"Its I that am sorry," she replied shakily. "I cant seem to stop throwing myself at you. Youve made it perfectly clear -"

"Anna, dont," Graham murmured. "There is no need for an apology."

Anna drew a long breath, steadying herself. When she spoke again her voice had a steely calm. "Thank you, Graham, for trusting me with your music. It meant more to me than I can ever say." She turned to leave, but couldnt help but ask, "Will I see you at dinner?"

Graham shook her head, "Not tonight, Anna."

**********

"Is Graham coming for dinner?" Helen asked as she set out the hot rolls to cool.

Anna shook her head, busying herself with the dishes. She didnt trust herself to speak, she was still shaking.

"Working still, is she?"

"Yes," Anna managed.

Helen gave her a concerned look. The girl was completely white. "Everything going all right?" she asked cautiously.

"She finished something this afternoon," Anna replied hollowly. After a pause, she added softly, "It was unbelievable."

"Oh?" Helen asked in surprise. "She played it for you?"

"Yes, she did," Anna replied, her voice devoid of emotion.

Helen gave Anna her full attention, setting aside the roast she was carving. For Graham to have played for Anna was nothing short of a miracle, but it seemed to have produced anything but a happy response.

"Graham can be very self-absorbed when shes working. Sometimes she forgets about common civility and other peoples feelings," she ventured, thinking that Grahams notoriously volatile nature may have given offense.

"She was perfectly charming, as always," Anna remarked somewhat harshly. Graham raised even rejection to an art form. Damn her pristine control! Isnt there anything that affects her iron clad self-discipline ? Anna was only too afraid she knew the answer to that.

"Well, shes done something, now hasnt she?" Helen persisted softly.

"No, Helen," Anna began, surrendering to her frustration. " Ive done something." Ive fallen in love with her! She closed her eyes, searching for calm. She couldnt very well tell Helen that she wanted Graham to make love to her, now could she?

"I cant seem to reach her," she said carefully. "She is always polite, always cordial and her distance is driving me crazy. She wont accept one compliment; she cant hear one kind word, without mistrusting it! Its so hard when you care about her!" She caught back a sob, struggling for the tatters of her own self-control.

"Graham has been alone a very long time," Helen said carefully. "She has forgotten how to get on with people." She sensed it was more serious than that, but Helen didnt want to embarrass Anna if her assumptions were wrong. Annas moodiness hadnt escaped her notice, and neither had Grahams growing reliance on Anna. She had been expecting some kind of confrontation for weeks.

"Well, she certainly seemed to know how to get along with Christine!" Anna said angrily . She certainly didnt have any problems kissing her ! she wanted to shout. Oh god, I really am losing my mind!

"Christine?" Helen responded dismissively, "Graham suffered her presence, thats all."

"Im not so sure about that," Anna responded, her anger escalating, too hurt for caution. "She suffered a lot more than her presence . She allowed that woman to fall all over her, and she could deny her nothing!! I think shes still in love with her and is just too damn stubborn to admit it!"

"So she told you about them, did she?" Helen asked, beginning to get a better idea about the source of Annas distress.

"Yes, she told me!!" Anna barked. "The love affair to end all love affairs. Whether Christine is here or not, she will always have that hold on Graham! God, Im such a fool!"

Helen shook her head adamantly, "Oh no, my dear. You are wrong. Graham made a fool out of herself over that girl, but she wasnt so much a fool that she would do it twice!! When Christine left Graham for Richard Blair, she not only broke Graham's heart, she betrayed everything Graham believed love to be. As hard as it was, at some point even Graham had to accept that she was only an exciting and forbidden diversion for Christine. Love her still? No my dear, Graham would never have forgiven the betrayal."

"Then what is it that keeps her so apart?" Anna beseeched. "She is so talented, so sensitive, so kindhow can she bury all of that as if it meant nothing? As if she herself meant nothing? What is she hiding from??"

Helen had never seen Anna so distraught, and she knew the only words that might help her would also reveal Grahams deepest secrets. It was not for her to expose Graham in that way.

"Perhaps she just needs time, Anna. These last months, since youve come, shes changed so much. Oh, I know you cant see itbut I can. She no longer sits for hours, alone in her rooms, or wanders the bluff at all hours of the night. There is life in her now, Anna, life that has been missing for more than a decade! Just listen to her music if you dont believe me. You led her back into the world. You put a flower in her hand and showed her there was life that she could experience still. Such a simple thing as a flower! It took you to do that!"

