Anna looked at her disbelievingly. "Ive been up to the terrace behind her study. Shes not playing- the room is dark -" Anna sighed. "Of course it would be, wouldnt it. She doesnt need the light. Its sound proof, too, isnt it?"
"Yes, as long as the doors are closed." Helen affirmed. "I dont know if you can understand what this means, Anna. Im not sure I do any longer. Graham hasnt attempted a new work since her injury. Oh, shes written fragments - those sad melodies she plays. But nothing of any complexity, and nothing thats ever affected her like this. I used to pray that she would work again, but now Im not sure its a good thing. If she cant - Im not sure how much disappointment one soul can bear!"
"Give me the breakfast tray," Anna said quietly.
"Oh, no, Graham wouldnt like that!" Helen protested.
"Helen, I dont give a damn if Graham likes it or not! Are you going to stand by for the rest of your life and watch her die a little bit more each day!?"
Helen couldnt hide her shock, and the harsh words shook her to her core. She stared at Anna, stricken.
"Oh my God, Helen," Anna cried. "I am so sorry!" She passed a trembling hand across her face, drawing a shaky breath. "I cant begin to apologize! I dont know what Im saying! Ive been worried sick about her, and I just - Please, can you forgive me?"
"Its all right, my dear. I can see that youre upset for her." She turned to prepare the tray. "Maybe if I hadnt given in to her so easily all these years -" she said uncertainly.
"No, Helen," Anna said compassionately, agonizing over the words she had uttered in anger. "Graham is a formidable woman, and I doubt that you or anyone else could have changed her. My god, if you hadnt been here for her all this time, who knows how she would have survived."
Helen remained silent, thinking that Anna had done more to change Grahams life in three months than all of her own attention over the years. She knew Anna had spoken from a place of caring, and she was grateful at last for someone who wasnt willing to let Graham simply slip away. Everyone else who had supposedly loved her had either been too devastated by her tragedy or too weak to stand between Graham and her pain. Why Anna was willing to, she didnt know. For now she was just thankful that she did.
"Take this then," Helen said, offering the breakfast tray. "But be prepared. You havent yet seen Graham when shes battling her demons. Her temper terrified most people."
**********
Graham stood, shoulders slumped, before the fireplace, her arms folded along the mantle, her forehead resting against them. She stared down into the cold ashes. The back of her linen shirt was rumpled and sweat-stained. From across the room, Anna could see her trembling. Graham waved a hand distractedly, "Just leave it, Helen."
"Not until you eat," Anna said as she placed the tray next to the untouched dinner left from the night before.
Graham turned in surprise. "Anna?"
"Yes," Anna replied, struggling for calm. Grahams face was creased with fatigue, she was unsteady on her feet, and she looked like she had lost five pounds when what she needed was to gain twenty. Her physical fragility was shocking. Anna had grown accustomed to the force and power of Grahams presence, and to be confronted so vividly with Grahams vulnerability frightened Anna more than she could have imagined. My god, this is killing her! The thought was so terrifying Anna clenched her fists to keep from crying out.
"Leave itplease," Graham repeated softly. She forced a smile, trying to hide her weariness. "Then go."
Anna took a breath, "I want you to eat first."
Graham frowned, her body rigid with tension. "I will. Later."
"No. Now," Anna repeated, knowing she was on dangerous ground. She knew that no one dictated to Graham Yardley, and certainly not when she was in the midst of a creative fury. She steeled herself for the storm that finally arrived. Graham straightened to her full imposing height, her dark eyes flashing fire.
"I dont have time to argue with you, Anna, nor should I have to. I am still master of this house and, if I am correct, you work for me. Dont interfere in something you know nothing about!"
"I know you cant work like this -"
"You presume to speak of my work?!" Graham shouted, slamming the piano lid down in frustration. "What do you know of my work! Could you even begin to recognize a great piece of music, let alone understand what it takes to create one?! Do you have any idea who I --" Graham stopped abruptly, realizing what she was about to say. Do you have any idea who I am ? Who was she now?
Anna would have preferred the anger to the agonizing uncertainty that she glimpsed as Graham turned from her. Helen had voiced what Graham obviously feared. What if she cant?
"Of course I dont know what it takes! I cant even begin to fathom what it demands of you to create what you have. I do know who you are, Graham, and I know you can do this. But youve got to stop driving yourself this way! Its only making it harder!"
