Katy Evans - Mine

He laughs triumphantly. “We knew you’d say that or you wouldn’t be you, so the Jack’s for us. We got you something else.” He leaves the room, then returns and reveals a brown bag from Whole Foods. “Likey? You wanna talk about good friends now?”

I toss him a pillow. “Bring that over!” I peer into the bag and spot a turkey wrap, the kind I like, and suddenly my friends’ gestures and support enfold me like the hug they just gave me, snug and tight.

“You guys are so good to me,” I say, setting the bag on my nightstand.

Melanie tugs my ponytail. “Have you noticed you’re mush now?” She squeezes my arm and when my little bicep responds to her, she amends, “Uh, on the inside.”

I burst out laughing, then close my eyes and see blue eyes, spiky hair. I want to squish him so hard, but he’s so far away. I wrap my hands around his baby instead. Then I look at my phone. Remy isn’t as dependent on phones and Internet as other people are. Neither am I, but now I’m clinging to my phone as my thread to him. He’s not even the type to text, but I don’t freaking care. Call me tonight if you want to?

It takes over an hour for him to answer, but I grin like a dope when he answers: Just landed. I’ll call.

We watch a movie, then Melanie hops up from the bed. “Hey, Chicken! Did I tell you? Next guy I sleep with is in for a treat. I just took pole-dancing classes!” She grabs my floor lamp and proceeds to show us just what she learned, moving sinuously with her body, one jean-clad leg wrapped around the stem. “Kyle, that get your motor running?”

“Dude, it would be like incest if it did,” Kyle says, from where he straddles my desk chair.

“Why? You’re not my brother!” she protests. “Come on. Does it get your motor revving?” She moves her tush for him to see.

Kyle sits there, looking exactly like Justin Timberlake, and he says, hesitantly, “It’s . . . sputtering.”

“Pan, come here. Peter Pan, move with me so Kyle can get his rusty motor up and going. I’m going to teach you what I learned for free.” Pandora goes to the iPod dock and sets her phone on the base. A rock song immediately blasts inside my bedroom.

“All right, let’s get Kyle hard over there!” Discarding her leather jacket as if she’s stripping for the poor man, she heads over to Mel. And then she and Melanie start bumping asses and having a blast, and I find myself listening to the song, trying to find the lyrics through all the noise, wondering if it’s even something I’d ever play to him.

It’s useless, so I grab Remy’s iPod and put in my earbuds and listen to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone.” It’s so nice to listen to a song that you get. Or that gets you. That makes you realize what you’re feeling is human, and normal, even if it may be a feeling you wished you didn’t have.

I text him the YouTube link. He doesn’t text back, and I assume he’s in the gym, punching his bags unrecognizable.

How is he going to cope these two months apart?

I can’t shake off the thought that, even though I’m the more emotional one, this will test him more than it will test me.

I’m still wondering about it when the cramps begin. I shift on the bed as my friends keep talking and all my awareness hones in on the god-awful cramps that make my fight or flight surge to life. If feels like someone is hurting my baby. My own body is hurting my baby. I search the iPod for songs that calm me, and the only song that succeeds is “Iris.”

But the pain intensifies. I quietly remove my earbuds and slowly get up from the bed. My friends fall completely quiet when they see me walk, folded over, to the bathroom. I shut the door and when I check, I realize the blood is back. And heavy.

For a moment I just breathe roughly through my nose and lean my head against the tile, trying to calm down. I touch my stomach lovingly and try to talk to my baby in my head, telling him that nobody is going to hurt him. That he is very wanted and already very loved.

I imagine looking into the blue eyes I love while having to tell Remy that I lost his baby. A well of emotion seizes me again, and tears I thought I no longer had threaten to surface once more.

“Mel,” I shout through the door. “Mel, I don’t know if this baby is going to make it.”

She opens the door with a forlorn expression. “Brooke, he’s calling. It’s been ringing several times. Do I answer?”

“No! No!”

“You look bad, but he told me to tell him the instant you needed him. Brookey, I think I should let him know—”

“No! Melanie, NO. Look, he can’t do anything. He needs to fight! There’s something he needs to do. Our baby and I will support him, not hinder him. Do you hear me?”

