Kody Keplinger - Lying Out Loud

“That’s my mom’s ringtone,” he said, rolling off me.

“Of course it is,” I said. “The universe is determined to keep me clothed.”

“The universe is awful,” he said. Then he picked up the phone. “Hello, Mom.”

With the mood sufficiently killed, I climbed off the bed and began walking around Ryder’s room, investigating areas I hadn’t yet. Like his car, it was immaculately clean. Serial-killer clean. Even the DVDs and Blu-rays on his shelf were in alphabetical order.

“Yes. I’ll be sure to do that…. See you tonight, Mom. I love you.” He hung up the phone and turned to look at me. “Did you want to watch a movie?” he asked.

“Maybe. But only if we can watch …” I grabbed the DVD off the shelf and spun to face him, grinning. “Clueless?”

Ryder’s eyes went wide. “I … um …”

“Or Cruel Intentions? Or maybe 10 Things I Hate About You?”

“Okay, I get it.”

“She’s All That? American Pie? Can’t Hardly Wait? That one wasn’t even very good.”

“It’s not bad.”

“I thought you didn’t like mainstream Hollywood films?” I teased.

“Yes. All right. You caught me,” he said. “I have a soft spot for nineties teen movies. It’s a guilty pleasure. I’m not proud of it. Happy?”

“Ecstatic,” I said, waving the Clueless DVD. “This proves to me that you are, indeed, human. And if we’re being honest, it makes me like you so much more.”

“Really?”

“Really.” I walked over to where he sat on the bed and kissed him. He smiled against my lips, then tugged on my hand, pulling me closer, but I took a step back. “Oh, no,” I said, holding the DVD up again. “Now I actually want to watch this.”

And, at least for the moment, the subject of Amy was dropped.

But it didn’t stay that way for long.

Everything fell apart on Valentine’s Day.

Ryder hadn’t dropped the whole apology thing. No matter how many times I assured him that Amy was cool with us dating, he kept bringing it up. I could have killed his mother for planting the seed in his head and making him think he was anything like his dad.

Keeping them away from each other was becoming increasingly difficult. I felt like a character in a sitcom, constantly juggling the two and keeping my stories straight.

So when I saw him walking toward us in the hallway at school, I knew shit was about to hit the fan — a metaphor that never failed to gross me out a little.

“We should go ice skating this weekend,” Amy said as we walked to lunch. “The rink in Oak Hill will close soon, and we haven’t gone all winter.”

“That sounds fun,” I said. “But I think I already have plans with Ryder. Valentine’s Day weekend and all.”

“Valentine’s Day is a day, not a weekend.”

“It can be a weekend if you do it right,” I said, grinning.

“Oh.” Amy looked down at her feet. “Yeah. I should’ve guessed you’d be busy.”

I was about to suggest we watch a movie or something Sunday night instead, when Ryder walked up.

“Ryder,” I said, forcing a smile. “What are you doing here?”

“I go to school here?”

“Right. I just mean you’re usually not in this hallway.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway, we’re just heading to lunch, so —”

“This will only take a second,” he said, kissing me on the cheek. There was a good chance that was the last kiss I’d ever get from him. “I just need to talk to Amy.”

“Me?” she asked, surprised.

“You really don’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Everything’s fine. Hey, let’s go get some bad cafeteria lasagna.”

“Amy,” Ryder said, completely ignoring me. “I know these past few months have been strange, but I wanted to apologize and make sure there were no hard feelings about me seeing Sonny.”

She frowned. “Of course there aren’t. Why would there be?”

“See?” I said, trying to shove Ryder down the hall. “She’s fine. Let’s go.”

He didn’t budge. Instead, he scoffed. “I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by that reaction. It’s fairly in keeping with the way you’ve been treating me.”

“Excuse me?”

I wanted to hide. To run and lock myself in a bathroom stall. Or, better yet, to vanish completely. Because the cracks were beginning to show, and the lies I’d built between Amy and Ryder were about to come crashing down on top of me.

“Just that, despite a connection that seemed very real online, you’ve always acted as if nothing happened between us. So it’s not exactly surprising that you’d continue the trend now, even though I’ve started dating your best friend. Something that would bother most people.”

Amy gawked at him. “Wh-What?” She froze, and then, slowly, she turned to look at me. I shrank beneath her gaze, and the words she spoke next were so quiet, so cold, that they made me shiver. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Tell me what?” Ryder asked.

