“I thought we were friends.” He looked hurt by what she had said to him, and confused by everything she had told him. It was a lot to digest at one sitting.

“I thought so too,” she said quietly. “Maybe we weren't.”

“You did some wonderful things for me, Merrie. Not just for my business, for me. I was very upset when you went back to Steve. You know that.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “You had a right to be. I'm sorry I put you through that.”

“I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know how it would turn out. Neither did you. I actually thought it would work with you two. I'm surprised it didn't.”

“I missed you too much,” she smiled at him, honest with him. “I changed too much once I left New York. I did a lot of growing up here. Some of it thanks to you.”

“So I gather. Would it be inappropriate if I asked you what you're doing tomorrow night for dinner?”

“Not inappropriate,” she smiled, “but probably foolish. We've already been there. We've given it up. We've gotten over it. Why do it?”

“Because I want to talk to you.” He looked intense as he said it.

“Let's not do that. What would we talk about, Cal? Your hatred of commitment? The reasons why two people shouldn't trust each other, and can't count on each other? I don't want to talk about that. I've heard it. I got it. We've had our time. We've done it. We've both moved on. Let's leave it at that.” She looked determined as she said it.

“You're not giving me a chance here.”

She laughed softly. “I'm trying hard not to. I don't want you to confuse me.” She didn't want to start an affair with him again, and take the risk of hurting each other. She felt older, wiser, and far more cautious.

“Let me try at least,” he smiled at her, and she saw the man she had once fallen in love with. But she no longer wanted to see him. Steve was gone. And Cal was gone too. All she wanted to see in him was her CEO now. “I'll call you tomorrow,” he said firmly. And she told herself she wouldn't answer the phone, thanked him for dinner again, and left him on the sidewalk, while she walked upstairs to her apartment. He was still standing there when he saw her turn on the lights, and then got in his car and drove away, and she stood at her window, thinking about him. She wasn't going to dinner with him. There was no point. For her at least, it was over.

He called her the next day, as he said he would, and she told him she was busy that night, and had forgotten. And when the phone rang late that night, she didn't answer. She had nothing to say to him. And there was nothing she wanted to hear from him. She felt strangely peaceful as she let the phone ring.

And on Sunday morning, when she went out for a walk, she found him waiting outside, and she was startled.

“What are you doing here, Cal?” she asked, looking confused, and he laughed, looking somewhat sheepish.

“Waiting for you. Since you won't answer your phone or have dinner with me, you leave me no choice but to hang around like a juvenile delinquent.”

“You could have seen me at the office.”

“I don't want to discuss business with you, Merrie.”

“Why not? I'm good at it.”

“I know. We both are. But we're lousy at this other stuff. At least I am. I think you've gotten a little better at it, but you've had more practice. And I'm not as brave as you are. In fact, I've been scared to death for the last nine years … scared of everything you represented. Love, caring, sharing a life with someone, trusting, believing in them, being vulnerable. … I love you, Merrie. Come back to me. Teach me to do this.” He looked every bit as vulnerable as he said he wanted to be, and she wanted to reach out and hug him, but she didn't.

“How can I teach you anything, when I've made such a mess of my own life?” There were tears in her eyes as she said it.

“You haven't made a mess of it. You've done the right things. I think we were both scared. I thought I'd go crazy when you went back to Steve. I was like a madman in Europe.”

“I wasn't so terrific here,” she admitted. “I was pretty awful. Poor Steve. I made his life a living hell while he was here.”

“Is that why he left you?” Cal asked with interest.

“He left me because he was smart enough to figure out that we didn't love each other anymore. Not enough. And he was brave enough to do something about it. I wasn't. He did the right thing. It just took me a while to see it.”

“It's taken me a while to see how much you meant to me, Merrie … how much you still mean to me. … I still love you.”

“And then what? We hang around together for years, too afraid to hold a hand out to each other. I want more than that, Cal. I need it.”

“So do I. I'm holding a hand out to you now. Give me a chance … let's try it. We'll make it work this time. It wasn't so bad last time.”

