A. Walters - Lead Me Not

Gash leaned back in his chair and let out a loud laugh. He gripped his beer belly as though he feared splitting his gut. “Are you kidding me? A drug dealer with a conscience? Give me a break!” he wheezed between guffaws.

Fuck him!

I got to my feet. “Look, I’m not going to sell that shit. Find someone else,” I said, heading to the door.

“I’d rethink that if I were you,” Gash called out before I could leave.

I froze. His words were a threat.

“I know what you and Marco have been doing. You think I wouldn’t notice the door coming up short almost every single weekend? I’ve been in this game longer than you’ve been alive, X.”

I closed the door and sat back down. This asshole had me exactly where he wanted me.

“And I know you’ve got some sticky fingers when it comes to my drugs. But you’ve made the money, so I haven’t begrudged you your fix. As long as it doesn’t impact my business, I don’t have a problem. But don’t confuse my silence with ignorance. You have your uses, X. Just as Marco does. And you’re going to sell my shit. And you’re going to sell all of it.” Gash wasn’t open to an argument. He wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I was stuck.

I needed the money.

I needed my drugs.

I needed each of those things more than I needed my self-respect.

And Gash was the one pulling all my strings.

I picked up the freezer bags and put them in my book bag.

“How long do I have?” I asked, my acquiescence making Gash very pleased with himself.

“Two weeks. Not a day more. You get ten percent like always. Make it work, X,” he said, dismissing me.

I left his office, pounds of illegal drugs in my bag—and my soul up for grabs to the highest bidder.

“Please come over,” I found myself begging again. It had been days since I had seen Aubrey. She was making herself scarce. It was killing me.

The heroin sat like a lump of stone in my bedroom closet. The pills were quickly becoming not enough. The temptation to try just a little was getting harder and harder to ignore.

I needed Aubrey.

“I can’t, Maxx. I have a lot of work to do,” she said, making her millionth excuse of the week.

“Did you see the picture? The one I did outside your building?” I asked her. She hadn’t mentioned it. It drove me crazy that she hadn’t said a thing about my soul splattered in paint on her doorstep. I had really thought she’d get it. That she’d understand.

But it was like she didn’t give a fuck.

I heard her take a deep breath. “Yes, I saw it,” she said softly.

“Did you like it?” I needled, trying to get a reaction from her. Anything. I just needed something.

“It was beautiful, Maxx. They’re all beautiful. But . . .”

“But?” I asked, my words becoming hard. She didn’t like it. She hated it.

She hated me.

“It doesn’t change anything,” she said after a beat. And that hurt. A lot.

“Why don’t you want to see me?” I asked, loathing the sound of my own voice. My love for this woman made me high. But it also brought me so fucking low. And it was in the lows that I felt like I couldn’t drag my way out of the pit I found myself in.

I knew she had thought she could change me. She had gone into this relationship seeing me as a screwed-up addict who needed saving. And suddenly I couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t care about me for me but for the charity project she thought I was. And that pissed me off.

So I embraced the anger, because that was easier to handle than the fear that I was failing her completely. The idea that a girl like Aubrey could care about me, just as I was, felt almost blasphemous. Because she deserved better. And I was terrified the day had come when she had figured that out.

My hands were shaking and I was sweating. I felt the familiar sickness deep in my gut. I reached over to my bedside table and opened it, looking for the brown bottle I knew would be there.

“I do want to see you, Maxx,” Aubrey said, and I could hear the lie.

“Then come over, just for a little while,” I pleaded one last time.

I heard her sigh just as my hands closed around the bottle I was searching for. I shook it. It was empty.

Fuck me, it was empty.

I popped the top, thinking I must be imagining things, but there was nothing there.

I threw the bottle across the room. Aubrey was saying something on the other end of the phone, but I was no longer listening.

“Maxx?” she said when I didn’t say anything. I was too busy ransacking my room, looking for anything to take the edge off. I had to have a pill around here somewhere.

“I’ve got to go,” I said in a strangled whisper.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asked, sounding concerned.

Oh, so now she wanted to play worried girlfriend? If she cared so much, she’d be here beside me, helping me when I needed her.

She was the only thing that could help.

But she wouldn’t come. She was purposely staying away.

“That’s fine, Aubrey. Stay the fuck away. See if I care,” I barked petulantly. I know I sounded like an ass. But she was giving me no choice. I had to get off the phone. I had to stop thinking about her.

There was only one thing I could focus on right now.

Finding my drugs.

“Maxx, don’t be like this. I just need some time . . .”

“Take all the time you need. I’m over it,” I spat out, hanging up.

I dropped the phone onto the bed and crawled on my hands and knees to a pile of clothing on the floor. I destroyed my room in my search and couldn’t find anything.

“Ahhh!” I screamed, curling up into a ball. My body was racked with the shakes. I felt the bile building up in the back of my throat.

My phone was ringing. I knew who it was.

Aubrey.

I reached out my hand, trying to grab it. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I should have told her what was wrong. Then she’d be here to help me.

I needed her so badly.

The phone went silent and didn’t ring again.

She had given up. She wasn’t calling back.

I looked over at my closet, knowing what was inside.

Maybe just this once.

No. If I went down that road I’d never be able to come back.

Come on, you know you want to.

It was taunting me now. It knew how weak I was.

Just one tiny little bump. Not much at all. You’ll feel so much better.

Shit, I was hearing voices now.

I covered my ears with my hands, trying to block out the tempting voice ringing in my head.

“No!” I shouted, as though the bags of drugs hidden in the depths of my closet would hear me.

I uncurled my rigid body and dragged myself to my bed. Reaching up, I found my phone and brought it to my ear.

I wanted to call Aubrey. I needed to hear her voice. She’d get me through this. She was all I needed. She loved me. Her love was enough.

But instead, I called someone else.

The phone was ringing and then it connected.

One step closer to my salvation.

“Marco. I need you to bring me something.”

aubrey

i was trying to finish up my homework. I had spent every day of the last week trying to get caught up.

After the disastrous night at the club with Maxx and staying up all night, only to have him show up at five in the morning high, I had made a hard decision. I had stayed up for a long time after he had passed out. He had never said a word to me. Nothing. It had hurt so badly. And I had cried for a long time after that. I had been completely depressed.

Our relationship was a mess. It wasn’t getting any better. I was going to fall hard and fast with him to rock bottom.

I needed distance.

I hadn’t been able to face his bleary eyes the next morning, so I made sure to leave before he woke up.

But then he had called me later, and I recognized the panic in his voice. He was in major withdrawal.

He had begged me to come over, and I had. I had never been able to say no to him, even when it was the best thing for me.

He had his drugs, and I had mine.

And mine was Maxx Demelo.

When I had arrived at his apartment, he seemed better, and I knew instantly he had used before I had gotten there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I want to smack the shit out of him for not caring enough about himself to stop.

But then he touched me, and even though I wanted to push him away, I didn’t. I couldn’t. My body craved him.

So I had let him take off my clothes and throw me on the couch, where he devoured me whole.

And while he thrust into me, my body wrapped around him, my heart began to break.

He was stuck in an endless cycle, and I was stuck in it with him.

This was going to ruin me.

This wasn’t a story with a happy ending. Maxx and I weren’t going to live that perfect life with the white picket fence.

The only life we could have together was ugly and messy and destructive.

And I knew without a doubt that it would kill us both.

I couldn’t save him.

There was no changing the path he was on. He wouldn’t let me. There were forces in his life that were more powerful than my love for him. The intensity of his feelings for me and mine for him just weren’t enough. I wasn’t sure they ever would be.

He was going over a very steep cliff, and if I didn’t back away, he’d take me with him.