They were both looking at me now, waiting for me to answer.

I was an excellent liar. But I had no lie for this. Nothing I could think to say or do that would fix it. Nothing that would let me keep them both.

Amy’s eyes flashed, and I saw the fury there that I’d only seen once before, and I shrank away from her, flinching as if she’d struck me.

“Fine,” she said, voice still low. “If you won’t tell him, I will.” She turned to face Ryder. “I never talked to you online, Ryder. I never instant messaged or texted you or any of that. It was all Sonny.”

Ryder took a stumbling step backward. Like he’d just been shoved. “What? Sonny, is that … is that true?”

“I … um …” I swallowed. “Sort of.”

Horror bloomed across his face and suddenly there was so much hurt in his eyes. “You were catfishing me?” he asked. I felt myself shrink away from him as the shame swelled inside of me. “Was it some sort of joke? Were you screwing with me?”

“No!” I cried. “Of course not.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded. “How could you let me think … Jesus Christ. This is so fucked up.”

“Ryder, please, just let me explain.”

“Explain what? That you pretended to be someone else? And lied to me? We’ve been dating for over a month and … were you just not going to tell me?”

“I …” I hoped I wouldn’t have to. I cleared my throat. “Ryder, just give me a second.”

He shook his head. “No. I should go.”

“I’m sorry,” Amy said. “She told me you knew.”

“Well, then, looks like she lied to both of us.”

“Ryder.”

The disgust when he looked at me shattered any composure I might have had. I felt my lip begin to tremble. I’d had everything I wanted, and in a matter of seconds, it had all come tumbling down.

“I’m going to lunch,” he said. He turned and began to walk away.

“Ryder!” I called out again. “Please. Just … listen.”

But he didn’t stop walking.

I spun to face Amy, anger and guilt and heartbreak at war inside me. “How could you do that to me?” I demanded, my hands balled into fists.

She leveled a steady, dark gaze at me. Then she shook her head. “How could you do that to me?” she asked.

I looked down at my feet, shame winning the fight. She was right. As much as I wanted to blame her for telling Ryder, it was all on me. I’d had the chance to tell him so many times, but I’d chickened out. And I’d kept lying to both of them. How stupid was I to think that they’d never find out the truth? That I wouldn’t end up hurting them both?

“I’m sorry,” I said.

But when I looked up, Amy was gone.

And I was completely alone.

Lonely was not a new feeling for me.

In fact, it was a feeling I knew better than most.

But normally, when I was feeling alone or abandoned, I knew I could go to Amy. I knew she’d be there for me. And recently I’d had Ryder, too.

But not anymore.

It had been a week since the Valentine’s Day Massacre, and neither of them had spoken a word to me since.

I had tried to apologize to Ryder every day since the incident in the hall, but he wouldn’t even look at me. I’d called, I’d texted, I’d e-mailed, and I’d gotten no response. In class, he wore his giant headphones, freezing me out until Mr. Buckley started teaching. So, one day, I tried a different tactic. One that had worked in the past.

I wrote a note.

Please. Give me a chance to explain. I know I screwed up, but it wasn’t all a lie. Hear me out, okay? — S

I tossed it over Ryder’s shoulder and held my breath as he read it, hoping he’d write something back. Instead, he put the note away and raised his hand.

“Yes, Mr. Cross?” Mr. Buckley said, already sounding exasperated.

“May I switch seats?”

I felt myself deflate.

“Why would you want to switch seats?” Mr. Buckley asked.

I thought he would out me. Play the tattletale and let Mr. Buckley know I was passing notes. It wasn’t as if I didn’t deserve it. But Ryder had more integrity than that. Which was one of the reasons I’d fallen for him, I guess.

“I’m having trouble seeing the board,” Ryder said. “Could I sit closer?”

I felt like I’d just been kicked in the chest. I sank back into my seat, trying not to let my feelings show.

Mr. Buckley sighed. “Sure. Come on up. And maybe think about getting some real lenses for those glasses of yours.”

He hadn’t sat near me since.

Amy couldn’t avoid me quite as easily, but damn if she didn’t try.

We may have lived under the same roof, but Amy did her best to never be in the same room as me. When I walked downstairs, she went back up them. When I came into the kitchen, she moved to the living room. When I entered the rec room, she ran out.