“What are you doing here?” she said, as though he were an intruder, and he looked at her with an odd expression, as he walked toward her with the flowers.

“I thought you'd be happy to see me,” he said, looking disappointed.

“I am.” She covered her tracks immediately, and moved toward him. “I just … I didn't expect … you said you were working this weekend.”

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, setting the flowers down on the coffee table. He put his arms around her then, and she prayed that he wouldn't sense any resistance. She hadn't seen him since things had changed with Cal, and she was desperately afraid that he might sense it. But she was sure he didn't when he kissed her. “Happy Valentine's Day, Merrie,” he said happily, pleased with what he'd accomplished. It had been obvious from her expression that she didn't expect him, and her mind was racing.

“What a great surprise!” she said valiantly, and he didn't tell her it had been Anna's suggestion.

“I figured it was easier for me to come out than to get you away from your work here. You'd better be free this weekend. I want to take you out to dinner tomorrow.” So did Cal, she thought almost the moment he said it. But that was impossible now. She had to spend Valentine's Day with her husband. As long as he had gone to the trouble to come out, she knew she had to spend every moment with him. And it seemed like something of a mixed blessing to her. “So what'll we do tonight?” he beamed at her. He knew what was at top of his list, but after that, he was thinking of taking her to dinner or a movie.

“I don't know. Why don't we just stay here?” She felt completely disoriented, and for some odd reason, she felt as though she were entertaining a stranger. Having slept with Cal, she felt as though her whole life was out of balance.

“I can cook if you want,” Steve offered, “or we can order a pizza.”

“Sure, sweetheart,” she said amiably, “whatever you want. You must be exhausted.” At least she hoped so, but he looked surprisingly refreshed, despite the time difference and the endless string of days he'd been working.

“I slept on the plane, I feel great actually.” He put his arms around her again then, “I've really missed you.” They hadn't seen each other in five weeks, and for three weeks she had allowed herself the delusion that he no longer existed. But he was all too real now.

“I've missed you too,” she lied, feeling flustered and awkward as she moved his flowers to the dining room table, and thanked him. But as he watched her, he didn't know why, but he sensed that something was different between them. Maybe it was the surprise, and she hadn't had time to absorb it.

“How was your week?” he asked casually.

“Okay.”

“It sounds like you've been working day and night since Hawaii.” He'd called her, but she had hardly ever answered, and she'd only spoken to him from the office, because Cal had been there every evening.

“I've been pretty busy,” she said vaguely.

“Why don't I take a shower, and we can relax for a while,” he said with a smile. She knew what that meant. Sometimes when they'd been apart for awhile, making love got them back on track and comfortable with each other again, but this time, at the thought of it, she felt panicked.

“I'd love that, but I've got one bit of bad news.” She actually blushed as she said it, for a variety of reasons.

“What's that?” He looked momentarily worried.

“It's the wrong time of the month for hot romance….” She tried to let him come to his own conclusions.

“You've got your period?” She nodded. It wasn't true, but she suddenly realized that she didn't want to deal with the physical aspects of her double life, and their complicated situation. She hadn't had time to prepare herself for what it would mean when she next saw him. “That's no big deal,” he smiled at her. “It never used to bother us when we were in college, did it?” She looked stunned and felt trapped when he said it. “If we're going to live on separate coasts, we're going to have to take what comes, if you'll pardon the pun, when we do see each other.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, as he disappeared into the bedroom to undress and take a shower. And when she heard the water running, she reached for the phone and dialed Cal. He answered on the second ring, and was happy to hear her voice.

“When are you coming over? I bought a couple of steaks, and a nice bottle of wine.”

“I can't come,” she said quickly.

“Why not? Is something wrong?” He could hear the strain in her voice, and although she didn't need to, she was almost speaking in a whisper.

“Steve is here. He surprised me.” There was a long pause, and a painful silence.

“I see … well, that's interesting. To what do we owe the pleasure … no, let me guess. He came out for Valentine's Day, for a little romance.” Cal sounded cynical to cover his hurt as he said it. But it was the price he had to pay for having an affair with a married woman.

