ROWING MEN

Row me oh, oh Row me oh.


HORSEY MEN

Goodness, she isn’t wearing a bridle.


Horses and sex seem to go together. If you’ve got something between your legs all day, you want to carry on in the same vein at night.

Horsey men have tough faces, vice-like thigh muscles (although that may be an illusion created by their jodhpurs), and figures of eight engraved on their bottoms from sitting on so many shooting sticks.

They will tighten your girths before they mount you and pin a red rosette on you afterwards. Never make love to them upside down or the luck will run out of them.



SHOOTING

Hearing about shooting is very tedious, with all those Harris Tweedledumbs who roll up at a girl’s flat with a bloody grouse in each hand and proceed to twelve-bore everything but the pants off her, telling her about their exploits on the Glorious Twelfth. Going shooting on the other hand is rather fun—like walking under armer’ escort—as long as you make sure the guns stop for a long boozey lunch in the middle of the day.

Between each drive you will hear rather ambiguous cries: “Where’s Rufus?”

“Picking up birds in the woods.” or

“Hey, that’s my cock you’ve got hold of.” The guns work off so much aggression being beastly to their dogs that they’re usually quite nice to women.



BRIDGE

Definitely addictive—people who are short on conversation or old before their time play bridge—and once hooked they would rather play than take a girl out. All bridge players sweat heavily.


FOOTBALL


I’ve never actually met a football player but ‘Match of the Day’ is an absolute godsend. It’s the only time you will have free to wash your hair, or pluck your eyebrows—your man will be absolutely glued to the box. Watch out for Action Replays, though.


Orgies


ORGIES

“Er yes, yes, Miss Weldon, the matter of your overdraft will be quite all right …”