Sean grew quiet. “I’m a little afraid to think about it, Suse. This is all new to me. I’ve been really attracted to her for weeks, and when she invited me to her apartment, all I could think was that I wanted her to touch me. I didn’t think about what it meant. And now all I can think about is touching her again. I think I might have skipped a few steps.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, you know dating, discussing things like monogamy, views on world peace that kind of thing.” Nightmares, secrets, barriers she thought to herself.

“There’s still time for all of that, Sean,” Susan said.

“I hope so,” Sean murmured.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Sean spent the day in a haze. The only time her mind was clear was the fifty minute intervals she spent with her patients. Between sessions she sat at her desk and aimlessly rearranged the pens and pencils. Every few seconds she would be ambushed by a kaleidoscope of images Drew’s eyes, her hands, the sounds of passion, the taste of her. And Drew leaning over her the night she was hurt panicked, terrified and clearly somewhere else. Her professional instincts told her that whatever Drew was fighting, it was serious. Serious enough to keep them apart, and that was something she passionately did not want.

It was more than just Drew’s physical appeal, although, god knew, that attraction was powerful. But she had admired physical beauty in other women before and had never been drawn to them the way she was drawn to Drew. It was the woman herself who captivated her the contrast of fierce discipline, commitment, and self-control combined with caring and compassion. What moved her the most, she was forced to admit, however, were the glimpses of suffering Drew revealed in her unguarded moments. That’s what made Sean ache to hold her, not with desire, but with love.

She chose the work she did because the pain of others compelled her, touched her deeply, made her ache with emotion more intense than any pleasure. She was drawn to pain because, inevitably, it was pain that bound all creatures in their valiant struggle called life. In our pain we are most human, and often, most alive.

She sighed and pushed back from her desk. She needed to get ready for class.

Chris was surprised to find Drew at the door when she answered the bell late in the afternoon.

“Drew!” she cried.

“Hello, Chris. Is Master Cho in?” Drew asked quietly.

“In the garden. Go on back.” Chris didn’t attempt to follow. It was clear from the tone of Drew’s voice and the dark look on her face that she was here on a private matter.

Janet looked up from the chair where she sat reading and closed her book gently. She had been expecting Drew’s visit for some time now.

Drew bowed formally. “Forgive me for interrupting”

“I am glad you came. Sit down, please,” she answered, pointing to the chair beside her. She waited patiently while Drew searched for words.

“I’m going away for a while,” Drew said at length.

“Ah where will you go?”

“Virginia, I think. The army has asked me to run an intensive training course for recruits.”

“How long?”

Drew shrugged. “Six, eight weeks. Permanently, if I want the job.”

Her voice was flat, but the trembling in her hands betrayed her agitation.

“Now tell me why you will go.”

Drew thought of the reasons she had been giving herself but could not bring herself to lie to her old friend.

“I’m not ready for a regular life. I thought I was, but since I’ve been back I’ve the dreams are back. I thought they were gone its been years. But now its worse.”

“And you think they will stop if you go away?”

Drew raised her hands in a frustrated gesture. “I don’t know but I have to do something.”

“Perhaps the dreams have come back because this is a safe place to have them where you have friends, yes?”

Drew forced herself to say the next words. “It’s not just the dreams” How could she explain that now she dreamed of Sean, terrifying images, all with Sean’s face. “It’s” she stopped, helpless.

“Ah, yes I think I see. There is now the situation with Sean.”

Drew started, shocked. “You know?”

Janet Cho lifted a shoulder gently. “I know that she looks at you with an open heart, and eyes that hold you. I know that you reach for her and then pull your hand away.”

“I slept with her last night,” Drew confessed.

“And now, you are afraid?”

“It was the wrong thing to do,” Drew said harshly. “I was only thinking of myself. There’s something about her I felt it right away when I look at her I feel calm, balanced, safe. And I wanted her. I didn’t know shed never been with a woman before. Its not right for her to learn this way not with me. I should never have involved her.”

“There have been others since Dara?”

“No,” Drew said, her voice breaking. “I couldn’t I didn’t want to.”

