He invited her to dinner with the kids that weekend, but she said she had too much work to do. She spent the day in the office on Saturday, and on Sunday she went to look at more houses in the city, and this time he didn't offer to go with her. And when his kids asked where she was, he told them she was busy. They complained about not seeing her, but he realized it was just as well that he and Meredith backed off from each other a bit. They had ventured into dangerous waters for a little while, and luckily swam clear of them. It was better this way, he knew. But every time he looked at his briefcase over the weekend, he was startled to realize he missed her. He felt oddly close to her, closer than he had been to anyone in years.





Chapter 12

ANNA GONZALEZ HAD come to the trauma unit to work with Steve, but within two days of her arrival, Steve had realized that she was extremely independent. She knew what she had to do, and she had her own ideas. She took direction well from him, but she also had her own opinions. And by the time he came back from his week off with Meredith over the holidays, Anna had gained the respect of everyone she worked with. What's more, they liked her.

She filled him in on everything she'd done the morning he returned, and she had kept careful notes for him, and when he read them, he was astonished.

“You did all this?” he asked, with a look of wonder. She had had department meetings, reorganized a few things for the sake of efficiency. She had changed some schedules, and still managed to do surgery, and treat a staggering number of patients. “Don't you ever go home to your kid?” he teased.

“Not often,” she said somewhat sternly. In spite of the vague description he'd given Meredith, she was a pretty woman and looked younger than her age, but somehow when he was with her, he didn't notice. She didn't smile a lot, and she was intense about her work. There was something about her that said she was all business. But she was incredibly gentle and warm with their patients. She was clearly a woman of many facets.

She had started work before his holiday, but it was only as January droned on that he began to feel he knew her. She was tireless, and willing to work endless hours. She never seemed anxious to go home, although he knew she was devoted to her child, from things she said, and when he asked her why she was willing to work such long hours, and for so many days, she faced him squarely.

“Two reasons. I like what I do, and I need the money.”

“What do you do with your daughter when you're here?” There was something about her that intrigued him. There was something hard about her, or protected perhaps, she had a tough outer shell, and yet at the same time she was very gentle in many ways.

“I leave her at my neighbor's. They have five kids, and she's happy with them.”

“And what about you? Don't you need to go home once in a while? We all need to get out of here so we stay sane,” he said with a tired smile. He had been on duty himself at that point for four days.

“You don't seem to go home much either,” she answered. She had thick dark hair, and soft brown eyes that looked like chocolate.

“My wife lives in California,” he said by way of explanation.

“Are you divorced?” He shook his head. “Separated?” She was curious about him too. There were a lot of rumors about him. People said that he was a good guy, and he had an odd relationship with his wife, and she wasn't sure what that meant. So she asked him. Anna Gonzalez was never afraid to ask questions, and something in her eyes said that she expected answers. And the best way Steve could have described her was that she was harder than Meredith outside, and softer inside. She had a blunt, gruff way in working with him sometimes, and then she would say something kind that genuinely touched him. More than anything, she seemed very guarded. She was a woman who'd been hurt, and she wasn't about to let it happen again. She was a fighter, and a survivor.

“My wife and I are bicoastal,” he said, with a smile, and she laughed at his answer.

“Is that a sexual preference, doctor, or a diagnosis?”

“Both. It means I'm celibate ninety percent of the time, and I'm crazy about a woman who works in a city three thousand miles away from here, where I can't seem to find employment, but I'm looking. For a job. Not another woman.”

“It sounds complicated,” she commented, as they sat in his office, drinking coffee out of styrofoam cups. They had just finished a difficult abdominal surgery, and she had worked endlessly, and finally dislodged the bullet. Her nimble fingers, delicate techniques, and sheer stubbornness had saved the patient. Steve had been almost certain that he couldn't have done it himself.

“It is complicated,” he admitted, referring to his living arrangement with his wife. “We've only been doing this for four months now. She took a job in California in October, and the job I had lined up fell through last month, and I'm stuck here anyway because of Lucas.”

