Maya Banks - Letting Go

“Turn around and thank the man who assisted me,” Dash said gently. “Give him your thanks and then return to me.”

“What do I do?” she whispered. “I mean what is expected of me? Am I supposed to p-pleasure him?”

“No, honey. Not at all. He was more than satisfied to take part in seeing you come apart and react so beautifully under the kiss of leather. I’ve said no man will have you but me, and that means your pleasure as well. He shared in yours, yes. But you will thank him and nothing else.”

She turned, still wobbly as Dash supported her. She glanced up at the man, taking in his features. He was older than Dash, perhaps ten years or so. There was just a hint of silver at his temples but he was very handsome. He smiled gently at her as she murmured her thank-you. He took her hand, lifting it to his lips to press a tender kiss to her skin.

“Dash is a very lucky man,” he said solemnly. “You’re a beautiful sight, Joss. There wasn’t a man in this room who wasn’t envying Dash with his every breath just now.”

She smiled. “Thank you. Thank you for your generosity. You brought me pleasure. You and Dash both. For that you have my thanks.”

“It’s I who owe you my thanks for allowing me to have a small part in something so beautiful,” he said gravely.

He nodded his head at Dash and then turned away, melting into the crowd that Joss had just noticed gathered around her and Dash.

Her cheeks warmed as she took in the fact that she and Dash had been the focus of the entire room. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch her and Dash. His mastery of her. Women stared, jealousy evident in their gazes that drifted meaningfully over Dash. They wanted him. They made no effort to disguise it. And the men. She sucked in her breath, surprised by the naked desire she saw reflected in their stares.

She glanced up at Dash, baffled by their reactions.

He smiled tenderly down at her, pulling her into his arms. “You’re beautiful, perfectly submissive and you react to the whip like a dream. What man wouldn’t look at you with lust in his eyes?”

“I only want you to look at me that way,” she whispered. “Take me home, Dash. I want to go home with you.”

He kissed her forehead and then reached for her discarded clothing. He helped her dress after wiping the remnants of his release from her skin. The clothing was uncomfortable against her still-burning flesh and she flinched when Dash zipped up her dress.

He kissed her shoulder and grazed his teeth up her neck.

“When we get home, I’ll take you out of your clothing and draw you a bath so you can have a nice long soak. And tomorrow you’ll wear nothing the entire day. I don’t want to cause you any discomfort.”

JOSS was at a booth at the Lux Café waiting for Chessy and Kylie to arrive. For once, she was the first to arrive, but she was anxious to see her friends. She’d shamelessly neglected them over the last few weeks and she felt guilty for not making the effort to see them more. Especially Kylie.

She’d heard reports from Dash about how Kylie was taking Jensen’s position in the company, and he’d said things were noticeably strained at the office but that Kylie was handling it. Whatever that meant. He’d only said that she was quiet but did her job without complaint.

Other than a few phone calls and exchanged e-mails or texts, she hadn’t seen her friends alone at all since their lunch in this same place the day she’d told them of her decision to go to The House.

How much had changed since then! She’d been so utterly wrapped up in her budding relationship with Dash that everything else had faded into the background.

She looked up when Chessy and Kylie came in together and she rose, hugging them both in turn before they sat down.

“I’m so glad to see you both,” Joss said sincerely. “I’ve missed you.”

Chessy’s eyes sparkled. “Uh-huh. You expect us to believe that when you’ve been wrapped up in that hunk of man of yours?”

Joss laughed but she studied Kylie carefully. It was obvious that she was indeed under an enormous amount of strain. There were dark smudges underneath Kylie’s eyes, which told Joss that her dreams were tormenting her again. Still.

Joss sighed, worried over her friend. She reached out to squeeze Kylie’s hand.

“How has work been? How is Jensen working out?”

Kylie made a face. “He bugs me.”

“How come?” Chessy asked curiously. “That man is divine to look at. So dark and brooding. He makes me shiver, and I have my own very possessive dominant man to go home to.”

Joss laughed again but sobered at Kylie’s haunted look.

“That’s just it. He’s so quiet and intense. He just looks at me. Stares. Like he’s trying to see into my mind or whatever. It bothers me, and what am I supposed to say? I can’t very well tell him to stop looking at me. He and Dash both would think I was crazy. Maybe I am,” she added with a shrug.

