Meredith was looking shocked by what he had just told her. “Two weeks?” Her voice cracked as she said it. But she also knew that it was now or never. They both did. And for the same reasons, although neither of them knew what the other was up to.

“There's no point waiting, Merrie. The hospital here will take me then. Harvey will be okay without me. I think if we're going to do it at all, we'd better do it now. We'll have been apart for nearly six months when I get here. That's a hell of a long time. Too long in my book.”

“I know,” she nodded. But all she could think of was Cal, and how she was going to tell him. And how much she would miss being with him.

“You don't look very happy, Merrie,” Steve said sadly. They had reached a hell of a rough spot in their marriage, and they both knew it. But he wanted to give it a try, before they blew it completely, and Meredith wasn't ready to let go of him either. “Think we can still make it?”

“I want to,” she said softly, and she did. She just didn't know if she could still do it. But she knew she had to try. Fifteen good years was too long to throw away, no matter how infatuated she was with Cal. She wondered if she'd have to quit when she told him. She had no way of gauging his reaction. And she realized she had to tell him now, before Steve gave notice. If she lost her job at Dow Tech, there was no point in Steve coming to California. She would go back to New York then.

“Let's do it, Merrie,” Steve said, and she nodded. She couldn't think of anything to say. She was overwhelmed with her own emotions.

They spent a quiet evening after that, talking about it, and he sensed something very different about her. She seemed so sad, and he sensed her sorrow and her loss, without understanding what it came from. Anna had told him a while back that she thought Meredith was involved with someone else, but Steve had told her, and believed, that it was unlikely. And he still believed that.

They didn't make love to celebrate. It didn't feel like a celebration to either of them, but it was an important decision. He went to the hospital in the city on Saturday, and when he left, she called Cal.

“I have to see you,” she said and wouldn't explain. She met him at his house ten minutes later.

“What's wrong?” He looked worried, with good reason. And she was quick and to the point when she told him.

“Steve's moving out in two weeks. He took a job at a small hospital, in an emergency room. He thinks that if he doesn't come now, it'll all be over between us, and he's right. I don't even feel married to him now. I feel married to you, Cal. But I don't think that's what you want. And I'm not sure I do either. I have to try this one last time. And if it doesn't work out, we can talk about us later, if you still want to. But right now, I owe it to him to see what we've still got. I don't think there's much left, but we have a lot of history between us. You and I have two months, and a very uncertain future.We've always known that eventually this would happen,” she said sadly. He had said not a word as she explained it all to him, but he looked devastated. Even though he had known this would come, he wasn't prepared for it. He didn't argue with her, or offer to marry her, or tell her he loved her. He didn't want to confuse or pressure her. He sat there stone-faced. But the problem was, after barely two months, he didn't know what he wanted either. He wanted her, but he didn't know under what conditions. And commitment was a big issue, and not one he was willing to undertake based on seven weeks of passion. He had been there. He should have been relieved that she was forcing him to make that decision. And yet as he listened to her he felt as though his world had ended. In fact, his world with her had.

“What I need to know from you,” she went on, “is what happens to my job now. Do you want me to leave? I don't want him to quit and move out, and then find out I'm being fired. If you want me to go, I'll resign now, and I'll just tell him I've decided to go back to New York with him. Cal, what do you want?” She said it as gently as she could. Her job was the least of their problems at the moment, and not what really concerned them.

“I want you to stay here as my CFO,” he said simply, in a voice that was raw with emotion. “I don't want to lose you.” He didn't want to lose what he had with her either, but he knew he was in no position to say that, and she wasn't offering to stay with him. She had made her decision. She had told him right from the beginning that she wouldn't give up her marriage and however little he liked it, he knew he had to respect that.

“Are you sure, Cal?” she asked gently. “This is going to be hard for both of us. This isn't going to be easy if you want me to continue working for you.”

“When is he coming out?”

“On April first, in two weeks.”

“I want to spend most of the month in Europe anyway, looking into new products. That'll give us a chance to adjust, and you to figure out what you're doing. He may not last that long out here.” He didn't mean to, but he sounded hopeful.

