Maya Banks - Letting Go

“Thank you,” she whispered. “It means a lot that you’d stick up for me the way you did.”

He put a finger underneath her chin, tipping it upward to meet his steady gaze. “Always, honey. I’ll never allow anyone to hurt you. Count on that.”

She smiled and then shooed him toward the kitchen.

“If y’all don’t get the meat on, we’ll never eat. We’re hungry!”

Laughing, Dash headed in Jensen’s direction, Tate following behind. After a moment the three men disappeared into the kitchen, and Joss heard the door to the patio open and then shut as they went out to tend the grill.

Noticing Kylie’s and Chessy’s wineglasses were nearly empty, she went to fetch a bottle and refilled theirs as well as hers.

She motioned for them to sit and get comfortable, knowing they had half an hour before the steaks were ready.

It was just like old times, only Carson wasn’t there. He was the only missing component, and now there was Jensen, filling that void. It would never be the same, and for the first time Joss felt optimistic about that fact. No, nothing would ever be the same, but it was certainly possible that it would be better.

AS if knowing how trying the evening had been for Joss and how emotionally fragile she was, Dash made love to her so tenderly that she was overcome. Afterward, he pulled her to him, binding their wrists as he’d done previously and then cradled her in his arms, her head pillowed on his shoulder.

She loved the intimacy of the act. Of being bound to him. It was more than just a physical binding. She felt connected to him on a much deeper level. One she welcomed and savored with her entire heart.

She fell into a deep sleep, contented and sated, and yet when her dreams came, they were disturbing. Carson was there, smiling at her, holding out his hand. Dash was on the other side, standing with his heart in his eyes. The voice inside her head told her to choose. That if she had the choice of having Carson back or remaining with Dash, which would she pick?

She frowned even in sleep, her forehead creasing in pain. How could she make such a choice? She’d always said she’d do anything to have Carson back. Anything at all. But now it wasn’t so simple. Now she had Dash.

She was caught in the middle of two men she cared about, each pulling her in a different direction. The dream didn’t make sense. She couldn’t have Carson back, so why was she being tormented with the choice?

And yet each man was demanding she decide. Carson’s smile faltered and sadness entered his eyes. His hand dropped, his shoulders sagging in defeat. But Dash didn’t look triumphant. He looked tortured, as though he’d do anything in the world to spare Joss the pain she faced.

Dash turned away from her, making her decision for her, but that wasn’t what she wanted. Still, she didn’t reach for Carson. She remained standing, frozen with the impossibility of the task before her.

How could she choose? Her past or her present? Her future? Carson was dead. She couldn’t—wouldn’t—betray Dash’s faith in her. Even in her dreams, she wouldn’t allow such a thing to happen.

Her heart in pieces, she watched helplessly as Carson turned, slowly fading away, becoming transparent, the look on his face slashing her open, leaving her bleeding on the inside.

“I’m sorry, Carson. I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

Tears slipped down her cheeks, warm against the coolness of her skin.

Dash watched her in the darkness, helplessness gripping him. She was fighting her demons even in sleep and he was powerless to do anything about it. Worse, she was crying for her dead husband, apologizing to him. For what? For cheating on him? For betraying his memory as Kylie had accused her of? Did Dash ever have a hope of winning her heart or would a dead man forever own it?

He silently untied the sash binding their wrists together and this time it was he who turned away, putting his back to Joss. And again, sleep eluded him. He lay there, fighting his own demons while Joss battled hers, just inches away and a world apart all at the same time.

JOSS awakened the next morning feeling emotionally wrung out from her troubled, upsetting dreams. She automatically reached for Dash, needing the comfort he offered, a shelter from the emotional turmoil of her dreams.

To her surprise not only was her wrist no longer bound to his, but he wasn’t in bed. She struggled to sit up, brushing back her hair so she could see. Across the room Dash stood in front of the dresser buttoning the sleeves to his dress shirt. His expression was solemn, as if he were deep in thought.

“Dash?”

His name came out shaky and soft, but he heard her and turned immediately, his expression indecipherable.

