“He kept asking what happened to the hood.”

“Did you tell him?” Hayden’s hands tightened on the steering wheel.

“I didn’t have to. He already seemed to know,” I said, keeping my tone neutral. I didn’t trust how calm he was. “It’s okay, Hayden. It’s fine. We’re fine.”

“No. It’s not.”

We stopped at a light and I could feel his eyes on me. He could always see right through my half-truths.

“What else did he say?”

I didn’t answer right away, concerned honesty would cause more harm.

“What did he say, Tenley? He must have said something; that cocksucker can’t resist stringing me up whenever he has the chance.”

“That you might have been with a drug dealer the night your parents died.”

“Why the fuck would he tell you that?”

Tonight had gone wrong on so many levels for both of us. “I don’t know, but I would never believe anything he said.”

“It’s true,” Hayden said flatly.

I sat there, stunned.

“I was with this guy named Damen, who ran a tattoo shop and dealt on the side. I didn’t know how extensive his side business was until later, after I went to work for him. He was the one who introduced me to coke, and to Sienna.”

“Oh, Hayden. I’m so sorry.” No wonder he was so reluctant to talk about his past, when there were so many painful pieces.

“You shouldn’t be. I’m the one who fucked up my own life.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I said, but I knew he still blamed himself for what happened all those years ago.

The rest of the drive home was tense. I asked him if he was okay a couple of times, but he didn’t respond.

When we pulled into his spot in the parking garage, he shut off the car, then just stared straight ahead with his hands on the wheel.

I put a hand on his forearm. “Should we go up?”

He nodded and scrubbed his face with his palms. His shoulders curved in and he folded forward, his forehead coming to rest on the steering wheel. I put my hand on his back, feeling the muscles expand as he took long, slow breaths, his control slipping. A choked noise escaped, sounding like a stifled sob.

“Hayden? It’s okay. We’re home now.”

I unfastened my seat belt, reaching over to do the same for him. Whatever had happened in that police car had rattled him.

His seat belt undone, I removed the keys from the ignition and got out of the car, then went around to open his door. I stroked his hair, but he didn’t move. He just murmured something I didn’t catch. I dropped down beside him, ignoring the cold cement against my stocking feet. He spoke again, repeating a phrase over and over.

“Oh, Hayden. No.” My nose grazed his cheek.

He lifted his head from the steering wheel. His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, but there were no tears. “I’m so fucked up,” he whispered. “I’m such a fuckup.”

“No, baby, that’s not true.” I placed my palm against his cheek.

“Yes, it is. Look what I did to you tonight. Look at you.” He skimmed a thumb under the hollow of my eye, then over my lip, brushing over the tender spot where his viper bites had cut in. “You’re so beautiful, and I’m ruining you.”

“You’re not ruining me. Why would you think that?”

“I wish I wasn’t so fucked up,” he said, as if I hadn’t spoken.

His vacant stare unnerved me. I’d never seen him like this. Hayden could get upset, he could get angry, but I didn’t know how to handle his falling apart like this. He’d always been the one to keep me together.

“Why don’t we go up and feed TK? She’ll have missed us today.” I wanted to get him out of the car. Also, it was the only thing I could think of that might pull him out of his downward spiral. He was like a parent when it came to her.

“Yeah. Okay.” He nodded robotically and let me help him out of the car.

The presents in the backseat could stay there until morning. I locked the car and led him to the elevator. He folded himself around me while we waited, burying his face in my hair. When the doors opened, I pulled him in and hit the button for the second floor. I felt no anxiety as we ascended, my concern fixed on Hayden. I unlocked the door to his place and led him inside. When I turned to lock the door behind us, he seemed to snap out of it a little.

“I ruined your coat,” he said hoarsely.

“What?” I looked over my shoulder, taking in the forlorn expression on his pale face.

“Your coat. I ruined it too.”

He helped me out of it and draped it over his arm. The soft cream fabric was smeared with dirt. The buckle in the middle of the back had black powder on it, which explained the scratches in the hood. I took it from him and hung it in the closet.

“Once it’s dry-cleaned it’ll be good as new.”