“I guess so. I don't know, Cal.” Now she was lying to him too. The dream was slowly turning into a nightmare, but they had known it would. They had been kidding themselves for the past few weeks, but now the truth was staring them both in the face. The only one who didn't know what was happening was Steven. “I can't see you tomorrow,” she said sadly.

“Obviously.” And then he seemed to recover. “It's all right, Merrie. I understand.” They had put off having any discussion about their future because they realized that until Steve appeared they could live the fantasy. But now he was here and they had to face the truth and all its implications. “We'll have dinner next week and talk about it. I'll see you on Monday. I assume he's going back Sunday night on the red-eye.” In spite of himself, he sounded hopeful.

“He hasn't said yet.” The water had stopped running and she knew she had to get off. The entire situation was making her extremely nervous. “I'll call you when I can.”

“Don't worry about it. I'll spend a quiet weekend with the kids. Just remember one thing.”

“What's that?” she whispered.

“I love you.” As she listened, she realized that he was more than she deserved. They both were. She felt guilty about both of them. They were good men, and she loved them. But giving each of them half of her heart was less than either of them deserved and it was driving her crazy.

“Me too,” she said as Steve wandered into the living room wrapped in a towel, still dripping water. “Have a nice weekend,” she said and hung up, as Steve looked at her with a smile.

“Who was that?”

“My secretary … Joan … I needed her to do some work this weekend.” The lies were endless, and Meredith hated herself for them. But there was no way she could be honest with him. What was she supposed to say? That it was Cal, and that she had just told him she loved him?

“You all work too hard,” Steve announced as he walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He liked beer, and she had none. All she had was some white wine Cal had left there. “You're out of beer,” Steve said, looked at the wine and raised an eyebrow. “You're drinking mighty expensive stuff these days. You never drink wine when you're alone,” he said, but it was more a question than an accusation.

“I had some people over. The Japanese people last weekend.”

“Too bad you didn't buy sake for them. I like that better. We can go buy some beer later.”

“I wasn't expecting you, so I didn't buy it.”

“No prob,” he said with a boyish grin. He seemed like a big kid now, compared to Cal's sophistication. It was odd to realize that she was more comfortable now with her lover than her husband. The last four months had not been kind to them. “Why don't we hop into bed for a while?” he suggested with a look of mischief, as he took her by the hand and pulled her into the bedroom. She was still wearing the navy blue suit she'd worn to work, with a gold necklace and a pair of pearl earrings. She looked businesslike and cool, and the last thing on her mind was sex or romance. But there was absolutely no way she could refuse him. She had already tried time of the month, and he hadn't bought it. And in the days before Cal, she would have been anxious to sleep with him after all the time they hadn't seen each other. They had always had an active sex life.

She took off her suit, draped it over a chair, kicked off her shoes, took off her jewelry, and pantyhose, and a minute later, she slipped into bed in her underwear, after a quick stop in the bathroom. She felt like one of those legendary brides who lock themselves in the bathroom and refuse to come out, but if she had done that, he would have thought she was crazy.

And for a minute, he just lay there and held her, but she could feel how much he wanted her, and suddenly all her feelings for him came rushing back, not in the form of passion, but of pity.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He knew her too well, and he was shocked to feel that she was shaking.

There were tears in her eyes when she answered. She had been so unfair to him. She had made a mess of everything, and she couldn't even tell him about it. It would only have hurt him. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say to him. What could she say? That she was having an affair and in love with another man? It would have been so cruel to tell him. “I don't know,” she struggled to explain, without actually saying anything too damning to him. “It's hard not seeing each other for so long, and then coming together like this … it feels strange, doesn't it?”

“Not to me,” he said in a gentle tone, his voice husky with desire for her, “but women are different.” Yes, she thought to herself, as Cal had once said of Charlotte, they are fundamentally dishonest. She hated herself for what she was doing to him. And she thought she was no better than Charlotte.