“Then I think there is something powerful between you and Sean”

“My need,” Drew rasped, “my weakness. I held her and I couldn’t help it.” She got up abruptly and began to pace in the small, enclosed space.

“Do you think there is no need in love, Drew? We are human because we need love.”

“Not this way,” Drew raged. “Not without something to give, strength to answer need.”

Janet Cho remained silent. Drew was deaf now, unable to hear beyond her pain, unable to see beyond her self-doubt. Her heart would open, or it would not.

“I will miss you, Drew. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself.”

“Forgive myself? Never.”

Janet Cho faced her class. As always, the eager faces before her stirred many emotions. Love, pride, concern, duty. From a distance, her hand guided them in the physical quest for spiritual growth. By hardening their bodies, they hardened their spirits. By listening to their bodies, they learned to listen to their hearts. There were many paths to personal growth. This was but one, but it was here, under her eyes, they had chosen to face their weaknesses and learn their strengths. They honored her with their trust. She honored their struggles.

“Master Clark will not be with us for some time,” she began.

Sean didn’t hear the words that followed. She hadn’t expected this she had Imagined that Drew might not want to see her again. She was too old to believe that every sexual encounter led to a relationship. She had even Imagined that Drew might never even give her a reason for not wanting to see her. But she had never Imagined that Drew would simply leave, without a word. She thought she could deal with the disappointment if one night were all she had with Drew, although she didn’t quite know how she would stop the wanting. But this, this was more than she could bear. She needed to hear the words, no matter how hard, that she wasn’t wanted, that she wasn’t needed. Maybe the words would be hard to accept, but the silence would destroy her.

She broke from the line and stepped to the side of the room.

“Sean?” Master Cho questioned.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I need permission to leave.”

Master Cho bowed. “You are dismissed.”

Sean bowed. “Thank you, ma’am.”

She drove hurriedly to Drew’s apartment, no clear plan in her mind. She drove instinctively, answering only to her need to know what was happening.

She held her breath until she heard the lock click on the door. And then Drew was there.

“Sean,” Drew murmured.

“I’m sorry. I had to see you.”

Drew looked uncertain for a moment, then stepped back from the door.

“Come in. There’s coffee”

“No, thanks.”

They faced each other awkwardly, until Drew finally motioned to the small couch pushed beneath the open window.

“Sit down, please.”

“Master Cho said you were leaving.”

“Yes.”

“Is it permanent?”

Drew stared at her hands, which were clenched in her lap.

“I don’t know. Yes probably.”

Sean took a deep breath. She could leave now and imagine her own reasons. Try to forget, try to stop thinking of the way Drew had touched heron her body, in her heart. Or, she could have the truth. She wasn’t sure which would be the harder.

“You don’t have to tell me you don’t owe me an explanation, but you mean something to me, no I’m in love with you. I’m not going to have any place to put those feelings unless I know why you’re leaving. Is it me?”

“No,” Drew murmured, “its me. I wasn’t thinking very clearly last night. I didn’t think about what it all meant to you”

Sean interrupted gently, “I’m thirty-five years old, Drew. It took me ten years of a bad marriage and five years of celibacy to realize I wanted to love a woman. It took you to make me realize that. I am responsible for being here last night because I wanted you. I will not accept, however noble, your bearing all the responsibility for last night. Please!”

Drew smiled, a small bitter smile. “You waited all that time for the wrong woman, Sean. I’m sorry.”

Sean expected it to hurt, she just hadn’t expected how much. Not until that moment had she realized just how deeply Drew had affected her. How was she going to get over her? She turned her face away to hide the tears.

“Ill go,” she said softly.

“Sean, I’m sorry.”

Sean nodded. She did not look back as she headed for the door.

“Be well, Drew,” she whispered as she closed the door behind her.

Drew dropped her head back on the couch, willing the sound of Sean’s voice from her mind. She knew it would take much longer to will her from her heart.

“Sean!” Susan called, rapping at her door, “Sean, let me in.”

“Its open,” came the muffled reply.

Susan crossed to the bed where Sean lay face down with her arms under her head.

“Are you crying? What’s wrong? You’ve been up here for hours.”