'Movie?' Grandmere said, with a sniff. 'Read that book, Amelia, and see if it doesn't teach you a thing or two about

how men and women relate to one another.'

'Grandmere,' I said, not sure how to break it to her that she was way behind the times. 'I think people who want to know

how men and women relate to one another are reading Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus these days.'

'Read it!' Grandmere yelled, so loudly that she scared Rommel clear off her lap. He slunk off to cower behind a potted geranium.

I swear I don't know what I did to deserve a grandmother like mine. Lilly's grandma totally worships her boyfriend, Boris Pelkowski. She is always sending him Tupperware tubs of kreplach and stuff. I don't know why I have to get a grandma

who is already trying to get me to break up with a guy I've only been going out with for twenty-four days.







Seven days, twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes until I see him again.









Tuesday, January 12, 10 a.m.,

Session of Genovian Parliament




Jane Eyre is boring, so far nothing but orphanages, bad haircuts and a lot of coughing.










Tuesday, January 12, 2 p.m.,

Still in a Session of Genovian Parliament




Jane Eyre looking up. She has gotten a job as a governess in the house of very rich guy, Mr Rochester.

Mr Rochester is bossy, much like Wolverine, or Michael.








Tuesday; January 12, 5 p.m.,

Still Sitting in on Session of Genovian Parliament



Mr Rochester = total hottie. Going on my list of Totally Hot Guys between Hugh Jackman and that

Bosnian dude from ER.








Tuesday, January 12, 7 p.m.,

Ivory Dining Room


Jane Eyre = total idiot! It was not Mr Rochester's fault! Why is she being so mean to him?



Wednesday, January 13, 3 a,m.,

Royal Genovian Bedchamber




OK, I guess I understand what Grandmere was getting at with this book. But seriously, that whole part where Mrs Fairfax warns Jane not to get too chummy with Mr. Rochester before the wedding was just because back in those days there was

no birth control. Well, and also the part about him already having a wife.

Still - and I may have to consult with Lilly on this - I am pretty sure it is unwise to pattern one's behaviour on the advice

of a fictional character, especially one from a book written in 1846.

However, I do get the general gist of Mrs Fairfax's warning, which was this: Do not chase boys. Chasing boys can lead

to horrible things like mansions going up in flames, hand amputations and bigamous marriages. Have some self-respect

and don't let things go too far before the wedding day.

Which in modern parlance translates to Don't Put Out Until Senior Prom.

I get this. I so get this.

But what is Michael going to think if I just stop calling???? I mean, he might think I don't like him any more!!!!

I guess that is Grandmere's point. I guess you are supposed to keep boys on their toes this way.

I don't know. But it seemed to work with Grandpa. And for Jane, in the end. I guess I could give it a try.

But it won't be easy. It is nine o'clock at night in Florida right now. Who knows what Michael is doing? He might have

gone down to the beach for a stroll and met some beautiful, homeless musician girl, who is living under the boardwalk

and making a living off the tourists, for whom she plays wryly observant folk songs on her Stratocaster. She could be

wearing fringy things and be all busty and snaggle-toothed, like Jewel. No boy could be expected just to walk on by

when a girl like that is standing there.

No. Grandmere and Mrs Fairfax are right. I've got to resist. I've got to resist the urge to call him. When you are less

available, it drives men wild, just like in Jane Eyre.

Though I think changing my name and running away to live with distant relations like Jane did might be going a bit too far.









Five days, ten hours, and fifty-eight minutes until I see him again.










Thursday; January 14, 11 p.m.,

Royal Genovian Bedchamber




Tina spent all day yesterday reading Jane Eyre as per my recommendation and agrees with me that there might be

something to the whole letting-boys-chase-you-as-opposed-to-you-chasing-them thing. So she has decided not to

email or call Dave first.

Lilly, however, refuses to take part in this scheme, as she says game-playing is for children and that her relationship with

Boris is one that cannot be qualified by modern-day psycho-sexual mating practices. According to Tina (I can't call Lilly because Michael might pick up the phone and then he'll think I'm chasing him), Lilly says that Jane Eyre was one of the first feminist manifestos, and, though she doesn't feel that she needs Jane's brilliant guidance, she heartily approves of us using

it as a model for our romantic relationships. Although she sent a warning to me through Tina that I shouldn't expect Michael

to ask me to marry him until after he's gotten at least one post-graduate degree as well as a start-up position with a company that pays two hundred thousand dollars or more a year, plus an annual performance bonus.

Lilly also added that the one time she saw him ride a horse, Michael looked way unromantic, so I shouldn't get my hopes

up that he's going to be jumping any stiles like Mr Rochester any time soon.

But I find this hard to believe. I am sure Michael would look very handsome on a horse.

Tina mentioned that Lilly is still upset about the movie of my life they showed the other day. Tina saw it, though, and said it wasn't as bad as Lilly is making it out to be. She said the lady who played Principal Gupta was hilarious.

But Tina wasn't in the movie, on account of her dad having found out about it beforehand and threatening the filmmakers with

a lawsuit if they mentioned his daughter's name anywhere. Mr. Hakim Baba worries a lot about Tina getting kidnapped by a rival oil sheikh. Tina says she wouldn't mind being kidnapped, though, if the rival oil sheikh was cute and willing to commit to

a long-term relationship and remembered to buy her one of those diamond heart pendants from Kay Jewelers on Valentine's Day.

Tina says the girl who played Lana Weinberger in the movie did a fabulous job and should get an Emmy. Also that she

didn't think Lana was going to be too happy about how she was portrayed, as a jealous wannabe.

Also the guy who played Josh was a babe. Tina is trying to find his email address.

Tina and I vowed that if either of us ever felt like calling our boyfriends, instead we would call one another. Unfortunately,

I have no mobile so it is not like Tina will be able to reach me if I am in the middle of knighting someone or anything. But

I am fully going to hit my dad up for a StarTAC phone tomorrow. Hey, I am heir to the throne of an entire country. At the

very least I should have a beeper.





Note to self: look up word stile.



Four days, fourteen hours and forty minutes until I see Michael again.











Friday, January 15,

Royal Genovian Limo on the Way to State Dinner in Neighbouring Monaco

To Do Before Leaving Genovia:



1. Find a safe place to put Michael's present where it will NOT be found by grandmother or nosy ladies-in-waiting

    while packing my stuff (inside toe of combat boot? Inside panties I'll be wearing on plane?)

2. Say goodbye to kitchen staff, and thank them for all the vegetarian entrees.

3. Make sure harbourmaster has hung pair of scissors off every buoy in bay for use of yachting tourists who didn't

    bring along their own set to snip six-pack holders.

4. Take funny nose and glasses off the statue of Grandmere in the Portrait Hall before she notices.

5. Give Rommel's mink sweater back.

6. Break Francois' record of eleven feet, seven inches sock-sliding down Crystal Hallway.

7. Let all the doves in the Palace dovecote go (if they want to come back, that is fine, but they should have the option

    to be free).

8. Let Tante Jean Marie know that this is the twenty-first century and that she no longer has to live with the stigma of

    feminine facial hair, and leave her my Jolene.

9. Go to the beach, just once, and walk barefoot through that famous white sand I haven't gotten within ten yards of

    the entire time I've been here. Also, establish Sea-Turtle Nest Patrol so that eggs will be protected.

10. Get crown fixed (combs keep spearing me in the head).










Saturday, January 16, 11 p.m.

Royal Genovian Bedchamber





Grandmere so needs to get a life.

Tonight was the royal ball - you know, to celebrate the end of my first official trip to Genovia in my capacity as heir to the throne.