“He's tougher than that. I think he'll try to make it work here.” What she didn't know was if they could still salvage their marriage. “It sounds awful to say it to you, but I love you, Cal. Maybe more than I love him right now. But I need to figure out what's real. My marriage, or whatever it is I have with you. I don't think either of us even knows what that is.” He didn't argue with her, but as he listened to her, he looked angry. Callan Dow didn't like losing, and what he had said to her in the past two months was true. He loved her. But he had also known that she was married, and they couldn't avoid reality forever. And he was not prepared to offer her permanence or marriage.

“I'll leave for Europe before he gets here. And I don't want you to leave Dow Tech, Meredith. Please know that.”

“Thank you,” she said and stood up. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn't reach out to him, or cling to him. She looked at him for a long moment and walked to the door, and then his voice stopped her.

“When is he leaving this time?”

“Tomorrow morning,” she said without turning around. She already had her hand on the door, and she felt a tug at her heart when he asked the question. She still wanted to be with him, but she knew she couldn't. Not now. Not anymore. Not until she knew what would happen with Steve. Maybe never.

“I'll call you,” he said, and her heart leaped again, in spite of everything she had told him. She wanted to let go while they still could. If they could. But at least, they had to try it.

“I don't think you should,” she said softly. And he said nothing, as she closed the door softly behind her.

Steve was waiting for her when she got home, and he looked strained, but he told her he had settled everything at the hospital in the city. And for the rest of the day, they made plans and talked. But they never made love during the entire weekend. This was more business than romance. And he left on Sunday morning. He had a lot to do in New York now. And when he was gone, Meredith sat grimly in the apartment. She had to find a place in the city for them to live now, and she didn't want to do that either. She didn't want to do any of it. She didn't want to leave Cal. Didn't want to live with Steve. Didn't want anything except what she'd had for the past two months, but she knew she had to give that up now. She was still sitting there, thinking about Cal, when the doorbell rang on Sunday afternoon.

It was Cal, and he just stood there and looked at her, and without a word, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He looked as unhappy as she did. He had wanted to hate her for what she'd said, and planned to do so, but he couldn't. He wanted her too badly. And without saying a word, he pulled her toward her bedroom, and she followed.

“We have two weeks, Merrie,” was all he said. It was a death knell for them, more than a promise. But they couldn't stop now. Not until they had to.

They spent the afternoon in bed, storing up what they would no longer have soon. Two weeks. And then it would be over.





Chapter 18

WHEN STEVE FLEW back to New York, he called the hospital to see if Anna was at work that day. The nurse in charge checked the schedule and said she was off till Tuesday. He didn't have to be at work himself until Monday at noon, so he went to her apartment on Monday morning to see her. Conveniently, Felicia was at school, and he found Anna alone when he rang her doorbell. He had called before to say he was coming over, and she sounded pleased to hear him.

But as soon as she saw his face that day, she knew that something was brewing. He looked more serious than usual, and he seemed quiet when he sat down on the couch, while she made him a cup of coffee.

“Should I ask how it was?” she asked quietly. “Or should I mind my own business?” She wasn't sure what had happened out there, but she could see in his eyes that something was different. And he hadn't called her all weekend. She also knew he was due back on Sunday night, and he hadn't come over.

“It was all right,” he said, and took the mug of coffee from her and set it down on the table. “It wasn't as bad as last time. We did a lot of talking.”

“Good talk or bad talk?” she asked, watching him, trying to read his face, but he looked guarded. Their affair had been going on for four weeks, and although she knew him well, she also knew that there were times when he was very private. Particularly about Meredith, and the situation in California. She didn't want to pry, but she wanted to help him.

“Good talk, I guess,” he answered her, and then he took a breath, and dove into the deep water. He knew it would be hard to do, but there was no point stalling. More than anything, in spite of what he had to say, he didn't want to hurt her. “Anna.” Just the way he said the word, made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She sensed more than she knew what was coming. “I'm moving out there.”