She slept fitfully that night, and stayed in bed the next morning. She said her back still hurt, and he offered to call a doctor, but she said she didn’t need one. He believed her, although she didn’t look well. He thought that she looked pale, and she was obviously in pain. He came up to check on her an hour later, and found her on the bathroom floor, in a pool of blood, barely able to crawl, as she looked up at him. He panicked when he saw her and rushed for the phone. He called for the paramedics and begged the operator to send them fast, and then returned to Hope in the bathroom. He was holding her when they arrived, and his jeans were soaked with blood. She had lost the baby and was hemorrhaging, and she lost consciousness when the paramedics picked her up and put her on a gurney to carry her out. Finn ran along beside them, praying she would live, and when she came to in the hospital hours later, after they had cleaned out her womb, Finn was staring at her with a dark look. She reached out a hand to him and he turned away and got up. She was crying and he was staring out the window, and then turned to look at her. He looked both angry and sad, and there were tears in his eyes too. He was thinking of his loss, more than hers.

“You killed our baby,” he said brutally, and she broke into a sob, and she reached out to him again, but he didn’t come near her. She tried but was too weak to sit up. They had given her two transfusions to make up for the blood she’d lost.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say through her sobs.

“All that stupid lifting and carrying, look what it did. You just made it to three months, and now you fucked it all up.” He said nothing to comfort or reassure her, and Hope looked heartbroken as he raged at her. “It was a shitty thing to do, to the baby, and to me. You killed a healthy baby, Hope.” It didn’t occur to him that maybe the baby wasn’t so healthy if it hadn’t survived past that point, but there was no way to know now, and she felt bad enough. “How could you be so selfish and so dumb?” She was sobbing, listening to him berate her, and a few minutes later, he stormed out. She lay in bed, inconsolable, thinking of everything he’d said to her, and the nurse finally gave her a shot as she cried incoherently, and when she woke up hours later, Finn was sitting next to her again. He still looked grim, but he was holding her hand. “I’m sorry for what I said,” he said gruffly. “I was just so disappointed. I wanted our baby so much.” She nodded and started to cry again, and this time he took her in his arms and consoled her. “It’s all right,” he said. “We’ll do it again.” She nodded and just lay in his arms and sobbed. “Even if I act like a fool sometimes, I love you, Hope.” As he said it, tears rolled down his cheeks, and hers.

Chapter 13

Hope left for New York two weeks later in June. She was thin and pale and very subdued, and she knew that Finn was still upset. He blamed her fully for the miscarriage, and insisted that only her carelessness had caused it. He refused to accept the idea that age might have been a factor, or it could have happened anyway. He never missed an opportunity to tell her that it was her fault. He kept telling her they’d both feel better when she got pregnant again and did it right this time, which only exacerbated her own unspoken guilt. She had apologized to him a thousand times. Finn acted like she had betrayed him, and their child. She felt like a murderess every time she looked at him, and she wondered if he’d ever forgive her. All he talked about was doing it again. And it was almost a relief to get on the plane to New York and get away from him. And she was by no means ready to do it again, or not this soon at least, if at all. He acted as though she owed it to him. But after losing Mimi, now losing this pregnancy had her in deep mourning suddenly. And she was in disgrace with Finn as well, which nearly broke her heart.

She managed to finish all her assignments in New York, and had been hoping to see Paul since she hadn’t seen him in six months, which was far too long. But when she called him on his cell phone, he said he was in Germany, checking out a new treatment for Parkinson’s, and he planned to stay there for a while. She was sorry to miss him, but they promised to meet in the fall.

She had lunch with Mark Webber, who thought she looked exhausted and said she was working too hard. But she insisted she was happy, and he hoped she was. But she didn’t look as happy to him as she had sounded on the phone. Finn’s harsh criticism of her when she lost the baby had hit her hard. There had been a cruelty to it that was hard to get over now. It was the first time he had been unkind to her in the six months they’d been together, and the first time a shadow had come between them.

Mark had gotten her several assignments for the fall, and she wasn’t sure if she should take them or not. If she got pregnant again, she knew that Finn wouldn’t let her fly to New York. Suddenly something that had been both an accident and a blessing had become a life-or-death project that took precedence for Finn. And for the first time, Hope felt unsure of herself. She felt profoundly guilty, and nervous about doing it again.

