Fitzwilliam Darcy was an intelligent man, but he did not appear to comprehend her joke –perhaps because he was an intelligent man. He blankly stared at her. She sighed and said, “Fitzwilliam, did you honestly expect Gloriana to be a mere pony?” 

“She is glorious, Elizabeth … as are you, albeit downright silly as a goose.” 

She playfully swatted his arm. Darcy glanced around for the others, who were at Zephyr’s stall; and although he longed for much more, he only dared put his arm around her and quickly brush his lips against her soft cheek. His deep voice vibrated near her ear. “Lizzy, I want to rain kisses upon you but must keep a tight rein on my desire; you reign over my heart, my faerie queen, and I am your loyal subject.” 

Elizabeth saw the others approach, so she tore her eyes away from the intensity in his. “I have been thinking about The Faerie Queen and the Arthurian legends, Sir Fitzwilliam; and I, your queen Elizabeth, have a challenge for you.” 

“Once again, I am almost afraid to ask. Nonetheless, ask I shall, since it is what my queen desires. What is this challenge?” 

“I challenge you to a duel of punnery.” 

“There is no such word, your majesty. But since you have thrown down the gauntlet, I must pun-derously accept.” Darcy peeled off his kid gloves, flung them to the ground, and silently dared her to do the same. Elizabeth followed suit and boldly stripped off kid gloves as well. The temptation was too great. Her fiancé quickly snatched both her bare hands and kissed them ardently, and repeatedly, while gazing into her fine eyes. 

“Ahem!” Colonel Fitzwilliam suddenly appeared next to Darcy. With arms crossed over his chest, he lectured, “Youn-g-loves, now is not the time, and here is not the place, to dispense with decorum.” 

Lizzy blushed but cried, “Ooh, another contestant! Please join us, Sir Richard. We are about to engage in a battle of puns relating to King Arthur.” 

Darcy whined, “Elizabeth, you did not previously mention the puns had to conform to a certain theme. You most certainly have an unfair advantage, madam. In fact, I now suspect you have come to this tournament equipped with a prepared arsenal of quips.” 

“Are you conceding defeat already, Sir Fitzwilliam?” 

“Upun my word, I am not! Let the pun and games begin.” 

His cousin groaned and opened his mouth to protest. Elizabeth, arms akimbo, said, “Colonel, kindly save your groans for after my opponent’s puns. Following mine, however, laughter will be most welcome and appreciated.” 

When the officer asked how they would determine the winner, Lizzy suggested Charlotte would be an impartial judge. 

“But I want to play too!” 

Jane solved the problem by saying, “I shall not be joining the challenge but will decide the victor. I require a great deal of forethought before forming a pun. I am far too slow.” 

Quick as a wink, her fiancé was beside Jane; and when she looked up at him, Colonel Stud-muffin winked and whispered, “I disagree, love. I happen to know you are rather fast.” 

“Richard!” Jane hissed, “You are incorrigible.” 

“Only because you incorrige me, sweetheart.” 

Elizabeth shook her head and objected, “Jane, there is no way you are going to be impartial where the Colonel is concerned. I believe the only solution is to return home and have our father adjudicate.” 

Darcy doubted whether Mr. Bennet would be unbiased. Good God, what has this woman done to me? Here I am worried over such nonsense as a punnery contest ruling. Where is the old Fitzwilliam Darcy who would have scoffed at such folly? That perfectionist would never have lowered himself to partake in a situation where he could be ridiculed, and that poor man would have missed out on so much joy. 

His cousin was thinking along similar lines, and he marvelled at the fate that had so fortunately brought the Bennet ladies into their lives. Darcy had always been lively enough in company of his immediate family and very close friends but extremely reserved in public. Miss Elizabeth was perfect for him and had already been the cause of more smiles on Darcy’s face in the short months of their acquaintance than had ever been cracked in his entire life. Colonel Fitzwilliam knew instinctively Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy’s marriage would be a benchmark of conjugal happiness, as would his own with dearest, loveliest Jane. 

Of course, once the five returned to the townhouse and explained the contest, Mr. Bennet wanted to participate rather than adjudicate. Lydia also insisted on being included, so straws were drawn to form teams and to determine which went first. Elizabeth was paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam, Lydia with Mr. Darcy, and Charlotte with Mr. Bennet. Their audience, consisting of Sir William, Lady Lucas, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Mary, and Kitty, would decide the winning team by the volume and duration of applause each pun earned. 

