Cecelia Ahern - Lyrebird

‘Mum and Gaga loved jazz. Billie Holiday, Miles Davis, Nina Simone, Louis Armstrong…’ She hums the tune to ‘I’m a Fool to Want You’, but her humming is deep and gravelly, not the voice of a young woman. ‘Gaga’s favourite song,’ she explains.

He shakes his head, in awe.

Uncomfortable under his gaze, she looks away.

‘I’m guessing you’ve never been to Australia,’ he says.

‘No,’ she smiles.

‘Well, they want you. Boy, do they want you. Biggest talk show over there has invited you. There is no Australian creature, with the exception of the koala, more firmly established in the public regard than the lyrebird. But you couldn’t be more different. The koala is a hundred popstars you could name, all quaint and approachable, but you are elusive, exclusive. Man, you coming along is… well, it’s the best timing for us, for the show. We’ve been trying to get into the Australian market for a while and I think this gives us a way in. The networks wanted to see that we could stir up public interest, and now they have. One hundred million views…’ He checks his phone. ‘One hundred and eleven million views.’ He laughs. ‘Anyway, you don’t need to worry about any of that, you just get to go on a free trip. Go on the country’s biggest chat show. Pose with a lyrebird for the press. Do a magazine shoot. Then fly home for Monday night’s semi-final. What do you think?’

‘It all sounds… incredible.’ She grins, unable to believe it. ‘Are the others coming?’

‘What others?’

‘The other contestants. I don’t think most of them like me very much.’

‘They’re jealous.’ He smiles. ‘It’s a competition, you blew them all out of the water. And no, they’re not coming. This trip is all about you.’

She chews on her lip, concerned about this.

‘Don’t worry, they’re all doing interviews too. They’ve probably done more, in fact, but you’re getting all the coverage. If I were to ask any of them to come on this trip, they wouldn’t think twice about leaving anyone else behind. It’s a competition, Lyrebird. So, you need to get your passport details to Bianca so we can take care of your flights.’

‘Oh… I don’t have a passport.’

‘That’s okay,’ he says encouragingly. ‘We have a few days, we can organise one. The show has had to organise emergency passports before. The passport office are good that way. Fans of the show. All you have to do is give Bianca your birth certificate. Don’t worry if it’s in Cork, we can pick up a copy from the Dublin office.’

Laura stares at him, open-mouthed, not sure what to say. He takes it the wrong way.

He laughs. ‘I told you not to worry, this show takes care of all your needs,’ he holds his hands out grandly.

Laura swallows. ‘No, it’s not that… I don’t have a birth certificate.’

His smile fades.

Bianca, Curtis and Jack sit in the office in what Laura understands to be a crisis meeting. Curtis and Jack watch Laura, Laura looks at Bianca as she reads from a list of paperwork required to attain a passport.

‘Baptism record?’

‘She already said no,’ Jack says, the irritation creeping in.

‘School records.’

‘I was home-schooled.’

‘Yeah, but state exams would have you on file.’

‘I didn’t sit state exams.’

‘Okay, cool,’ Bianca says, looking down at her printout from the passport office. ‘A letter from someone who knows you from an early age attesting they believe you to be born in Ireland.’ She looks up at Laura. They all do.

Jack laughs. ‘Well, that should be easy. Know anyone who knows you were born?’

Curt chuckles for Jack’s benefit.

‘No.’ Laura’s eyes fill. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Okay, wait. Something’s up here. You need to tell us what’s going on,’ Jack says gently, and Curtis sits up, all ears.

A solitary creature, the lyrebird is a creature of the wild. It cannot, or will not, subsist in cleared and settled areas. While they’re a tame and shy bird, many lyrebirds have been snared alive and are subjected to examination by experienced naturalists. The outcome is that the lyrebird mopes in captivity and quickly perishes.

Ambrose Pratt, The Lore of the Lyrebird

After sharing her story with Curtis and Jack, StarrGaze Entertainment book Laura for an interview on Ireland’s biggest radio chat show, an in-depth interview which reveals exclusive never-talked-about details of her life in the Toolin cottage alone for ten years, and a discussion of her inability to get a passport. There follows a debate on air about how Laura or anybody in Laura’s very unusual situation can receive a passport. Members of the public, officials, ring in with tips and advice and tell their own stories. Her local TD’s constituency office vows to help her.

After an exhausting day, feeling utterly drained from sharing herself, her personal story, with strangers who dig at her soul, Laura returns to the apartment. She leans against the door, her eyes closed, her migraine reaching an all-time high.

‘You just shared our exclusive with the entire fucking nation!’

Laura opens her eyes.

Bo is standing before her, hands on her hips. Laura has never seen her so angry.

‘Is that a problem?’ Laura looks nervously to Solomon, who has just stepped out of the bedroom to see what all the fuss is about.

This angers Bo even more, that Laura continuously turns to Solomon for support. She’s using him as her get-out clause. Poor little mountain girl who can’t make decisions for herself, when she’s turned out to be far more savvy than any of them could have imagined.

‘Of course it’s a problem,’ Bo snaps. ‘You told me you were going on air to talk about a passport. Not to reveal everything.’

Laura looks at her in surprise.

‘You’re doing the documentary with me, remember? You’re supposed to be telling me your story, and instead you’re planning to travel to the other side of the world, and telling all to the rag-mags. Oh yes, I heard about that one too.’

Laura swallows nervously. She makes a sound.

‘No, don’t start that, Laura, seriously. Sometimes I think you start that shit to avoid the subject. We’re adults. Start acting like one.’

‘Bo,’ Solomon cuts in. ‘Stop it.’

Bo ignores him and continues: ‘I found you, I brought you here, I got you the place on StarrQuest, you’re staying with me, I’m feeding you, you’re sleeping here-’

‘Bo, stop-’

‘No, don’t interrupt me,’ she raises her voice. ‘The deal was that you share your story with us, not use us to get to bigger and better things.’ She looks Laura up and down, at her clothes and the stack of magazines in her hand. ‘I see you reading through these all day, I see you have a new wardrobe, designer sunglasses. You want to be famous Laura, is that what this is all about?’

‘Bo! Shut up!’ Solomon yells at the top of his voice, which frightens Laura but Bo doesn’t even blink.