“I couldn’t stay away,” Drew rasped, kissing the wisps of dark curls on Sean’s brow. “You were all I could think about I had to see you again.”

Sean heard the desperation in Drew’s voice, and she knew that Drew had not returned without reservations. There was resistance, too, in the arms that held her, and for now, Sean accepted it. Drew was here, it was a start.

Sean tightened her hold, relishing the tight fit of Drew’s thigh between hers, the curve of Drew’s breasts against her, the answering surge of hips. Drew rewarded her with another deep groan, bringing her hands to Sean’s face. Tenderly she cupped Sean’s jaw, turning her face for her kiss.

“How important is this Aikido thing?” Sean murmured, running her hands over Drew’s shoulders toward her breasts.

“Pretty important,” Drew muttered, her lips moving downward to claim a nipple through the fabric of Sean’s T-shirt. She bit gently before attempting to continue. “I’m one of the guest demonstrators.” She insinuated one hand between their bodies, pressing Sean’s abdomen, moving lower.

Sean grasped the hand that explored her, nearly sobbing. “Stop! Anymore and I wont be able to stop please Drew”

Drew moaned, her face buried in Sean’s hair. “I want you so much,” she whispered.

Sean took a deep breath, struggling to clear her head and control her raging senses. “Damn you, Drew! Your timing is terrible!” she laughed shakily.

“I know. Ill make it up to you,” Drew said, meaning more than just this interruption.

Sean shook her head. “Nothing to make up for, Drew. Some things just cant be helped so we learn to live with them. We have time.”

Drew searched the face softened by passion and felt welcomed. There were promises there, promises she was afraid to hear or to make. She had been managing moment to moment for so long that the concept of a future was foreign to her. But when she looked at Sean a tiny flicker of hope stirred. With reluctant effort she pulled back from Sean, saying, “Wed better go, I’m not sure how long I can keep from touching you.”

Sean took her hand and led them resolutely through the house. She knew if she looked back at Drew they would not leave that day.

Sean sat mesmerized on the benches facing the exhibition area, marveling at the fluid grace of the Aikido ka. The circular flowing defensive blocks and large forceful throws reminded her of dance. And watching Drew after the long weeks of absence was intoxicating. She had forgotten how imposing she was, tiger-like in her fierceness and strength, agile and quick in her movements. Sean was a little disappointed when the program ended. She so infrequently had the chance to really watch Drew, and she had been enjoying herself.

Drew folded her hakama, the long black over-trousers that symbolized a high-ranking Aikidoist, and left the mat area to join Sean.

“It was beautiful,” Sean pronounced as Drew sat down. “I really enjoyed it.”

Drew smiled, “I’m glad.” She gazed away for a moment, then questioned hesitantly, “Its six o’clock. Would you like to have dinner somewhere?”

Sean pressed a little closer to Drew. “I’m not too good at hiding my feelings, Drew. What I want is to be in bed with you. Is that a possibility?”

“Are you sure?”

“Its the only thing I’m absolutely sure of right now. I’m dying from wanting you.”

“Lets go,” Drew growled, grabbing her bag and keys.

Neither said a word on the ride to Sean’s house, but the pounding of their hearts seemed audible.

Drew lay still, staring at the shadows flickering on the ceiling. Sean was lying against her, one leg thrown up to cover Drew’s own. A long graceful arm lay curled across Drew’s chest, holding her possessively. Drew tried not to think about what she was doing. When she thought about the rightness of her actions, she feared she was cheating Sean. Her immediate reaction was to flee. When she allowed herself to feel her need for the woman who lay beside her, she panicked. Never had she wanted this to happen never, never again. And, yet, here she was, because she had let her senses rule her she ached, and she sought comfort; she desired, and she sought release; she cared, and she sought expression. Was it fair? No. Selfish? Yes. Madness? Most definitely. And yet here she was, and for now, at least, she could not bring herself to leave.

She shifted slowly, not wanting to awaken Sean. Her movement brought a slight protest from Sean, and the arm around her tightened.

“You’re not leaving are you?” came the sleepy voice.

“Its late,” Drew murmured, pressing her lips to Sean’s forehead.

“So? Do you have an appointment?”

“I” Drew hesitated, reluctant.

“Drew,” Sean said quietly, fully awake now. “I want you to stay, I want you to be here in the morning. If you need to leave, its okay. Ill just miss you.”

Drew turned so that the length of their bodies touched. “You make things so easy and so difficult.”

