“Oh, Suse,” Sean cried, “I’ve gotten myself into a mess.”

“What? What?”

“I’ve fallen in love with someone who doesn’t care about me. If that isn’t bad enough, she’s leaving the city.”

“Oh, hell!” Susan picked at the bedspread. “Sean, honey? Are you sure you’re in love? I mean, you know”

Sean rolled over to stare at her sister. “It hurts, Suse that I cant see her, that I cant touch her. I close my eyes, and I see her everywhere! I’m lying here and my body aches for her.”

“Oh,” Susan said, “I’m sorry, Sean, really.”

Sean grasped her hand. “I know you are.”

“What can I do?”

“You’re doing it. You’re here, you’re listening. You’re not telling me to get over it.”

“Ha!” Susan said without humor, “I’m the last one to tell you to get over her. We don’t seem to love that way.”

“How in hell have you been managing?” Sean asked bitterly. “I don’t think I can stand it.”

“Just keep doing what has to be done, Sean. Go to work, go to class”

“Oh god I don’t think I can. When I walk in there and she’s not there, I think Ill fall apart.” She began crying again, despite her efforts to stop.

“You have to, Sean,” Susan whispered, lying down beside her and pulling her close. “You have to.”

CHAPTER NINE

One night, ten days after returning to the army base training camp in Virginia, Drew found herself standing outside a bar she hadn’t entered for eight years. Eight years since she stepped out this door into a night that would change the course of her life. Eight empty tormented years.

Of course, none of the old faces remained. Life on and around an army base was transient so many people just passing through. Drew had actually been one of the more permanent residents of the town that existed only because of the nearby base. The bar had been a gathering place for women who couldn’t be too careful about exposing their sexual preferences within the claustrophobic living quarters of Fort McGee.

She didn’t recognize the bartender, or the woman seated by the door checking I.D.s. The decor wasn’t much different the place still looked a little dingy. Still, it was filled with laughing women, relaxing after a week of work. In the case of the army recruits, it might have been their first time off base in weeks.

After ten days of staring at the walls of the small room that the army had provided for her, she had to get out. She didn’t know where else to go. This bar was the only haven she knew.

She took a seat at the long, well-worn bar and ordered a beer. She raised the mug slowly, glancing sideways up and down the bar. It was strange being here she had expected more of a reaction. She had replayed the events of that night so many times from here in this bar to the street where it had ended that she expected the room to be filled with ghosts. But, it seemed that her memories held those events with perfect clarity, while the years had tarnished the reality. There were no condemning voices, no demands for retribution, no restless souls here other than her own.

Sighing, she drained the glass and signaled for another. Her heart jumped when her eyes met a pair of deep green ones staring at her in the mirror over the bar. The dark, ruffled hair and willowy figure reminded her of Sean, but it was the eyes that always captured her. She lowered her gaze, feeling the disappointment like a knife in her depths. It wasn’t Sean, it wasn’t going to be Sean not now, not ever. She had given in, just that once, to her need to touch those black curls, to hold the slender figure, to kiss the full generous mouth. And she had wanted her from that moment seeing her night after night at the dojang, watching her move in that fluid, graceful cadence of the dancers, accepting the soothing comfort of her smile, her presence. She refused to listen to the warning sounds in her head, surrendering, irrevocably, to her desires. And now she was haunted, haunted by the vision of Sean, head tipped back, eyes half-closed, accepting her kiss, accepting her hands, rising to her touch as she entered her. The image of Sean as they had loved haunted her days, but it was the image of Sean lying bruised and bloodied that tormented her nights.

The nightmares continued, unabated. The pleasures Sean had brought her would have been worth the price of the night terrors if she hadn’t believed that Sean deserved better than her. She had failed, once before, with a woman she had loved at a price too high to bear. She would not fail another.

“That glass has been empty quite a while can I buy you another?”

The green-eyed soldier slipped onto the stool beside her, signaling the bartender for another round.

“Thanks,” Drew said. Her voice was harder than Sean’s, without the mellow timbre that Drew found so soothing.

“I saw one of your training sessions out at the base. The hand-to-hand knife defense. It was impressive,” her companion continued. “I’m a drill instructor Mary Burger.”

