Sean stood at the kitchen window, watching Ellen hold the woman she loved as she cried. She couldn’t think of anyone she trusted more to take care of her lovers tender heart.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Sean was finishing client notes when Ellen ended with her last patient of the day.

“There’s beer in the office fridge,” Sean called when she heard Ellen in the small kitchenette that adjoined their offices.

“Thank god,” Ellen muttered as she entered carrying two bottles.

“Thanks,” Sean said gratefully. She studied Ellen, who sagged into the chair facing the small desk. “How are you doing?”

“Better now that Susan and I are back together. We’ve still got a long way to go, but at least were talking about things we should have talked about years ago.”

“I’m glad. I’ve missed Susan’s smile. Its back.”

“How about you?”

Sean sighed and ran a hand absently through her hair. “I fluctuate between ecstasy and terror. Drew is here, but not totally. We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I love it. She’s so strong and serious, and tender, and”

“Wonderful?” Ellen laughed.

“Yes, wonderful”

“But?”

“Something is keeping her from really being with me except when we make love. That’s the only time she really gives herself to me. She lets me touch more than her body, then she lets me touch all of her. Then she’s beautiful, open and accepting of me, and so fragile. Any other time, there’s a wall up I can’t quite reach her.”

Ellen was not surprised. She had seen how deeply Drew buried her pain.

“Its going to take time, Sean. If anyone has the patience to stick with her, you do.”

Sean nodded. “I’m trying. But she’s in so much pain, I can hardly bear it. Every night she sleeps with me she has horrible dreams. She wakes up screaming, soaked with sweat, disoriented for minutes. It tears my heart out.”

“Sounds like post-traumatic stress,” Ellen thought out loud.

Sean stared at her. “Oh god, you’re right. I’m so frightened by it, I couldn’t even see it.”

“Whatever it is, being with you will bring it to the surface. She’s probably going to get worse before she can tell you.”

“Oh, Ellen, I hope I’m strong enough to help.”

Ellen smiled. “I cant think of anyone better.”

“You will stay after class to talk, Drew, yes?” Janet Cho said as she passed Drew, who was jamming her sparring gear into her bag. It was not a question that left room for negotiation.

“Yes, ma’am,” Drew said through clenched teeth. She didn’t look at Sean, whom she knew was watching her.

Sean, in turn, carefully folded her belt and uniform, feeling hurt and bewildered. Drew was so clearly angry with her, and she didn’t understand why. In fact, there had been an undercurrent of anger present for weeks. Drew had become short-tempered in class, with everyone, but especially her. She didn’t feel as if she could do anything right.

Tonight it had culminated in Drew stopping a sparring match between Chris and Sean after only a few minutes. Chris was compact and quick, and she had managed to hit Sean twice in the face within the matter of a minute.

Still, Sean had felt she was holding her own when Drew stopped them, criticizing just about everything Sean had done. Sean was unprepared for the intensity of Drew’s anger it hurt.

She followed the rest of the students to the door, bowed, and left quietly, not caring that she had not said good-bye to Drew. It was the first time in weeks that they hadn’t stopped after class to have a bite to eat, often spending the night together. She didn’t want to see Drew right now, not until her feelings had settled a little.

“Sean has six months before her black belt test, Drew,” Janet said as she sat down near Drew.

“This isn’t about a belt,” Drew said darkly.

“Then what? You are pushing her very hard. Why? She is a good student, she works hard.”

“You saw her with Chris tonight! She’s already had her nose broken, and Chris scores two hits right to her chin!”

“Yes, I saw. So she has more to learn. She will learn it.”

“She needs to learn to protect herself!” Drew exclaimed. “Discipline, self-control, self-knowledge, personal growth that’s all very well, and I support it. But she must learn to protect herself!”

“Why now?”

“What!?”

“Why now, must she learn in a few weeks what you know it takes years to learn? What is the sudden hurry?”

Drew looked exasperated. “You don’t have the luxury of spending a lifetime learning self-defense any longer. Anything could happen any time!”

Janet Cho nodded. “So now you make Sean miserable because tomorrow someone may hurt her?”

“Yes, if I have to,” Drew stated vehemently.

“Maybe if you weren’t in love with her, you would not make her so unhappy.”

