“I'm sorry.” She clung to him like a lost child as he held her. He had been her friend, her comfort, her mentor, and now he felt like a stranger to her.

“Don't be sorry, Merrie. Just let me hold you.” He did for a long time, and eventually she relaxed, but when he tried to make love to her, she was so stiff and miserable that she wondered if she was becoming frigid. With him, at least. It had been a different story with Cal since Hawaii. “Maybe surprising you like this wasn't such a great idea,” he said finally. He didn't want to force her to make love with him, but he couldn't stand not having her either. He got out of bed and walked around the room, and then he saw the gold watch she had left on the table. “What's that?” he asked casually, as he picked it up. It was heavy and looked expensive.

“My watch,” she said, watching him.

“I can see that. Where'd you get it?”

“Bulgari. It was a Christmas present from Cal.” There was no point lying about that too. She had to be honest about something.

“That's quite a gift,” he said, looking unhappy about it. “It must have cost him a pretty penny.”

“He's very generous with his employees,” she said coolly, as Steve turned to look at her, his eyes filled with pain and questions.

“Do I need to ask you if you're more than that to him?” he asked, and as their eyes met, she shook her head slowly. She didn't want him to know, and she wasn't going to tell him. She was sure now. It would have been easier to shoot him than to tell him. And she had neither the desire, nor the courage.

“No, you don't. The watch doesn't mean anything.” He nodded, and set it back down on the table. And Cal's name never came up again for the rest of the weekend.

They went out for pizza that night, and hung around the apartment the next day. He took her out for hamburgers on Saturday night, which was his idea of a Valentine's Day celebration. And finally, on Saturday night, she made love with him. It had none of their old spark and flame, and he knew something was wrong afterward when he held her.

“This lifestyle of ours isn't doing us any good,” he said quietly. “We're going to have to do something about it one of these days. Things are going downhill fast, aren't they?” It was more a statement than a question.

“I know. We just have to be patient,” she said softly.

“It's taking too big a toll on us,” he said, as he went to help himself to a beer. They had bought a six-pack that morning. But what he didn't know was that the toll had already been taken. “I'll call around again, when I get home, and see what I can drum up. This can't go on forever.” She nodded and said nothing in answer, and she lay awake for hours that night as he slept next to her. She was aching to call Cal, but she didn't dare. If Steve had woken up and heard her, it would have been a disaster.

They sat around and read the paper together the next day, and he looked at listings for houses in Pacific Heights. He was upset that she hadn't found one yet, but she told him she had been too busy.

“I guess we both have,” he said, and told her that they had to fly back and forth more. The awkwardness they'd experienced this time had truly upset him.

He didn't attempt to make love to her again. The night before hadn't been much of a success for either of them. She had been in tears by the time it was over. They had a late dinner at the airport before he left, and she stood watching his plane after he got on the red-eye. He had kissed her before he boarded, and she had held him tightly as they stood there. She felt as though she would lose him forever if he left again, and she wanted to beg him to stay, but the words wouldn't come, and she knew he couldn't stay anyway. He had to go back to New York and his job there.

As the plane headed toward the runway, she turned and walked away, and she cried all the way back to her apartment. It had been a ghastly weekend. And when the phone rang, when she got home, she thought it was Cal, and picked it up. But it was Steve from the plane.

“Just remember one thing, Merrie,” he said.

“What's that?” The words had a familiar echo to them.

“How much I love you.” It was exactly what Cal had said the last time she talked to him on Friday.

“I love you too,” she said in a choked voice. “I'm sorry it was such a lousy weekend.” She owed him so much more than that, but it had all been too much for her, and she didn't know what she was going to do about Cal now.

“It wasn't that bad. It takes a little readjusting when we get back together. I'll try and come back in two weeks, if I can. And why don't you try and come home next weekend? We'll get back on track, sweetheart. And if I don't find a job soon, I'll come out and drive a cab if I have to.”

“I wouldn't let you do that,” she said sadly.

