Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

The Reaper draws back its hood and my father’s face is exposed to the moonlight. Throwing myself into his arms I let the tears flow freely, sniffling as I rub my face into his chest.

“Sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” He strokes my hair, clutching me to him. “I never wanted to leave you, you know that.”

I nod and sniffle again. “I know, daddy.”

He pulls me back just a little, just enough so I can look up and see the pain in his eyes.

“You know what you have to do now?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to.”

“Mr. Reed,” Logan says breathlessly. “Zoe, how long have you known?”

“Since the bridge. It reached out to help me. I remember when I was little and I’d fall down, dad reaching down to help me up. I wasn’t sure then. But later, in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think about it, to put the pieces together.”

“My sweet, strong, stubborn little girl. Who else could it be? Who else could love so deeply and with so much courage that it could do all this? I’m so proud of you.”

I drop his hand and turn to Logan. “I’m so sorry Logan, I didn’t realize. He tried to tell me, even you knew on some level.”

“What are you talking about Zoe? You aren’t making any sense.”

“It’s me. It was never your unfinished business holding you here. It was always just me. And the more I needed you to be here, the stronger you became. That’s why you were solid sometimes. It was because I needed you to be real so desperately, that I made you stay. I’m so, so sorry Logan.”

“I don’t understand,” he says, taking my hands in his. “What does this mean?”

“It means that Zoe is a force of nature, a power all her own. She reached out and held on to us so tightly that we couldn’t go, even when we were supposed to.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I whisper. “I just couldn’t lose you. Either of you.”

Logan reaches out, touching the side of my face with the tips of his fingers.

“I know that, Zoe. I don’t blame you. I didn’t want to go either.”

A tear rolls across my lip and into my mouth as I take a deep breath. “But now I have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done, now I have to let you go.”

He pulls me against him, and I can feel him, the full length of him from head to toe.

“No, you don’t Zoe. Please,” he begs.

In a heartbeat he’s kissing me, deeply, desperately, like a dying man gasping for breath. His fingers are curled into my hair, clutching me to him. I break the kiss, pulling away just a little. I can taste the salty tears in my mouth.

“You can’t stay. As much as you want to, as much as I want you to. You can’t keep suffering like this.”

He takes my face in his hands. “I would rather suffer for a million years and get to be close to you, than to lose you now. It’s not fair. We only just found each other.”

Hot tears stream down my face, rolling onto his hands.

It’s my father’s voice behind me that makes him look away.

“You won’t be leaving her, not really. Time is different for us, Logan. A lifetime for her is only minutes where we’re going. And you’ll see her again.”

He shakes his head. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because love, true love, is eternal. It’s a bond that nothing can break. That’s why you were given this time together. Your life was cut short, but this bond needed to be made before you could pass over, before she could release you.”

I close my eyes, squeezing the remaining moisture from my eyes.

“I love you, Logan. I will love you forever. But we have to let each other go for now.” The words are a knife in my heart. Nothing has ever been more painful than this, and if I live a hundred years, nothing ever will be.

“I love you too, Zoe.” He kisses me again, this time it’s a soft, gentle kiss, a kiss full of hope and promises unspoken. He releases me and steps back. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

“I know,” I say, licking the last taste of him from my lips.

My father holds out his arm, leading Logan away from me. I feel a shudder start in the heels of my feet and quake its way up my body. He turns back, grinning over his shoulder.

“Do me a favor. Make me wait a really, really long time, okay?”

I nod because I don’t dare open my mouth, I’m too afraid of what will come out. Tilting my head up to the sky I close my eyes, just breathing in and out slowly, trying to calm my shaking. When I open my eyes again they are both gone. I fall to my knees in the grass and sob into my hands. I don’t know how long I cry, but I cry until the tears have run dry and I can’t feel anything but the vast emptiness where Logan used to be. Crawling to my feet I dust myself off. I have a life to get back to. And I’d better make it a damn good one, because I’m not just living it for me. Not anymore.