“That doesn't sound good.” Her eyes bore into his, and were full of questions. She thought he was a good surgeon, and an interesting person, although perhaps marginally eccentric. Sometimes he liked voicing opinions that shocked the nurses.

“It's not good,” he said. “She got a great job offer, and I encouraged her to take it. I got a job right away, for January, and then they flaked on me. Actually, it's the pits. But there's not much I can do about it for the moment. All I've been offered out there recently is a low man's slot in an ER that treats mostly hemorrhoids and sprained ankles, with the occasional case of hives, or asthma. Their log nearly put me to sleep.”

“You're spoiled here,” she said matter-of-factly. She was wearing the same scrubs he was, but even they couldn't conceal the fact that she had a great figure.

“Maybe. Maybe I don't need all these headaches anymore. Maybe I'm ready for something easy. It might be a relief.”

“I doubt it. It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into it. How can you go from this to something that won't challenge you?” She was practical about it. Anna Gonzalez was a no-nonsense kind of person. She'd had to be.

“Easy maybe. I don't want to lose my marriage.”

“If it's yours, you won't. If it isn't, nothing you can do will save it.”

“Do you charge extra for that kind of advice, doctor?” he teased, and she smiled.

“No, I give it for free, because I don't take that kind of advice myself.’’

“I hear you're divorced,” he said simply and she nodded.

‘‘ Very.’’

“What does that mean?”

“It means we hate each other, and I hope I never see the sonofabitch again. He walked out on me when I was eight months pregnant, because his parents gave him a trust fund to do it.”

“Oh that,” Steve tried to make light of what she'd said, but the look in her eyes said that she was deeply wounded.

“He's never seen his daughter.”

“From the sound of it, that could be lucky for her. No one needs a father like that, Anna,” he said gently.

“No. But everyone needs a father. He's always going to be a mystery to her, a fantasy, some kind of lost hero, because she doesn't know him.”

“Maybe she will someday. Maybe she'll find him.”

“Maybe. I don't think he'd see her. He was embarrassed because of me.” She still looked angry about it. He had given her a raw deal and she had never forgiven him for it.

“Then why did he marry you?”

“I was pregnant. He was noble. Then he was chicken.”

“Ah, the human race, and its charming foibles.”

“I guess.” It was easy to talk about real life in the middle of the night when you were suspended between two worlds, saving lives and helping people. The world outside, the world beyond their walls, seemed at times like it was on another planet. And all they had was this, and each other. It formed strange bonds between people. Like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean. But Steve was sad for her, she sounded hurt, and angry, and bitter, and disappointed. The only time her eyes lit up and she looked young again was when she talked about her daughter. Steve knew from Anna that her name was Felicia.

They were called away to another emergency then, and two days later after some time off, they were back together, working. It was the weekend. And at midnight, they were both starving and ordered pizza. She seemed happier than the last time they'd talked, he made her laugh with some bad jokes, and old stories about assorted weirdos they'd had in the trauma unit over the years.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked, as they wrestled with the mozzarella on the pizza, and she laughed at the question.

“Are you kidding? When? Does anyone who works here have a boyfriend? How do they manage that?”

“Some of the guys do,” Steve said casually, and she smiled in response. “None of the women.”

“What about you? Do you see other women?”

“Of course not.” He looked shocked. “I told you, I'm married.”

“Yeah, to a woman in another galaxy, far, far from here. I just wondered.” But she had heard that he was faithful, and liked him for it. She was pleased with his answer. More than a lover, she needed a friend.

“When does she come here?”

“Not often enough. She's coming this weekend.”

“That's nice. Do you have kids, Steve?”

“I'm not that lucky.”

“Why?” She had seen him with children in the trauma unit, and it was obvious that he liked them.

“She's always been too busy. I guess we both have. I can't really blame her. She thinks she doesn't want them.”

“If that's what she thinks, and that's what she says,” Anna said matter-of-factly, “then she doesn't. Believe her. Guys always think they can talk women into it, but they can't. And if they do, it's a huge mistake.”