“Let's see what happens when Lucas gets back. That's only two more weeks. Maybe I'll just pack up and come out there.” The words sounded like a death knell to her. She would either have to face the music with him, or end it with Cal, and the prospect of doing either was terrifying.

“I love you, Steve,” she said, and meant it this time. She was utterly miserable, and more confused than she'd ever been. And what's more, she knew she deserved to be.

“I love you too, babe,” he said before he hung up. And she sat crying for a while, not sure what to do now.

The next call, an hour later, was from Cal. He sounded a mess, and confessed that it had been a nightmarish weekend for him. He had been going insane thinking about her. He didn't want to tell her how jealous he had been, imagining her in bed with Steve. All he wanted now was to see her.

“Can I come over?” he asked, and she wanted to tell him he couldn't, but she felt the same pull toward him she always did. It was driven more by chemistry than by reason.

“I'm a mess,” she warned. “This has been the worst weekend of my life.”

“Mine too. Let's try and get over it together.” She had no idea what she was going to do when she saw him again, or how she'd feel when she did. But the moment she opened the door to him, she knew. She fell into his arms and dissolved into sobs, clinging to him. And all he could do was kiss her and hold her, and within minutes they were in the bed she had shared with Steve the night before. But she couldn't even think of that now. All she wanted was Cal, as badly as he wanted her, and he took her with all the strength and power of the passion they shared, and they lay together in each other's arms, clinging to each other like two lost souls until morning.





Chapter 16

SO HOW WAS it?” Anna asked Steve on Monday morning when he got in. He had taken a cab from the airport to the hospital, and he looked tired and drawn and, as usual, his clothes were wrinkled.

“How was it?” He looked at her blankly for an instant. “It stank, if you want me to be honest. I don't know what's wrong, but I'd say just about everything is. She acted as though I were a stranger. And when she wasn't refusing to make love with me, she was crying. I had a really fantastic weekend. Thanks for asking.” He looked and sounded exhausted.

“Shit.” Anna looked sorry for him, and wondered if she had made the wrong suggestion when she told him to go out there and surprise her. “What do you think is happening with her?” Anna was intrigued by what he was describing.

“Honestly? I don't know. I think she's working too hard. And maybe she's just getting weird living alone. What do I know?”

There was a question on the tip of Anna's tongue, but she was afraid to ask him. She liked him too much to want to hurt him. But he could see that she had something on her mind, as he poured himself a styrofoam cup full of black coffee.

“What are you not saying to me?” They had come to know each other well in the two months they'd worked together.

“It's probably a really dumb question. I was going to ask if you think she's seeing someone. Maybe she's freaked out about it, and feels guilty.”

“Meredith?” He looked amused. “No way. We've never cheated on each other. I trust her completely. I think our being apart is turning her frigid and neurotic. It's a great combination.”

“Maybe she needs therapy,” Anna said practically.

“Maybe she needs me. And I'm stuck here, working my ass off, with no job to go to in California. It's a real shit situation.”

“No one said it was going to be easy.”

“Thank you, doctor, for the five-cent psychiatry. Now, tell me what happened here this weekend.” He looked grim as they sat down in his office and got down to business.

“Two brain surgeries, a compound fracture of a femur, three head-ons involving a total of thirteen people, and four shootings, two fatalities as a result, the others all went home the next day. And that's about it. Oh, and two sprained ankles.” She reeled them off like three BLTs and two salamis.

“Jesus, are you kidding?”

“Nope. We had a busy weekend. Sounds like more fun than yours though.”

“You're right on that score.” But he felt better that he was back at work now. In some ways, this was saner, and he understood it better. Here at least, he could make a difference.

Anna showed him the charts, and reviewed all her cases with him, and he was impressed by everything she'd done, and grateful for her shoulder to cry on about his lost weekend.

They worked together all afternoon, and did surgery together that night, and on Tuesday morning she went home to her daughter. He was going off duty that night, and the chief resident was taking over for him.

“Do you want to come by for macaroni and cheese and hot dogs?”

“Now there's a memorable combination. How about if I bring some steaks for you and Felicia?”