We hear the shells, sometimes see them when they fall on the roads, but that’s as close as we get to the action. We live vicariously through the stories we hear from the blessés. Sometimes I feel as if we’re hanging around outside the cinema, trying to piece together the flicker from the bits and pieces we overhear as the patrons come out of the theater.

That time I ran up the ridge to help that wounded brancardier, in full view of the Boches and their guns, the familiar prickles of danger and excitement grabbed me. I felt so alive. It was as if I were scrambling up the wall with those squirrels again. To be doing something instead of just waiting back and watching others do it. I tell you, it was so hard to go back to my usual work after getting out of the hospital.

Do you understand why I couldn’t tell this all to you, Sue? You would’ve wrapped those surprisingly strong arms of yours around me and not let go. Not that I would’ve minded too terribly being held captive by such a jailer, but, like I told you, I need to finish out my year. I have to accomplish something in my life. If I can’t stick it out for a whole year, then what can I stick out? You don’t want a man who can’t finish anything.

Speaking of the future, I can’t believe you got an apartment in Edinburgh! Only for the week, but still. You knew what it would mean to me. For a guy who’s been living out of an ambulance, to walk up and see those curtains at the windows, it was just like coming home.

I’m still tired, but I’d much rather be tired from an excess of lovemaking than from an excess of work. I didn’t want to waste a moment of my time with you on sleeping. That’s what the train journey back to London is for.

Despite my tiredness, I do feel like a new man. Clean, well fed, clothes washed and mended, warm new greatcoat. Body and spirit sated. You laughed at me, but I had to save up my “satiations”! I’ve gone so long without that I wanted to put in extra stock, the memories to be pulled out and savored as needed.

Even that one incident couldn’t spoil things for me. I know you were upset, Sue, but you did nothing wrong. He shouldn’t have said the things he did, but I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by them. I hope you’ve gotten past it.

On that note, I think I’ll end for now so I can close my eyes and pull out one of those aforementioned memories. What do you think—the one in the bathtub?

David

Somewhere between Edinburgh and Skye

22 September 1916


Davey,

I hate this! I hate having nothing but these snatched days with you! It is so hard to lose myself completely in them, because I can hear the ticktock down to your departure, like that blasted alarm clock in our Paris hotel.

And to have part of our precious holiday ruined by my brother. Oh, he makes me furious! He’s not been right since his discharge anyhow, but then add his problems with Kate and with Iain’s death. None of it is my fault, yet he heaped it all on me. I’m telling myself that he didn’t mean what he said, that they were words spoken only in anger, that I’ll get home and we’ll go walking on the shingle together to look for stones, the way we always did. But the way he spat at my feet, as if I were nothing, the way he looked when he walked away. I fear something broke in that instant, and I have no idea how to hold it together.

Not that I’m very good at mending broken things. But you, at least, I can do something about.

Davey, if only you knew what good you were doing, even far back from the front lines. How you’ve sacrificed so much time with me just to be there. If you knew the importance of your work, the way that you matter, you wouldn’t worry that you should be doing more. You wouldn’t envy those in No Man’s Land.

You don’t know how glad I am that you are far from the danger. You don’t know how glad I am to keep you safe and whole for another trip to Edinburgh. That first night, after you arrived, I lay awake next to you for the longest time, just watching. Your eyelashes fluttering, your inhales and exhales. I rested my fingers right on your bare chest, simply to feel your heartbeat and know that you were there. And, Davey, how I thanked God right then and there for bringing you back to me. I couldn’t bear to lose you too.

I could already see these doubts in you, in the way you brushed off what was going on in your section, in the way you shrugged when I said how lucky we were to be here together. And that’s why Finlay made me so angry, to stir up your doubts that way, to make you feel you were doing wrong by being here, with me.

Because, Davey, there’s no more important place for you to be. You’re my breath, my light, the one my heart flies towards. You said you worried you’d take away from what I had with Iain. That you didn’t want to compete with a memory. That you didn’t want to be less of a man than he was. But, Davey, he’s gone. And I’m not back in my cottage, missing him. All week I’ve been right there. With you.

Sue

21 Rue Raynouard, Paris, France

September 25, 1916


Sue,

Got back here to Paris and who do you suppose I found? Pliny, Harry, Riggles, Wart, and a few more of the guys all camped out at the headquarters here at Rue Raynouard. They came up the line only yesterday.

Just when I thought things were getting to be boring around here, opportunity presents itself. The French have asked for a section to go up to————near————. From what they tell us, it has been a bit of a hike for the brancardiers to maneuver the blessés by hand back to the poste de secour. Since the Boches took the nearby hill, the road to the poste is exposed and under fire. They want a fleet of fast ambulances to speed almost right up to the line and back. This route will go closer to the frontline trenches than any of the other routes. And it will have to be done at night.

Instead of sending Section One up there, they created a whole new section, with good ol’ Pliny promoted to command. They’re sending him some new recruits to fill the ranks, but Pliny is quite obstinate in insisting on the fastest, most foolhardy veterans he can find. They gave him leave to pick a handful of guys from Section One, and the rest will be assigned either from the other sections or from new recruits coming in. We’ve all heard stories and know what a tough sector it will be to work. You have to be fast and nimble.

Since yours truly is both fast and nimble (and, I suppose, foolhardy), Pliny asked me to transfer over to his section. Can you believe it, Sue? Not only does it sound like just the ticket for what’s been ailing me, but Harry and all of my old pals will be there. I think it will be bully!

The French must be planning a big push, as they want ambulances in place by a week from last year. We’re waiting for the rest of the section to arrive and for our brand-new Lizzies to be delivered. For now we’re resting up.

More later! David

21 Rue Raynouard, Paris, France

September 27, 1916


Dear Sue,

Just got your letter here, the one you wrote on the train. Don’t worry about your brother—it’s not like I haven’t had a shiner before. He was only being protective. You are his only sister, after all. I understand. What brother wouldn’t fly off the handle to see his sister with an American? You forget, we’re all outlaws and cowboys. I hope you got things sorted with him when you got back up to Skye. And you will. Siblings cannot stay angry forever. Especially not Finlay and you.

And, Sue, though I was disillusioned, trust that it wasn’t with you. Never in a million years. True, I was fed up with the Field Service and my inactivity behind the lines. And, true, things felt different on this trip, what with Iain being gone and all. So many of your recent letters have been about him. Understandably so. But it’s funny, isn’t it, that on this trip I felt him more between us than before.

Believe me, those disillusions vanished the moment I lay my head on your lap. I told you that seeing your name outside the apartment felt like coming home. And, Sue, that’s enough for me. To know that I’m doing something worthwhile here and that you’re waiting for me in Scotland. That’s all I need.

Well, after all of that worry about the new recruits, we’ve been sent the best of the bunch. Among others, we have Rex Redman, the stunt cyclist. Leo Nickles, a crackerjack pilot who was with the Escadrille. My personal favorite, Roy Jansson, race-car driver. I actually saw him race at Speedway Park in Chicago. Can you believe he got up to a speed of 100 miles per hour?

The men from the other sections have begun to trickle in. Anyone who has made a name for himself in his section has been recommended for what is already unofficially known as “Plinston’s Boys.” They’ve promised us one hot sector after another.

We should be moving out of here tomorrow or the next day, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to write again. Harry has a stack of letters for Minna, and I’ll try to slip my own envelope on the bottom of the stack.

David

October 4, 1916


Oh, Sue,


This is what I was born to do! You can’t imagine the exhilaration. Yes, I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked before and I am dog-tired at the end of the day, and, yes, I realize that my job is just duck soup compared to what those boys out in No Man’s Land are working at, but this is what I needed.