TK came bounding down the hall, her excited mews stopping only when she skidded into Hayden’s ankle and he scooped her up. She rubbed her nose on his chin. Then he walked down the hall with his shoes still on. On autopilot he fed TK, then stood in the kitchen staring at his feet in confusion. I guided him back to the front hall and knelt in front of him. With a little prompting he lifted one foot, then the other, as I removed his shoes and put them away.

“Why don’t I run a bath?” I suggested.

It took him a few seconds to answer. “For me?”

“For both of us.”

“Okay. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Then it’s good that I’m not going anywhere.”

I took his hand and he shuffled down the hall beside me, fingers wrapped tightly around mine. Hayden sat on the edge of the tub while I ran the water. I searched his cupboards for bath salts but came up empty-handed. His eyes stayed on my face as I loosened his tie and slipped it over his head. Next I unbuttoned his shirt, saving the cuff links until last. They were little sliver skulls.

“Cassie gave them to me a couple of years ago for my birthday,” he said, taking them from me to roll between his fingers.

My heart stuttered. “I don’t even know when that is.”

“You didn’t miss it while you were gone. It’s not until the end of May.”

“That’s good,” I said softly, pushing his shirt over his shoulders.

How we could be so close to each other but not know something so essential was beyond me. That was a question one usually asked on a first date. When he was fully undressed, I reached behind me and tugged down the zipper of my dress. Letting it fall to the floor, I stepped out of the puddle of fabric.

He exhaled and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me between his legs. He turned his face to the side, resting his cheek against my stomach, and hugged me tightly. “I wish we’d waited until I got you home.”

“We’re home now. You can have me if you want me.”

I could feel his hardness against my thigh but Hayden shook his head. “I just need to be close to you right now.”

“I need that, too, Hayden.”

I ran my hands across his shoulders in soothing, rhythmic circles. He looked up at me, his longing no longer reflective of desire but something deeper.

“This is so pretty,” he said, undoing my garter and rolling down the stocking. He kissed my hip and moved to the opposite side, repeating the action.

Undressing each other was inherently sensual. I wanted so much to lose myself in him after this long, difficult day. But Hayden needed more than that from me right now. I sensed it in the reverent way he touched me, in the unhurried way he removed each article of clothing.

“I like you in this. Better than I like you in black.”

“Why is that?”

He pulled at the loose garter, a half smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Because it reflects how I see you—feminine and delicate and pretty.”

I wanted to ask what else he saw in me, but became distracted when he reached behind me and freed the clasp of my bra. His eyes moved over my body in a way that felt more like worship than sex, and his fingers trailed between my breasts. His hand came to rest on my hips, his eyes shifting down from my face. His Adam’s apple bobbed with a heavy swallow and his tongue swept out, wetting his lip.

“You prefer me like this?” I glanced at the pile of pale discarded lace and satin, so different from some of the other lingerie I had.

“Naked? Always.”

He flashed a mischievous grin and threw one leg over the side of the tub, reaching over to turn off the tap. He lowered himself into the water and made room for me between his legs. I sat on the edge and dipped a toe in, testing the temperature. My feet were still half-frozen from having been shoeless for the past hour, and the heat was a relief.

Hayden’s arms came around my waist and he leaned back, taking me with him. I settled against his chest, submerged to my shoulders. The water level rose until it was perilously close to the rim of the tub, but Hayden didn’t seem to care.

My hair fanned out on the surface, darkening as it sank. Hayden gathered it up and pulled it over my shoulder. His lips met my skin, moving from my collarbone to my neck, pausing when he reached the spot just under my ear.

“I left a mark,” he whispered, his lips brushing over the sensitive skin.

“It’s okay. It’ll fade in a few days,” I said, worried about the remorse in his tone.

“I left a lot of them.” His chin came to rest on my shoulder.

“I don’t mind. None of them are permanent.”

“Not on the outside, anyway.” His hand drifted down my arm. “I wish things had gone differently tonight.”

“I’m sorry I lost it at Cassie’s.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, kitten. And I’m not talking about that. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do things you’re not comfortable with.”