Graham bowed her head, both arms braced on the wide expanse of the silent grand piano. "Please leave me, Anna," she said quietly, her despondency apparent.
"I cant," Anna said desperately. "Not like this."
Graham ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "I didnt know you were so stubborn."
"Theres a lot you dont know about me," Anna said as she moved quickly to Grahams side, grasping her hand. "Come, sit down."
Graham allowed herself to be led to the chair. She was truly too tired to protest. She was ready to admit defeat, she should have known better than to try - but the music was still there, so close to her grasp! She leaned her head back with a groan.
"Do you want champagne?" Anna asked.
Graham laughed faintly. "Isnt it morning?"
"Yes, but for you, its well past time for bed. Youve been at this three days Graham - you cant keep this up." Anna said reasonably, trying to hide her own deep fear.
"I cant stop now, Anna. Not yet," Graham said frantically. "Ive been trying so hard to seize the musicI think I have it, and then its gone." She dropped her head into both hands. "Perhaps I just cant do it anymore. Perhaps I am the fool."
Anna couldnt bear to hear the defeat in her voice. She had already lost so much!
"Graham, youre tired, youre driving yourself. Have something to eat. Rest a while. It will come."
Graham shook her head. "I cant. If I sleep now, I may lose it all." She was riding the thin edge of control, besieged with uncertainty, exhausted, and nearly broken.
Anna couldnt stand by and watch her suffer any longer. "Graham," she said softly, sliding on to the broad arm of the chair, encircling Grahams shoulder with one protective arm. "You cant lose it. Its part of youthe music is you. I know that much from hearing you play."
She slipped a hand into Grahams thick hair, massaging the cramped muscles in her neck. Graham groaned, leaning her head back into Annas hands.
"Thats not fair, but it feels so good," she murmured.
"Close your eyes," Anna whispered, a catch in her throat.
"Just for a second," Graham relented. She was so very tired!
Anna kept Graham in her arms long after she finally gave in to sleep. Gently, Anna pushed the damp hair back from her forehead, wincing at the dark shadows under her eyes. Her skin seemed even paler, if possible. Anna felt a fierce desire to safeguard this delicate spirit. She continued to stroke her hair softly as she slept. She drifted, peaceful for the first time in days, with Graham secure in her arms.
When Graham stirred some time later, she became aware of Annas body pressed to hers. Grahams cheek rested against Annas shoulder, and one arm encircled Annas firm waist. The heat from Annas body surprised her. She hadnt known the closeness of another human being, nor wanted it, for more years than she could remember. Annas nearness stirred memories, in her body and her mind, that she would rather leave buried. She knew she must move away; she was beginning to respond in ways she could not control. Some awakening need, however, cried out for Annas touch.
"Are you awake?" Anna queried softly, absently sliding her hand down Grahams neck to rest her fingers lightly against the soft skin left bare by the open collar of Grahams shirt. She attributed the fine shiver that coursed through Grahams frame to her lingering fatigue. "Graham?"
"Mmm," Graham murmured, struggling to hide her erratic breathing. All of her consciousness seemed to be focused on the spot where Annas hand lay. "My headache is gone, and the music is still there." She didnt add that Annas nearness was making it difficult to concentrate on the distant melody. For some reason it didnt seem quite as urgent right now. She even began to dare hope that the notes would not desert her.
"Ah," Anna smiled. "Some breakfast then, and that champagne."
"I want to work," Graham protested, struggling to rise.
Anna stilled her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.
" After breakfast!"
Graham shifted in the wide chair so that she was facing Anna, her expression revealing her frustration. Anna longed to smooth the wrinkles from her brow, but now that Graham was awake she was hesitant to touch her. Instead, she regarded her silently, surprised by the emotions just the sight of her stirred.
"What is it?" Graham asked at length, aware of the scrutiny.
"You have the most beautiful eyes," Anna whispered.
Graham blushed faintly. "The scar," she began hesitantly, "is it very bad?"
Anna traced the scar with her finger, at last giving in to her urge to stroke the lovely face. "No. I hardly think of itexcept that it reminds me of how much youve been hurt. Then all I want is to undo those hurts. I would give anything to change what happened to you," she finished softly.
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