There’s no music in the elevator, making the ride feel like it’s taking forever. Only Carlos and I are riding this trip. He’s clutching my hand so tightly I think he might leave bruises. When the doors finally open a breeze blows my dress around mercilessly. My skin erupts in goosebumps, but I don’t care. We walk slowly through the maze of ropes and out onto the observation deck. I don’t even mind when the wind whips my carefully curled hair into a tangled mess. I walk to the edge, looking out across the vast horizon. Around me people are staring, but I don’t care. Closing my eyes I take a deep breath, the scent of the east river hangs heavy in the air, filling my nostrils. The wind is cold as it blows the soft white fabric of my dress around my legs.

“I’m going to have to fix your hair in the cab,” Carlos grumbles, pulling the black jacket tight around him with a shiver.

“I just need a minute alone,” I say, my words carried away in the morning air.

He nods, “I’ll be inside.”

I cling to the edge of the green metal railing, pressing my face against the mesh. The other people spread out, giving me space. I take another deep breath.

“I can’t believe it’s been five years since you left,” I whisper, letting the wind carry the words away. “I miss you every day.”

My heart aches in my chest and I fight it back because, today of all days, I have to hold myself together.

“I just wanted to come here and tell you, I’m happy. But you probably know that. I’m sure you’re up there somewhere stalking me like always.” I bite my bottom lip, chewing off the lipstick I’d so carefully applied this morning. “But mostly, I just want to say, thank you. And…I love you.”

The wind picks up and I feel the chill run along my skin, comforting and cold. A caress I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Carlos peeks his head out the door. “Seriously Zoe, you’re going to be late for your own wedding. You don’t want to keep Kyle waiting.”

I sigh, smiling into the wind and wiping the hair out of my eyes. The truth is, Kyle would wait for me forever. Over the years he’s been the one constant in my life, the one thing I’ve never had to doubt. He’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with--the person I love most in the world. I only came here because I couldn’t think of any better way to get Logan’s attention. Even though I haven’t seen him since the night he finally crossed over, I still feel him sometimes. I felt him the day I graduated high school, the day I stood on a volcano in Hawaii, and most recently, the night Kyle proposed. And I feel him with me today.

I touch the bodice of my white dress, where the old bottle cap sits on a chain next to my heart. “Well come on then. Let’s not make him wait anymore.”

First and always foremost I need to thank my family for their patience, love, and support. My husband Jeremy and my original trilogy, Jonathan, Sidney, and Camille, you guys are the center of my world—even when I’m locked in the office for days at a time. I love you more than you will ever know.

I would also like to send big thanks and love to my extended family, my parents by blood, and by marriage, and the siblings I never had but always wanted, and my crazy cousins. You guys are beyond compare and I thank God every day that I get to be part of your lives.

When it comes down to publishing a book, there is always a fear that I imagine is similar to walking a tight rope without a net. Fear of failure, fear of ridicule, and top of my list, fear that you are wasting your time with something that will never see the light of day. Writing this book was one of the biggest risks I’ve ever taken, not because I didn’t love the story but because I was being told that publishers would never buy it and people never read it. It was too ‘paranormal’ or too ‘off trend’. But I loved Zoe and Logan and so I stuck my head in the sand and did it anyway. And I’m really glad I did.

It’s on that note that I want to thank my publishing family for catching me when I decided to let go. The folks at Clean Teen Publishing—Courtney, Dyan, Marya, and Rebecca—you ladies have been a joy and a blast to work for. I have never had such a good time publishing a book before. YOU make this look easy. (And big hugs and thanks to Angie Townsend for introducing us and encouraging me to submit to them.)

Thanks to everyone who helped me in the filming of the Losing Logan Book trailer, Monica, Kaydie, Krystie, Cody, and of course, everyone who came out to be an extra or just an extra hand. You guys are amazing!

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my biggest fan, cheerleader, tech support, and life coach Danette Westerfield. A brilliant author in her own right, she still manages to make time for me and I could never repay her kindness and love.