Drew stepped back as if struck. “What did you say?”

“You love her you are afraid something will happen to her you ask more of her than she is capable of right now you make her unhappy.”

Drew’s jaw clenched and she averted her gaze. At length she said, “I only want her to be safe.”

“Of course. So do I Sean and all of them. But now it is so much more important, yes. Because you think you could lose her.”

Drew stifled a moan, turning her back to her old friend. The images were there, flicking through her mind bloody, empty pleading eyes.

“I cant stand it,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “If something happens to her, I just wont be able to live, Janet. Not again.”

The small woman took the trembling hand of her friend and pulled her down to the chair beside her.

“Drew, my friend,” Janet said softly, “we cannot live in fear that something tomorrow may hurt us, or someone we love. You will not have time to love her if you worry always that she may go. Love her that much more because she is here today.”

Drew bent her head, willing her tears to stop. “I’m trying, Janet. But I am so afraid,” she said brokenly.

“It is much that you have let love come to you again. Now be patient with yourself.”

Sean heard Susan answer the door, and she didn’t look up when she heard footsteps in the hallway outside the library where she sat in semi-darkness. The logs burned low in the fireplace, but she didn’t feel the chill. She stared unblinking at the small flames.

“It could use some more wood,” the deep voice that never failed to stir her heart remarked.

She turned, surprised. “Drew!”

Drew shed her jacket and bent to feed the fire several more logs. She turned to kneel by Sean’s chair, taking both Sean’s hands in hers.

“I’m sorry, Sean,” she said softly, searching the drawn and unhappy face before her. “I’ve been worried, and I’ve made you pay for it. It was selfish of me and I’m sorry.”

“Worried? Worried about what?” Sean asked, always alert to the subtle meanings behind the phrases.

Drew shrugged and looked away. “Since we’ve been seeing each other, I’ve gotten anxious you know I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve been pushing you too hard really, you’re doing fine.”

“Drew,” Sean said carefully, “why are you worried that I might get hurt?”

Drew looked away, a muscle in her face twitching. “People do get hurt, Sean,” she said in a low voice.

Sean slid her hands around Drew’s shoulders, holding her.

“Does this have something to do with your dreams?” She tightened her hold as she spoke, and, as she expected, Drew flinched and tried to draw away.

“No.”

“Drew, look at me!” She waited until the troubled blue eyes met hers. “I love you, Drew. Absolutely no reservations. Whatever you think you cant tell me is keeping us apart more certainly than anything you could ever say. Don’t do this to us, Drew. Please!”

Drew dropped her gaze. “There is nothing I can say, Sean.”

Sean sighed and pulled her close. She couldn’t stop loving her no matter how deep her secrets lay buried, no matter how much they both must suffer.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The Christmas holidays came and went, and Sean was as happy as she had ever been. Susan and Ellen were firmly together again, and it felt like she had her family back. And Drew was there, strong, tender passionate Drew. Still, part of Sean mourned for the silence that remained between them. There were times, more frequently in recent weeks, when Drew seemed to shed the shroud of pain that surrounded her; and Sean caught glimpses of a younger, happier woman, quick to laugh, engaging and enthusiastic. Then a word, or more often the nightmares, would extinguish the light in her eyes, robbing her of her joy. Even in her despair, her love for Sean was obvious in the way her eyes followed her as she moved about a room, in the way she tilted her head to catch each word from Sean’s lips, in the way she possessed her in the night and gave her body to Sean without reservation. Sean did not press her. She knew it would do no good. But still, her heart ached even in the midst of fulfillment.

That night was the culmination of one of those January days that were common to Philadelphia the temperature soared to near seventy degrees, and the evening remained mild. With the desire to absorb the last of the premature weather, Sean suggested they walk the few blocks to their favorite restaurant after class. She and Drew both wore only light jackets and jeans as they left the dojang .

“You’ll be ready to test soon, Sean,” Drew remarked, taking a deep breath of the barely cool night air.

“I know. I’m nervous.”

Drew looked surprised. “Why? You’re doing great.”

Sean laughed. “I feel good about my progress but, its such a big step and you’ll be there when I test.”

Drew frowned. “Do I make you nervous?”