“And then what? What if it does work?”

“Then we get married,” he said, and she stared at him, trying to absorb what he was saying to her. But he wasn't finished. “In fact,” he said, looking terrified but determined, “I want to marry you now.”

“Why?” She stood on the sidewalk, looking at him, wondering if he meant it.

“Because I love you, that's why. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?”

“I don't know, Cal. Is it?” There were tears in her eyes as he pulled her toward him and held her.

“I never stopped loving you. I tried hating you for a while, but it didn't work. I missed you so much I thought it would kill me.”

“Me too,” she said softly, wanting to believe in him, and afraid to do it.

“Marry me, Merrie … please….”

“What if it doesn't work?” she whispered. She had just watched fifteen years of her life go down the drain. It was hard to trust anything else now. But somewhere in her heart, she knew she had to. She had no choice, just as she hadn't from the beginning. She had been drawn to him by something so powerful, so real, so deep within them both, that neither of them could resist it.

“It will work, you know,” he said as he held her. “This is right for both of us, and we know it.” She nodded, and he pulled away just enough to smile at her and then kiss her. And as they walked away hand in hand, he was talking animatedly about their plans, and she was smiling.





Chapter 21

WHEN STEVE GOT off the plane in New York, he went to the agency to find the kind of work he was looking for. He had heard about it from a doctor he knew from med school. It was a small dingy place with a battered sign outside. And it looked as bad as the places where they sent their clients. They gave Steve a brochure, a long list of countries that they served, and a description of the kind of jobs they offered. It seemed like the right thing to him, and they told him it would take them several weeks to process his application. But he had nothing but time on his hands, and no pressure to go anywhere in a hurry. He thought of calling Harvey Lucas to say hello, but he wasn't ready to talk about Merrie yet, or the fiasco in California, so he decided not to.

He stayed with an old med school friend, and spent most of his time walking, and going to museums. It was the first time in years that he had some leisure time. He went to the beach, and saw all the latest movies. And he thought constantly about calling Anna. But he thought it best to leave that a closed chapter.

And at the end of June, the agency finally called him. They had processed his application, and had several jobs for him. They offered him Peru, Chile, Kentucky, and Botswana. And the jobs they described sounded uncomfortable, but intriguing. In the end, he opted for Kentucky. He no longer felt the need to flee from Meredith. And they told him to come back in four days to sign the papers. It would be a two-year commitment.

Knowing that he was going to leave again, he decided to call Harvey Lucas. And after he did, he decided to drop in on Anna. He wanted to say goodbye to her, and to tell her that he was sorry he had been so hard on her when he left for California. He had no intention of trying to start something up with her again, he knew he had no right to do that. He just wanted to make sure she was all right, and maybe see Felicia. He had missed her. He had missed them both, and he hated the fact that he had never said good-bye to Felicia. It was the wrong way to leave a child, he knew, to simply disappear out of her life without farewell or explanation. And he felt even worse about the way he'd left her mother.

It was a warm, sunny day in June. The first big heat wave hadn't hit the city yet, and people looked happier than usual, and still in good humor. He called to see if she was in, and a baby-sitter said she'd be home from work by three. So he waited until five to drop in on her. He had decided by then that if he called her, she probably wouldn't agree to see him.

He took the bus up Broadway, and walked west on 102nd, until he reached the familiar building. And it looked slightly better in the summer sunshine, but not much. It was still an abysmal place, and he hated that she had to live there. But not nearly as much as she did.

He was about to ring the bell on the panel downstairs, when two young men in T-shirts and jeans approached him. They looked as though they were going to ask him a question. One of them said something to Steve, and he turned without hesitation toward them.

“Sorry, what did you say?” He was thinking about Anna, and had been away from New York just long enough to forget being cautious.

“I said, give me your wallet, asshole.” Steve stared at them for an instant, not sure whether to give it to them, or try and talk them out of it, and as he hesitated, the second man pulled a gun on him. And he saw that the first one had a switchblade.