Maya Banks - Letting Go

She tried to initiate conversation several times, but his answers were short and distant, as though he had something on his mind. She replayed the night before over and over in her head, wondering if she’d done something to displease him. But he’d seemed perfectly content with the way things had played out. She hadn’t backed down from his challenge. She hadn’t used her safe word. She’d seen it out to the very end, regretful when it was over.

But why was he so distant?

She puzzled over it all through breakfast and when they were done eating, she took over, taking their plates into the kitchen without asking him. The truth was she wanted to get away for a few moments to ponder the change in his mood.

She stiffened when he walked into the kitchen behind her, and she turned from the sink where she’d stacked the plates to face him.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked bluntly.

She hated guessing games. She wasn’t someone who could hide her feelings well at all. And Dash would know that something was bothering her, even if it was him that was the problem.

He blinked in surprise and then his features eased and softened, the strain and tension gathered on his forehead relaxed.

“No, honey, why would you think that?”

“Because you haven’t said two words to me all morning,” she said. “I hate to sound nagging or to intrude if it’s none of my business, but it’s driving me crazy and I can’t think of what I could have done to displease you.”

His face softened even further and he closed the distance between them, gathering her in his arms and leaning her back against the sink.

“You did nothing to displease me. I was just pensive this morning. Nothing to do with you. Last night was wonderful, as were you, Joss. I’m sorry if I made you feel that you’d done something wrong. You were and are perfect.”

For the oddest reason, she felt like he wasn’t telling the truth, or at least the whole truth. She’d caught him watching her periodically through the morning as if he was trying to discern her thoughts. He should know by now she was an open book. There was no hiding it when she had something on her mind. It was either there to read in her eyes or she simply came out and addressed it.

It was one of the things Carson had loved most about her. No coy, passive-aggressive games. No pouting endlessly over some imagined slight. If something upset her, he knew about it. He never had to ask because she was too honest and up front, especially with people she cared about.

“Are you sure?” she asked quietly. “I’m still learning all of this and I don’t want to mess up, so if I do, you have to tell me, otherwise I’ll never know how to correct the mistake.”

He kissed her, hugging her tightly against him. “You did nothing wrong, Joss. And if you had, I have every confidence that it would have been done innocently. You’re too honest and straightforward about things. It’s one of the things I most admire about you. There’s no guessing with you because you tend to take the bull by the horns.”

She relaxed, some of her worry dissipating. “I’m sorry. I know I sound defensive, but this is very important to me. I need you to understand that. This isn’t a game to me. It isn’t me seeking out a relationship with just anyone. I chose you. Surely that has to mean something.”

“It means everything,” he said softly. “More than you can possibly know. What you don’t understand is that there are any number of men more than willing to give you the things you want. They’d spoil and pamper you endlessly. They’d lay the world at your feet. But I’m damn glad you chose me to be that man, even if I leaned on you pretty heavily.”

She smiled. “No matter how hard you leaned on me, if I didn’t want to do this with you, I wouldn’t have agreed. Carson taught me a lot about independence and standing on my own two feet. I’ll always be grateful to him for that. He taught me that I could be the person I am and I should never be willing to change who I am to please someone else. He was right. And it’s something I’ve tried to do and be in my everyday life.”

His features tightened again, his eyes going blank. Did he resent her talking about Carson? Was he defensive about the fact she’d been happily married to another man?

She understood, she supposed. It couldn’t be all that wonderful to have her previous lovers, never mind there had been only one, thrown in his face at every turn.

From now on she was going to be more careful about discussing Carson with him. But it was only natural and it would take her time to adjust to the sudden change in their relationship. He’d gone from friend and confidant to her lover in a matter of days. Before, she had no compunction about discussing her relationship with Carson, or even just Carson himself, with a man he’d called best friend. It was nice to be able to talk about Carson with someone who knew him almost as well she knew him. It enabled her to keep his memory alive and talk about the good times they’d always shared together.