Drew shook the extended hand, liking the firmness of her grasp. “Drew Clark,” she added.

“I heard you had left last spring. I was surprised to see you back this fall. Couldn’t stand civilian life?”

Drew fingered the handle of her mug, tracing the contour with one long finger. “Guess not here I am.”

Mary stood, placing a hand on Drew’s arm. “Come on, lets dance.”

Drew felt too weary to protest and allowed herself to be led to the floor.

The night she had spent with Sean had thrown the world into turmoil. She had kept her feelings carefully contained, in some manageable corner of her mind, so that she might continue to function and suddenly there had been Sean. She ripped the barriers from her heart, and the restraints from her body, leaving her a victim of her own needs, desires and fears. She had run, only to find herself face to face with her demons, back in full force. Not only didn’t she have the comfort and tender joy of Sean’s presence, the wounds of her past now were bleeding as well.

Mary stepped into her arms, fitting herself with practiced ease against Drew’s tall form, and wrapped her arms around Drew’s waist. The heat of her hand barely registered in Drew’s consciousness. She was remembering another woman in her arms, the pressure of her breasts and thighs stirring a fire she had long thought extinguished. She danced with the memory, Sean’s face fluttering in her mind.

When they moved into another song, Mary tilted her head back and studied the handsome face before her. “How come I get the feeling its not me you’re dancing with?” she asked quietly.

Drew blushed and unconsciously stepped back an inch, putting distance between their bodies. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, “I’m a little tired I guess.”

Mary nodded sagely. “Uh-hu hand I’m a major general. Its okay I admit I was hoping for more than a dance, but”

Drew shook her head, smiling sadly.

“Does she know how lucky she is?” Mary asked.

“Not so lucky,” Drew said softly.

Ellen unlocked the door to the office she shared with Sean and was startled to find Sean seated at the desk in the small room they used for the business aspects of their practice. She had not seen Sean for several days, and she was taken aback by the fatigue etched in her face.

“What are you doing here so late?” Ellen asked, dumping the files she was carrying onto the end table.

“Catching up,” Sean replied tiredly.

“Me, too. I’m weeks behind in my insurance forms.”

Sean nodded, pulling another file toward her.

Ellen stretched out in the one overstuffed chair in the room and propped her feet on the waste basket.

“What’s wrong, Sean?” she asked at length.

Sean glanced up, her eyes brimming with tears. “It shows, huh?”

Ellen nodded. She never quite got used to looking at the woman who was the reflection of her lover ex-lover she reminded herself. The same fine features, the same ocean deep eyes. But, where Sean was cool and calm like the desert at night, Susan was fire and wind, burning up the landscape with her energy. Ellen loved them both for their generous and loving natures, but it was Susan who had stirred her passions. She had often wondered if anyone could stir Sean’s passions. Not that she doubted Sean cared deeply for people, but the core of her remained aloof, observing the passions of others, but never giving freedom to her own. She imagined it would have been terribly lonely had Sean been aware of her isolation; but, until now, there had never been any sign that she was unhappy.

“You look really sad.”

“Sad?” Sean echoed. Was that what this was this empty, aching desolation? This feeling of being severed from all the joy and laughter in the world?

From the peace of her own heart?

“I’m not sad, Ellen, I’m completely lost.”

The flat acceptance in her voice unnerved Ellen. She had heard the tone before, and knew it went hand in hand with deep pain.

“What’s happened?” she asked gently.

Sean stared at her wondering where to begin. She pushed her chair away from the desk and stared down at her lap. The tears that fell felt like old friends.

“I met a woman, Ellen. I fell in love with her. Then she left.”

“Drew?”

Sean nodded, raising one trembling hand to wipe the moisture from her face.

Sighing, she tried a tremulous smile. “I never would have believed this could happen to me. I was so sure that that kind of passion just wasn’t for me. Love, I thought, would be a quiet friendship, a comforting companionship. I never dreamed it would consume me the way this has devouring me from the inside out. I cant believe she’s gone and that she’s taken every shred of my composed, orderly life with her. Every cell in my body misses her.”

“Why did she leave?”