“Then at least let me take you to the hospital—you look like you’re being torn in two!” she says.

“Yes—no! I shouldn’t move around. I need to . . . rest. I am not . . . losing . . . this baby. . . .” I drag in a breath and shake my head; then I sniffle. “Please bring me my phone?”

She brings it over and I text him instead. My friends are still here. Maybe we should talk tomorrow?

Same time?

Yes, any time

Ok

Good night Remy

You too.

I set the phone aside and close my eyes as another tear slips free. He’s a good and a quiet guy and he doesn’t text, but I already feel torn apart from him. Deep breath.

“Help me pull the progesterone cream out of my suitcase?” I say out to the room.

Mel comes out to the bathroom and starts clapping like some fifth-grade teacher who’s had enough already. “Guys, playtime’s over, I’m tucking Brooke into bed.”

Kyle and Pandora clean up their snacks, and I’m embarrassed to look at them with my swollen face, but I can feel their concern as I come out and lie down on the bed. When they leave, I smear myself with the cream, getting it on my stomach, my thighs. Then Melanie comes out of the bathroom in an old T-shirt.

“It’s been forever since we did a pj party—I mean just us.” She grins and dives in under the covers with me; then she disappears and I hear her voice near my stomach. “And you? Didn’t you get the memo? You’re a fighter! Son of Riptide and Brooke! Show your mom and dad what you’re made of!”

I smile when she comes back up, and I close my eyes, feeling hopeful that our little baby is listening.

I wake up and smell something that, for once, does not make me nauseous. It’s sweet and fragrant and it invites me to take a good long whiff. I look around, and Melanie is going in and out of the room. Riptide red is splattered everywhere. Riptide-red roses are bursting open inside my room.

“Good morning, Juliet. Your Romeo sent these. They’re still unloading the rest off the truck. And I’m calling in to the gym that I already put in my hour workout.”

I smile and try to stand, but Melanie says, “Tut-tut! No standing. What do you need?”

“To pee! And to smell these, be still my fucking heart! Is this a note?” I pull open a note that’s nestled among the roses on my nightstand and my eyes well up when I see a song name. Melanie gathers a couple more notes and brings them over, and I open one to discover another song name. I haven’t heard these songs, but I’m already excited.

I give myself permission, because I’m pregnant and so fucking stressed, to have a little cry. Everyone knows if you hold it in, you get sick, and I don’t want to be sick. I want to be healthy—I want to give Remy a baby and a family. Something he has never had. So I cry. Then I text him, I miss your eyes. Your hands. Your face. Your dimples!

Then I take a picture of my room, so full of roses so that I can barely see my window, and send it.

That’s what I see now from my bed.

I then kiss my phone.

“You’re a dope!” Mel says as she brings the rest.

“So what, who cares?” I saucily return as I set my phone aside, because I know he won’t be checking it when he’s training, and he’ll probably train extra hard, so I go rub progesterone on myself again. I read that I can get a headache if I overdo it, but Melanie and I were on some forums last night reading that the cream stopped tons of women from miscarrying, and I want to put my name on that list.

I grab some books, set my laptop on the bed, and basically set up a mini office so that I don’t have to stand. I feel like my ovaries ache, but they’re not cramping, and I’m starting to wonder if this cream is really working.

I hear Mel finish with the florist and decide to skip my shower, merely because I don’t want to be standing up all that time, so I just find fresh clothes and change with caution.

Nora is supposed to visit during the day so Melanie can go to work, but instead of Nora appearing after Mel brings some fruit and cottage cheese for us to breakfast on, I get to hear Melanie call me from outside my bedroom, saying, “Brookey! Your parents are here!”

Melanie goes to let them in, so I edge out of bed, very attentive to how I’m feeling. I don’t feel any cramps, so I walk to the living room and immediately take a couch, and there they are, wide-eyed and shocked at me, standing and staring.

“Brooke.”

The way my mother utters my name fills me with dread.

And the moment I see both my parents, coupled with the way they say my name, I know they know. Grief settles over me when I absorb their normally bright expressions and realize they seem to have aged an entire decade. How can news of a beautiful baby age them like this?

“We would have expected it from Nora, but from you?” my mother says, and ohmigod, they do know. How come they know?