” I said, smiling. “You mean ‘Green Eyed Girl’?”

I felt her playfully tap my chest with her hand. And I brought my cheek to rest on her head again. It felt so good for her to be next to me. I squeezed her still closer to my body and breathed in the sweet smell of her hair.

It sure wasn’t my intention to fall through a ceiling and down a story, but it sure wasn’t ending that badly either.

“‘Green Eyed Girl’ it is,” I softly said, as I smiled wide and made sure to keep my thoughts to myself.

I opened my eyes to white ceiling tiles and what sounded like a loose wheel on some type of cart or something rambling past the room. I closed my eyes again and tried to recall how I had gotten there. There was a call, a fire and then…there was Julia. My eyes shot open. She was still asleep on my chest, and my arm was still around her. I tried to rest my hand on her arm, but I couldn’t feel my hand. It must have fallen asleep. My eyes darted back to her face as I watched her nuzzle her head deeper into my chest. I froze then and became conscious of my every movement out of fear that the slightest flinch would wake her. I couldn’t help but want to watch her sleep. She looked so peaceful. She always looked peaceful when she slept, and while I wasn’t quite convinced that this would be the last time I would ever get this moment — to watch her dream — I had learned something yesterday — that no moment was guaranteed.

I caught her head move again, and then I noticed her eyes flutter open. I quickly forced my eyelids over my eyes again and pretended to be asleep.

She was still for a few more seconds, but then she quickly sat up. I peeked out of one eye and saw her reaching for something on the floor. It looked as if it might be her shoes maybe. Where was she going?

“Good morning, sunshine,” I said, pretending to wake up.

I stretched my good arm toward the ceiling and started to sit up but then fell back with a groan.

“God, what happened to me?” I asked, faintly smiling.

Her face angled back toward mine.

“You’d think I had fallen through a burning building or something,” I continued.

She laughed once.

“Careful there, Spider-Man. You’re probably going to be a little sore,” she said, as she sent a smile my way and then went back to putting on her shoes.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I am going to get us some breakfast,” she said, in a way that made it sound as if it were an announcement.

She paused for a moment, glanced back at me again and then softy smiled. It didn’t seem like a happy smile.

“And then, I’ve got to get home,” she said.

My heart sank, but I forced a smile anyway.

“This hospital bed not homey enough for you?” I asked.

Her lips started to edge up her face just a little more, as she sarcastically batted her eyelashes at me.

“You have bed head,” she said then, snickering.

I playfully narrowed my eyes but then smiled as I noticed the long second that her gaze lingered in mine.

“There’s a doughnut shop across the street,” she said, eventually dropping her eyes from mine and then grabbing her purse from a table at the foot of the bed.