She went to see her doctor in New York, who told her that she had to wait at least three months before trying to get pregnant again, and reminded her sensibly that she might have lost the baby anyway, even if she’d stayed in bed. But after everything Finn had said to her, she felt responsible and depressed. She had already decided to put their wedding off till December, since now there was no rush. She was too depressed to plan their marriage.

Finn arrived in New York as soon as she finished her work. He was in better spirits than when she had left him, and he was very loving to her. Hope tried to stay off the subject of the miscarriage, but he mentioned to her several times that he wanted her to see the fertility doctor in London when she went back. He didn’t want to waste any time, and he made Hope feel that she owed it to him. She was still feeling too weak and tired and depressed to argue with him and fight back, so she finally said she would. It was easier than battling about it. And they were going to be at the Cape for July and August, while Blaxton House was being painted from top to bottom. And she was sure she’d feel better by the end of the summer, and things would look different and less depressing to her by then. She was still dealing with all the hormonal changes that came from losing a three-month pregnancy, and so much blood. Her body was still in shock. And Finn’s harsh reaction, blame, and accusations had shaken her considerably. His behavior about the miscarriage was so out of keeping with his normal, extremely loving style of the past six months. She was anxious for him to calm down again, and felt sure he would.

The best thing that happened once Finn arrived was that his son Michael came down from Boston to meet them in New York for dinner, and Hope thought he was an absolutely terrific kid. He was a bright, open, friendly, well brought up, and all-around lovely boy. He had just turned twenty, and looked a lot like Finn. He teased his father repeatedly, and was fairly bold with him, but she was impressed by how well they got along. It said a lot for Finn that he had single-handedly brought up such a wonderful boy, and Hope thought it spoke well of him as a father that their relationship was so good.

Hope invited Michael to the Cape, but he said he was spending the summer in California with his maternal grandparents, as he did every year. He said he had a job lined up at the San Francisco stock exchange for July and August, and he was excited about it. Spending time with him made Hope miss Mimi acutely again, and that night after he left them, Hope complimented Finn.

“He’s a fabulous kid. You did a great job,” she said, and he smiled at her. For the first time, she felt as though things were beginning to repair with them. Losing the baby had been a terrible blow to them both. They hadn’t wanted to tell Michael at their first meeting they were planning to get married. She and Finn agreed to tell him when he came to Ireland in September. She was excited for him to see all the things they were doing to the house. She couldn’t wait to see them herself when they got back. And she was looking forward to having Michael with them. She wanted to get to know him better.

When she and Finn got to the Cape, it was as though nothing bad had happened. He didn’t mention the miscarriage again, he stopped accusing her and making caustic remarks that made her cringe. He was as loving, kind, and gentle as ever. He was the Finn she had fallen in love with seven months before, only better. And she began to relax and feel more like herself again. She put on some weight and felt healthy, and they were together every moment. He had brought his manuscript with him, and he said the work was going well.

Her only disappointment was that he refused to meet any of her friends at the Cape. She and Paul had had an open-door policy at the house, and their friends had dropped in often. Finn told her he didn’t want that happening, it disturbed his work, and he was uncomfortable meeting them whenever it happened. She took him to a Fourth of July picnic at the home of a couple she had known forever, and Finn was standoffish and unfriendly. Several people told him they loved his work, and even then he was chilly, and insisted that he and Hope leave early.

When she questioned him about it the next day, he said he hated that kind of suburban summer community and had nothing in common with them. And what was the point of meeting them? They lived in Ireland. What Hope realized increasingly was that he wanted her to himself. He complained if she went to the grocery store without him. He wanted to go everywhere with her. It was still flattering in some ways, but there were times when she found it oppressive. And he told her that he liked her Cape Cod house much better in winter than in summer, when it was peaceful and the area was deserted. Without exception, Finn had rejected all her old friends. She hardly saw them herself now that she no longer lived in Boston, and she had always loved the congenial atmosphere at the Cape, but it was clear that that was not going to be part of her life with Finn. Although he had socialized a great deal in his youth and gone out with a million women before her, once in a relationship Finn preferred to lead a quiet life with her, and have no social life whatsoever except with her.