“Of course I do, it was an accident, Joe. I couldn't help it. Worse things could happen.” But not in Joe's mind. She hadn't listened to him and he felt trapped suddenly.

“Not much. Dammit, Kate. Get rid of it. I don't want it.”

“Joe, you don't mean that!” She looked shocked, he was having a total tantrum.

“I do. I'm not having a baby at my age. Have an abortion.” He finally threw himself down on the bed, and glared at her. She was horrified by what he was saying.

“Joe, we're married… it's our baby… it's not going to change anything in our lives. I'll get a nurse and I can still travel with you.”

“I don't care, I don't want it.” He looked like a five-year-old running the world as he sat in bed, literally fuming at her.

“I'm not going to have an abortion,” she said calmly. “I lost our baby once before. I'm not going to kill another.” That had been eleven years before, but she still remembered every hideous second of it, and the grief she had felt over losing their baby. It had taken her months to recover.

“You're going to kill me, if you have this kid, Kate. And jeopardize our marriage. We have enough strain on us now, you're the one who says I'm never here. And now you're going to be whining constantly that I'm not home with our baby. Christ, if this was what you wanted, you should have married another guy, or stayed married to Andy. He seems to have a kid every time he looks at a woman.” He and his wife were expecting their new baby shortly, but Kate was wounded by Joe's comment.

“I want to be married to you, Joe. I always did. This isn't fair. It wasn't my fault,” and she really wanted it. But he was convinced that she had tricked him into having a baby, and nothing she could say would convince him otherwise.

He turned off the light and rolled over with his back to her a few minutes later, and he was gone when she woke up the next morning. She was feeling sick over his reaction to the news the night before, and even more so when she thought of him telling her to have an abortion. But apparently he meant it, because he brought it up again that night. He was grateful that she didn't have a terminal illness as he had feared at first when she fainted, but as far as he was concerned, this was the next worst thing to a brain tumor.

“I thought about what you said last night, Kate, about… you know, the pregnancy….” He had trouble even calling it a baby. And he was staring at his plate when he talked to her. It was as though he didn't even want to see her. But for a minute, she thought he was going to relent and tell her he was sorry. “The more I thought about it today, the more I knew how wrong it is for us. I know it upsets you, Kate, but I really think you have to end it. It's the best thing for both of us, and the other children. It's going to be upsetting enough for them when Andy and his new wife have a kid, if we have a baby too, they're going to end up feeling like nobody loves them, and they'll wind up jealous and neurotic.” It was the best argument he could come up with, and Kate almost laughed at him, except she was so upset by what he was saying. He still wanted her to have an abortion.

“Other kids seem to survive having siblings,” she said sensibly. She was not going to let him sway her, but she also didn't want it to cost them their marriage. And she had never seen Joe as upset as he'd been the night before when she told him. He was calmer now, but no happier than he'd been at her announcement.

“Their parents aren't divorced, Kate.”

“Joe… I'm not going to have an abortion.” It was as clear as she could make it to him. “I won't. I love you. And I want to have our baby.”

He didn't say a word to her, and he stayed in his study that night until he came to bed. And the next day he left for his four-week trip to Europe. He didn't even say goodbye to her before he left. He just stormed out of the house.

It was a whole week this time before he called her, which was unusual for him. But he had been stewing while he was gone, and all she could do was leave him alone. He called her from Madrid, and he sounded businesslike and subdued. He asked how she was, and how the children were, and then he told her what he was doing. And after a few minutes, he told her he'd call her again sometime soon. In the end, he called her three times in four weeks. And she knew that when he came back, he was only going to be in New York for two days. After that, he was going to Hong Kong and Japan, and he wouldn't be back in New York for another three weeks. He was back in his rat race again.

He flew back to New York on the first of February, and the kids were already in bed when he got home. Kate was in the living room, watching television, and she looked up with a start when she heard him come in. It took him a few minutes to walk into the living room, and he approached her slowly when he did. He hadn't even called to tell her when he was arriving.