“I have to be in early this morning,” he said in a neutral tone. “There’s a lot to do before Jensen’s partnership is announced. I’m not sure how late I’ll be but I’ll call to let you know when I’m on my way home.”

Her brow furrowed. His mood was the same as it had been the previous morning when she hadn’t been able to discern what was bothering him. And it was evident that something was. She may be an open book when it came to her emotions, but Dash was similar in that she only had to look into his eyes to know if something was off. And for the second morning, he wasn’t his usual, loving self.

He didn’t even come to the bed to kiss her, and she felt too self-conscious to get out of bed to go to him. She was too afraid he’d reject her and so she remained where she was, studying him from underneath her lashes.

“Be careful,” she said quietly. “I’ll look forward to you coming home. Shall I cook dinner for us tonight?”

“Whatever you like,” he said indifferently. “We can eat out if you prefer.”

“I’ll cook,” she said firmly, wanting to do something to please him.

He nodded and then turned back, collecting his watch and wallet and car keys.

She waited for him to kiss her. For him to offer a sweet word. For him to tell her he’d miss her. Anything. Something. But he simply collected his belongings and strode toward the door, leaving her in bed, her lips parted in surprise.

She flopped back onto the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. What the hell was going on? What was with his Jekyll and Hyde act? It was exhausting trying to keep up with his mood swings. She’d been nothing but honest and open with him at every turn, and yet he was holding back from her.

Supposedly women were the moody, emotional creatures. According to men. But men were far more guilty of being volatile. Up and down. One minute he was sweet, tender and absolutely adoring. The next? Silent and brooding over God only knew what.

Maybe he just wasn’t a morning person. Admittedly, until recently, she had zero experience with him in the mornings. She’d never had cause to see him or interact with him in the early hours of the day. Her exposure to him had been limited to afternoons and evenings, and he’d been nothing but charming on those occasions.

Oh well, she’d have to have enough morning cheer for both of them apparently. She’s always been an early riser and what she considered a morning person. Carson had teased her about being disgustingly cheerful the moment she rose from bed.

Thoughts of Carson brought back the disturbing dreams from the night before. Her lips turned down into an unhappy frown. What did they mean? Dreams were inexplicable, a manifestation of the subconscious. Who the hell knew what they really meant? Maybe they meant nothing at all. Maybe it was just a battle between her past and present, colliding at night when her thoughts were unguarded.

At any rate, she wished they’d go away. Carson was gone. He wasn’t coming back. Last night’s dream had bothered her immensely. The heaviness followed her into the waking hours, weighing on her as she remembered the impossible choice she’d faced in the dream.

It was silly because she’d never face that choice. It was pointless to even dwell on it and think about which way she’d go because it was never going to happen. The choice had been made for her.

Would she choose Carson if she could have him back? Would she turn her back on Dash and everything he offered? She shook her head, refusing to go there. It would only lead to guilty feelings on her part because in her dream she hadn’t chosen him.

“Stop thinking about it, Joss. You’re only upsetting yourself and feeling unnecessary guilt. Carson would want you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever. Get over it and move on.”

She briefly wondered if she should see a doctor. Not a shrink. God, anything but that. But perhaps her doctor could give her something to make her sleep more soundly so she wasn’t tormented by dreams of her husband and her current lover.

Filing that away and making a mental note to place a call to her physician, she forced herself out of bed, wondering what she’d do the entire day while Dash was at work.

What had she done before she’d moved into his house?

More and more she considered going back to work as a nurse. She needed a purpose. Something to occupy her time so she wasn’t doing nothing day in, day out. Her CEUs were current. She had her license. She could go back to work at any time.

What would Dash think? He’d made it clear that he wanted her time to be his own, but he had to work. He couldn’t just drop everything to be with her twenty-four-seven, and she wouldn’t expect him to.

She didn’t necessarily want to go back to shift work, and it wasn’t probable that she’d score a day shift job, coming in as low man on the totem pole. Yes, the swing and night shift made more per hour, but she didn’t need the money. She was financially secure thanks to Carson. What she needed was something to occupy her time.