Sean insinuated her leg between Drew’s, thrilling to the warmth of her touch. “How so?” Sean asked languidly. She began rocking her hips against Drew’s, sliding her leg back and forth with each stroke.

“Oh,” Drew gasped, pulling Sean’s hips more firmly against her. “Because you” Her voice trailed off as Sean slid a hand between them, reaching for the moisture between Drew’s legs.

“Because what?” Sean murmured, fingers lightly teasing.

“You oh”

“What?”

“I ah, yes there”

“I what? Tell me!” Sean insisted, her strokes escalating.

“Cant” Drew gasped, “I’m gonna”

“Oh, are you?” Sean breathed against her lips, her fingers dancing rapidly, “Are you now?”

“Yes!” Drew cried, arching her back, groaning with each pulsation.

Sean held the gasping woman in her arms, smiling with satisfaction.

It was just light when Drew slipped out of bed, pulled her clothes on, and made her way down to the kitchen. She found a pot of coffee on the burner and helped herself. She wandered out to the terrace, halting in the open doorway when she saw the figure seated on the low stone wall.

Ellen looked over her shoulder and beckoned to Drew.

“Come on out. I could use some company with my guilt. How about you?”

Drew grimaced. “How did you know?” she asked, joining her atop the wall.

Ellen shrugged. “Its my job to know these things, remember? We shrinks are, oh, so perceptive.”

Drew thought she understood the bitter undertones in Ellen’s voice. She sipped the strong coffee, welcoming the warmth in the chill November air.

“We’ve given them hell, haven’t we?” Ellen remarked.

“Yes,” Drew conceded. “How’s Susan?”

Ellen picked at the seam of her jeans aimlessly. “She’s deeply hurt, and frightened, and struggling to make sense of something I should have known better than to do. She’s picking up the pieces after a three-week binge that I’m the cause of. The hardest part of it all is that she’s forgiven me.”

“Yes,” Drew acknowledged. “That makes you loathe yourself, doesn’t it?”

Ellen nodded. “This is where I’m supposed to say we should forgive ourselves, or love ourselves, or some such palaver. But, frankly, I cant do it. Id rather someone take me out and beat me.”

Drew laughed. “Maybe we can just sit here and beat each other.”

“Okay,” Ellen said. “You go first.”

Drew was silent for a long moment, and then she asked quietly, “Why’d you do it, Ellen? Susan so obviously worships you.”

“Ouch,” Ellen said. “You’re good at this.” She took a deep breath, searching for honesty. “I was angry with her because she wouldn’t live with me and start a family and leave Sean. I was jealous, and I felt unappreciated; and I didn’t have the guts to say so. I did it because I’m a coward I didn’t put up a fight, I just ran to a convenient pair of arms.”

Ellen tossed the dregs of her coffee onto the ground. She looked at Drew and began, “Okay my turn.

“Sean is the kind of woman who holds the deepest part of herself back from everyone except Susan,” Ellen continued. “For her to open herself to you is something close to a miracle. How could you abandon her, leaving her to believe you didn’t care for her? She could bleed to death from a wound like that.”

Drew stared at Ellen, absorbing her words the way she would absorb a blow, letting the pain of the truth pierce her. “Point and match to you.”

Ellen clearly saw the grief in Drew’s face, heard the sorrow in her voice. She had no doubt that Drew was an expert at swallowing her pain while it destroyed her inside.

“Not good enough, Drew. You have to say why.”

“I cant.”

“Try if not for yourself, then for Sean.”

Drew closed her eyes, her hands clenched at her sides. “I need her,” she whispered harshly, “and I don’t want to.” That was all she could manage.

“There is always need in love, Drew. Its human to need,” Ellen said gently.

“Not like I need her,” Drew said. “It feels like she’s my sanity. The world makes sense when I’m with her.”

“Ah,” Ellen said, “and Susan make me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt without her. So, we need them to make life worth living so, were closet weaklings. Let me share a secret with you, Drew. Loving women like us, with our flaws and our broken places, is what they need. Were all here to help each other heal.”

Tears shimmered on Drew’s golden lashes and finally fell, years in the waiting. Ellen reached for her instinctively, cradling her in the shelter of her arms.

“Oh, Drew,” she murmured, “its not as selfish as you think. You’ve unlocked Sean’s heart something no one has ever been able to do. That’s a tremendous gift.”

Drew heard the words, not quite ready to believe them. Nevertheless, for the first time in eight years, she allowed someone to comfort her.