Lydia and her partner went first. After consulting with Mr. Darcy, she stood and offered, “Sir Mount had a bad dream about his horse. It was a knight-mare.” This earned smiles and a polite round of applause for the little girl. Darcy was proud of Lydia, as she had come up with the premise on her own and just needed help with the phrasing. She reminded him so much of Lizzy, both in looks and temperament, that he felt he was being allowed a glimpse of what his betrothed would have been like at seven years of age. 

With his collaborator’s approval, Colonel Fitzwilliam, being a military man, stood at attention and pronounced, “When a knight in armour was killed in battle, his gravestone said ‘rust in peace.’” Predictably, Jane clapped the longest and loudest for her beloved fiancé and sister. 

Mr. Bennet held off and allowed Charlotte to fire their first salvo. “A knight put his arm-our ’round his lady.” Sir William and Lady Lucas hoped Lieutenant-Colonel Dun would be their daughter’s knight in shining armour and heartily applauded her choice. 

At Lydia’s nod of consent, Darcy smugly fired back, “A knight courting his lady wore a suit of amore.” Groans were heard amongst the sparse clapping, and he knew he would have to do better next round and avoid Italian words. 

Jane was jealously relieved when her sister stopped whispering close to Richard’s ear. Lizzy stood and proclaimed, “King Arthur had a Round Table so no one could corner him.” A smattering of applause and groans caused Elizabeth to sit back down in a huff. She crossed her arms, glared at her father, and silently challenged him. 

“Thank you, Lizzy, for mentioning that very special table. It made me think the knights facing each other at King Arthur’s Round Table disagreed a lot because they were diametrically opposed.” That pun initially went over all but Sir William’s head; and he was the only one to clap until the rest of the audience caught on and joined in the applause. 

Darcy was out of his depth and relied on his little companion. Luckily, Lydia remembered a recent discussion between their governess and Kitty; and she was able to put forth, “The Dark Ages were so named because there were so many knights.” The youngest member of the contest beamed as her audience clapped. 

Colonel Fitzwilliam thought his partner’s brilliant offering would put them in the lead, and the appreciative round of applause Miss Elizabeth received gratified him. Her pun was ‘Old knights in chain mail never die. They joust shuffle off their metal coils’. 

Lydia tugged on Mr. Darcy’s sleeve and asked him to explain. “It is a play on words from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Miss Lydia. The quote is: ‘What dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.’ And I am afraid we will have to try very hard to top that pun, little one.” 

“But I still do not understand it, Mr. Darcy.” 

“Remember in the park, when you found the sparrow?” When Lydia nodded, he continued, “Well, the bird had divested itself of its mortal coil. It no longer needed its earthly body, because it had died. Do you understand?” Again she nodded; and Darcy smiled and said, “Good. We are to be brother and sister, you know. So you must never be afraid to approach me if you have a question. Now, let us hear what our other opponents are saying.” 

“Miss Lucas, do you happen to know which monarch of medieval England was famous because he spent so many knights at his Round Table writing books?” 

Charlotte clasped her hands under her chin and gazed in rapt wonder at her friend’s father. “Why, no! Oh, but please do enlighten us, Mr. Bennet.” 

“It was King Author, of course.” Their opponents thought the two were unfairly hamming it up, but the audience groaned and reluctantly clapped. 

Susanna Palmer, the housekeeper, tiptoed into the room, curtsied, and spoke softly to Mrs. Bennet, who then announced dinner would soon be served. “I have advised Mrs. Palmer to keep the first course of stew and biscuits warm until we end the final round. I suggest each team must now present two puns per turn, so we can finish here before we all shuffle off our mortal coils due to starvation.” 

Bloody hell, this is entirely too much pressure! Fiend seize it, as Bingley would say! Egad, why am I fretting over this inanity? Who would believe Fitzwilliam Darcy, heir to Pemberley, Northumbrella, and the famous Darcy fortune would be involved in such folly? The gentleman from Derbyshire looked around at his new family and realized he had never been happier, and he anticipated spending many more days and nights in such a manner. Knights! After a quick consultation with his teammate, he announced, “When those around King Arthur’s Round Table had insomnia, there were a lot of sleepless knights. So the straight-edged ruler decreed his men must, thereafter, practice joust at knight.” Darcy could not keep the smirk off his face as he sat down, crossed his arms, and stared defiantly at his wife-to-be while the audience cheered and clapped. There! Just try and trounce that trenchant triple treasure, Miss Lizzy Bennet.