“What are we going to do today?” she asked impulsively. “Have you called Tate, Chessy and Kylie to see if they can make dinner tonight? If so I’ll need to run into the store and pick up things for the meal I’m planning. City Market has steaks that are simply divine. I thought we could grill steaks and I’ll make all the fixings. Baked potatoes, salads, homemade rolls and a really yummy dessert.”

He lowered his mouth to her, kissing her with tenderness and care that he hadn’t demonstrated this morning until now.

“I think that sounds wonderful. Let me go make the phone call to Tate. Do you want to call Kylie or would you prefer me to call her and issue the invitation?”

“I’ll call her,” Joss said quietly. “But I’ll wait and let you explain when she arrives. I planned to tell her to get here at least thirty minutes from the others so you’d have time to discuss Jensen with her.”

“Sounds like a plan. You make your calls. I’ll make mine. Then I’ll run you to the grocery store to get everything we need.”

“I’ll need you to take care of the wine,” she said ruefully. “Carson despaired of me ever getting it right.”

She nearly bit her tongue in frustration. Just moments before she’d sworn that she’d stop bringing up Carson and inserting a wedge between her and Dash. No man would want to be constantly competing with another man, especially a dead man.

Joss waited for the expected surge of pain that always accompanied her speaking of Carson. But it wasn’t there this time. There was lingering sadness that she dealt with from time to time but mostly it had subsided. For the first time, she could see the grass on the other side of the fence, and it looked appealing from where she stood.

THOUGH hosting a dinner party was nothing new for Joss, she had a raging case of nerves because this was her first dinner acting as Dash’s host. And the attendees were all friends. There was no reason for her to be nervous, but she was. Because though her friends knew of her relationship with Dash, she hadn’t openly flaunted it in front of them.

She put the finishing touches on the salad and stuck the bowl in the fridge before popping the potatoes in the oven. The steaks were marinating, and Dash would throw them on the grill closer to the time to eat.

First, they would talk to Kylie, and Dash would tell her that Jensen was partnering with Dash. Joss dreaded the confrontation but knew it was better had here in private, in a place Kylie felt comfortable in, rather than Dash telling her in the office and springing it on her in a place where she couldn’t react honestly.

The doorbell rang and she hurried out of the kitchen, calling to Dash that she’d get it. She wanted to be the first to greet Kylie.

When she opened the door, Kylie smiled at her and Joss pulled her into a hug.

“I’d ask how you’re doing but your look says it all,” Kylie said wryly. “You look . . . happy, Joss. I’m glad.”

Joss impulsively squeezed her again. “Thanks. How are you doing? I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I feel like I haven’t seen or spoken to you in forever!”

“That’s because you wimped out on me and Chessy and e-mailed us,” Kylie said in a dry tone.

Joss laughed. “Yes, I did. I figured it would be easier to just e-mail you both and get it out. It would certainly take less time than a phone call because you both would grill me mercilessly.”

A grin tugged at the corners of Kylie’s mouth as they entered Dash’s living room. Kylie glanced around and when she saw no one she turned to Joss, lowering her voice.

“Is he good to you, Joss? You look happy but are you really?”

Joss smiled, letting her happiness show on her face as she looked at her friend. “He’s very good to me, Kylie. Things are better than I imagined they could be. I really am happy.”

Kylie reached out and squeezed her hand. “Then I’m happy for you. I know I didn’t seem that way in the beginning, and I’m sorry for that. I was just worried about you. I do want you to be happy, Joss. I hope you know that.”

“I do. I love you. Don’t ever forget that.”

Dash entered the living room and walked over to kiss Kylie’s cheek. “Glad you could make it, Kylie. Would you care for a drink? I have something I need to discuss with you before the others arrive.”

Kylie sent him an inquisitive look. “Wine will be fine. You choose. I’ll like whatever you offer.”

Dash poured glasses for both women and returned, holding them out to the two women.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Kylie asked curiously.