“You’ll be fine,” Joss said, still holding on to her hand. “He seems very nice and I’m sure you’ll warm up to him.”

Kylie didn’t look convinced. Instead she directed the conversation back at Joss.

“So how are things with you and Dash? I have to say, I’ve never seen the man so happy. He’s in a disgustingly good mood every day at work. And he all but races out the door every day between four thirty and five. I don’t think a complete meltdown in the business would force him to stay after hours.”

Chessy giggled. “He’s in looooove. It’s obvious. The man is a complete goner. ‘Stick a fork in him’ done.”

Joss’s cheeks colored as heat rose in her face.

“The question is, are you?” Chessy asked pointedly.

Joss sighed and then rubbed her face with her hands. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s bothered me because I think of Carson less and less. I used to think about him all the time, and now? I’ll go days without even bringing him to mind. Does that make me a terrible person?”

Chessy’s face wrinkled in sympathy. Even Kylie’s expression softened. Both women reached for one of Joss’s hands.

“No, honey, it doesn’t,” Chessy said gently. “You loved Carson and he loved you. But he’s gone. He’s been gone for three years. That’s more than enough time for you to grieve. It’s time to let go and move on with your life. With Dash if he’s who you choose. You have no reason to suffer guilt over not thinking about Carson as much now. It’s normal. You have a new love. Embrace it. Don’t hold back. You can’t live in the past forever.”

“I know I said some horrible things to you, Joss, and I hope you’ll forgive me. I want you to be happy. Truly, I do. As Chessy said, Carson is gone.”

Kylie’s voice broke and she visibly had to collect herself before she continued.

“Dash is a good man. The best. And it’s so obvious he cares deeply for you. If he is who makes you happy, then go for it. Don’t let what I or anyone else thinks hold you back.”

Tears burned Joss’s eyelids as she stared back at the sincerity in her friends’ gazes.

“Thank you,” she choked out. “It’s been weighing on me so heavily. I had dreams a few weeks ago. When things with Dash were just heating up. Right after I moved in with him. And in those dreams, I had the choice of whether to have Carson back or hold on to Dash. And I couldn’t decide,” she said, agony in her voice. “I felt terrible because I’d always dreamed of having Carson back. I would have done anything to make that happen. And yet in my dream, I didn’t take that chance. I hesitated because Dash was there and I didn’t want to lose him.”

“Fuck your dreams,” Chessy said crudely. “They fuck with your mind, and here’s the thing, Joss. You can’t have Carson back, so it was a stupid dream and just your guilt manifesting itself in that dream. Carson is gone. So whether you would choose to have him back is a moot point. You can’t have him back. You’ll never get him back. So what you have to decide is if you’re going to spend the rest of your life grieving for him or if you’re going to take control of your future and not let a man who adores you go.”

“Trust Chessy to open up the can of whoop-ass,” Kylie said in amusement. “But I agree with her here. Carson loved you, Joss. He adored you. There was never any question of that. And I don’t believe for one minute that he’d like what you’re doing to yourself. He’d want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. But you have to want it for yourself.”

Joss nodded. “I love you guys. I’m so glad to see y’all both. I swear I won’t be so absent from now on. You’re too important to me.”

“Bet your ass you won’t,” Chessy muttered. “I’ll come to Dash’s house and haul you out by the hair. I was close to doing just that when you called to invite us to lunch, so consider yourself warned, girlfriend. I won’t be as patient in the future.”

Joss and Kylie both burst into laughter. Joss’s heart lightened as she stared at the women she loved so much. She’d needed this. This time with them and their advice and support. She hadn’t realized just how much the whole situation with Carson and Dash had weighed on her until she’d voiced her issues.

They seemed silly now and maybe she’d needed her friends’ approval even as she cringed over the idea that she couldn’t simply own her choices and move forward. It wasn’t fair to Dash or herself.

“So when are you going to tell him you love him?” Chessy asked curiously.

The question startled Joss because she hadn’t fully admitted the depth of her feelings to herself, much less anyone else. But as she pondered Chessy’s question, she realized that she did. It was there. Maybe it had been there from the start.