Anna shook her head, feeling sad and defeated. "Whatever else she needs, I cant seem to give her. And I dont know how much more I can take." She looked at Helen with despair in her eyes. "Im sorry, Helen, you dont deserve this. I dont even know why Im so upsetI dont even know what Im feeling half the time. Its foolish of me to be carrying on like this. Maybe Im just being selfish - Graham certainly seems content." She gave Helen a tremulous smile and a swift hug. "Dont wait dinner for me," she said as she hurried from the room.

Helen looked after her, conflicting loyalties warring in her mind. As much as she adored Graham Yardley, she couldnt stand by and watch Anna suffer.

**********

"Graham?" Helen called at the music room door. She entered to find the room deserted. The doors to the terrace were open, despite the brisk October wind. A few leaves fluttered through and clustered on the floor. Grahams body was outlined in moonlight as she leaned against the balustrade, facing out to the night. Her light shirt whipped about her thin form in the wind.

Helen wrapped her shawl tighter around herself and ventured out. She was shocked by the chill in Grahams fingers when she covered her hand where it lay on the railing.

"Graham! Youre freezing. Come inside!"

"Im fine, Helen," Graham answered hollowly. "Go backits too cold here for you."

"And youre made of stone?" Helen snapped, her patience perilously close to gone. First Anna, and now Grahamthe two of them suffering was more than she could watch in silence.

"It seems that I am," replied Graham with a cynical smile.

"I know better than that, and you would too if youd let yourself admit it."

"Helen," Graham said warningly, "I love you like my own parent, but this is something you know nothing about. Let it alone, pleasefor my sake."

"I have!! All these years when you locked yourself away herebut theres not just you anymoretheres Anna."

"Helen" Graham growled harshly, "leave Anna out of this!"

"I would if I could, but thats not up to me, is it? Ive watched you dying slowly right before my eyes for too many yearsyou who I cherish with all my heart, and Ive never said a word, never tried to change your mind. I know how much you lost - and your sight was the least of it!"

"Helen, please," Graham whispered, her fists clenched against the stone rail, "please, dont do this now. Please let me have some peace."

"This is not peace, Graham! You may be blind, but your heart is notyou may think love deserted you, but you know as well as I do that wasnt love! I wont believe you cant recognize it when you feel it! Anna loves you"

"Anna pities me"

"No, Graham. For once your blindness has trapped you! I can see what you refuse to feel I only have to look at her look at you to know! She loves you, Graham!"

A groan escaped Graham as she turned away. "You know me Helen! You know what my life demands, what I demand! Do you truly think anyone, especially someone as young and vital as Anna, would stay, once she knew what it really meant? I might have killed Christine in the car that night, because she couldnt give me what I wanted- because she was leaving me. I believed once, and it destroyed me. I will not believe again-I cannot survive the loss."

"You underestimate her, Grahamand its not just yourself youre hurting now. Youre breaking her heart."

"No!" Graham shouted, her fists pounding the unyielding stone. "I cannot, I will not, let this happenit would destroy us both! I will not bind her to this barren world that is my heart. Now leave me, pleaseI beg of you." Her last words came in a choked whisper, and tears streaked down her anguished face.

Helen bent her head in defeat, longing to take the trembling woman in her arms. But she knew that Graham would not allow even that sympathy. What Graham feared was inside herself, and nothing could assuage her inconsolable grief.


Chapter Fifteen


Silence descended on Yardley Manor as each of them struggled to accept their disappointments. Anna went about her work with quiet resignation, an aching hollowness her constant companion. Whereas once the time she spent with Graham eased her loneliness, now seeing her only seemed to heighten it. And Graham, if possible, was even more remote. They spent less time together, as Graham often absented herself from the music room in the afternoons. Instead she worked late into the night, after the others were asleep. She had begun taking her meals alone again, although the trays came back barely touched. The music that echoed in the corridors was dark and melancholythe one place Graham could not hide her emotions was in her music. It was truly the mirror of her soul. Helen stood by helplessly, knowing that only Graham could change the course of their lives.