“How are you, Kate?” It was a cool greeting after a long four weeks and very little contact from him, and she assumed that he was still angry at her. It was beginning to remind her of the icy atmosphere between her and Andy after he had refused to give her a divorce, and she was suddenly afraid that Joe would end their marriage over the baby. It would have been a crazy thing to do, but she was beginning to wonder if he'd ever forgive her for what had happened, whether or not it was her fault.

“I'm fine. How are you?” she said cautiously, as he sat down in a chair across from her.

“Tired,” he said. It had been a long flight.

“Did everything go okay?” She hadn't spoken to him in a week, and she was so happy to see him, she would have liked to throw her arms around his neck, but she didn't dare.

“More or less. What about you?” He glanced at her cryptically and she sighed. It was easy to guess what he wanted to know.

“I didn't have an abortion, if that's what you mean,” she said, looking away from him. It was a battle of wills over one tiny life. It seemed a sad state of affairs to her. “I told you I wouldn't.”

“I know,” was all he could say, and then he walked across the room to sit next to her. He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. “I don't know why you want this baby, Kate.” He sounded exhausted and sad, but no longer angry at her, and she was relieved.

“Because I love you, you dope,” she said in a choked voice, snuggling close to him. She had missed him so much, and been worried about how angry he was at her.

“I love you too. I think it's a dumb thing for us to do. But I guess if that's the way it is, I'll live with it. Just don't expect me to do diapers, or walk it around all night while it cries. I'm an old man, Kate, I need my sleep.” He looked down at her with a lopsided smile, and she looked at him incredulously. She loved him so much, and even when he made a lot of noise, in the end he always did the right thing.

“You're not an old man, Joe.”

“Yes, I am.” He didn't tell her, but he had gone to sit in a church in Rome, to think about it. He wasn't a religious man, but when he'd come out, he had decided to let her have the baby, if it meant so much to her. “Just don't faint on me again. You damn near gave me a heart attack. Have you been feeling okay?” He looked concerned.

“I'm fine.” She was so relieved that she didn't dare tell him that the doctor thought she was growing so fast that it might be twins. Joe had barely survived the idea of one baby, she couldn't bear to think what he'd say if he thought there were two.

They went to the kitchen after that, and she talked animatedly, telling him everything she'd done, who she'd seen, where she'd been. He loved listening to her, even when he was tired. He loved her energy, the look in her eyes, and the way she looked, and most of all the way she made him feel. Somehow, even when he was tired, she brought excitement into his life. It was what had pulled him to her the first time he'd laid eyes on her, and held him ever since.

They sat at the kitchen table and talked for a long time, and when they finally went to bed, they were best friends again. He had missed her for the past month, just as she had missed him. He couldn't even begin to imagine what having a baby would be like. But if he was going to have one, he'd decided, it might as well be with her.

When they went to sleep that night, he put his arms around her. He loved feeling the silk of her skin next to him. And he was amazed, when he ran his hands lightly over her belly, he could feel a small round bump. She had her back to him so she couldn't see his face, but Joe smiled as he drifted off to sleep.





21

JOE WAS IN THE ORIENT and California for most of February, and Kate flew out to meet him in L.A. at the end of the month. He was in great spirits when he arrived, the trip had gone well and he'd accomplished great things. And when he saw Kate, he was surprised to see she'd gained weight.

“You've gotten fat,” he teased.

“Thanks a lot.” She was happy to see him, and all was well. Kate still didn't tell Joe that the doctor thought it might be twins.

Joe had never seen her during any of her pregnancies, and he was uneasy at times being with her. He was always worried that she'd faint again, didn't feel well, or might get hurt. He was so anxious about making love with her, that Kate laughed at him.

“It's okay, Joe, I'm fine.” He didn't want her to drive, scolded her when she danced, and didn't think she should swim. “I'm not going to stay in bed for the next six months.”

“You will if I tell you to.” But in spite of his fears, they spent more time than usual making love. The trip to L.A. was like a honeymoon for them. In spite of the baby, or maybe because of it, he felt unusually close to her.