Helena Hunting - Inked Armour

Driving away, I resolved to do the one thing I’d avoided since my return. I stopped at a greenhouse and picked up poinsettias. They wouldn’t last long in this weather, but I wanted to leave something beautiful behind. As I pulled into Hillside Cemetery, I felt a pang of guilt for not having done this sooner. The memorial service had been horrible, not healing, which contributed to my avoiding the cemetery.

Trying to understand why the crash had taken so much from me was pointless. I’d internalized that pain, allowing it to take over my life, but I couldn’t anymore. Not if I wanted to go back to Chicago, to Hayden. It had taken returning to Arden Hills for me to finally realize that the tragedy wasn’t a punishment for my transgressions.

At the cemetery, I visited everyone: the friends I’d lost, Connor’s parents, my own. I spent a long time at my mother’s grave, telling her about Chicago. I told her how much I hated my adviser and how I wasn’t sure if I could manage his unrealistic expectations, his ever-changing demands and his unwanted interest in me. I told her about my job at Serendipity and the friends I’d made; how much she would have liked them even though they were different. And I told her about the tattoo and the artist who’d changed my world, and that I wanted to be with him, despite being afraid.

Connor I saved for last. Soft flakes began to swirl around me as I set the white poinsettia beside his gravestone. I sank down on the grass, heedless of the cold damp.

He’d been stolen from life so early. I traced his name on the stone, followed by his dates of birth and death. He was a constant in my life; I’d grown up with him. The summer before I started college, things had changed between us. He looked at me differently. Treated me differently.

Dating had been a natural progression. In the beginning we kept it quiet. The secrecy of it had been part of the draw: the sneaking around, the frantic make-out sessions when we found ourselves alone. I liked the rebellion of it all, that he was older, that his attraction to me made him reckless, and that I wielded such power over him.

In the cold, quiet of the cemetery I mourned my old life, finally allowing myself to grieve Connor, our families, and our friends in a way I hadn’t before. The guilt and pain flowed out of me in streams of tears, yet there was a peace I’d never before felt. I would always love Connor, but he was gone. It was time to let go.

A few days, a week, just a little longer. Everyone told me she needed time. Her silence told me she needed time.

Fuck time.

Time went on and on. An endless cycle of sleep, wake, bear the agony, and repeat. I fucking hated time.

Tenley had been gone for three weeks. Every day without her was sensory deprivation, drawn out and torturous from beginning to end. The first week, I called her every day. Her phone always went to voice mail. She never called back. I stopped calling because it sucked to know I’d been discarded so easily.

Memories of her were everywhere: home, work, Serendipity. I couldn’t escape. So at least I understood why she came to Chicago in the first place: to get away from the ceaseless reminders. I couldn’t figure out what had compelled her to go back, though. She could run from me all she wanted, but returning to the place she’d fled from didn’t make much sense. Unless she was looking to shackle herself to the guilt again. It was easy to deny the possibility of a future when she let the past drag her down. I knew. I’d done that for years until Tenley came along.

There was a soft knock on the door to the tattoo room. Lisa was checking up on me again.

Inked Armor was closed, but for the past three weeks I’d spent most of my free time at the shop or Tenley’s empty apartment. Being alone in my condo was unbearable. At least in the shop I could pretend things weren’t so shitty. Hints of her presence still lurked like shadows, but not in the same way as at her apartment or my condo. It was depressing as hell. Regardless, I went to her apartment every day, if only to briefly check on her things. On the worst days, I stayed for hours and steeped myself in the pain of being there without her.

Lisa poked her head in the door. “Hey, I tried to call you.”

“Sorry, my phone must be off.”

I picked up a deep red pen and filled in some color on my sketch. It wasn’t the right shade. The design ruined, I filed it in the folder along with the others and grabbed another sheet of paper.

“Cassie’s expecting us in an hour. Why don’t you put that away and catch a ride with me and Jamie?”

“Yeah, about that. I don’t think I’m going to go.”

After I’d bailed on Thanksgiving, Cassie had taken to inviting the Inked Armor crew over on Sundays. Initially I refused because someone had to be at the shop. Then Lisa changed the hours so we weren’t open on Sundays. No one consulted me. Since Chris and Jamie were partners, and they both agreed, majority rule made it so. Lisa cited the slower pace of winter as a rationale when I fought her on the decision. I wasn’t stupid. Forced social interaction wasn’t going to work. Tenley was the only thing that would make things better, and she wasn’t talking to me—so I was fucked.

Lisa snagged the wheelie chair and sat down, rolling over to the opposite side of the desk. TK gave a groggy little mew at the disturbance. She got lonely being in my condo by herself, so when I came to the shop during off hours to get away from the nothingness, I brought her along. She came with me to check on Tenley’s apartment, too.

“You can’t miss dinner this time,” Lisa said.

“I want to finish this.”

I laid the new sheet of paper over the outline and began tracing the design again. Once I perfected the color scheme, I planned to persuade Chris to put it on my skin. I would have preferred Jamie to take on the piece because it was portrait, not tribal, but he’d already said no. So had Chris, but I could get him to change his mind. I didn’t have room left on my arms for it, unless I covered over an old tattoo. I was seriously considering doing that because I wanted the piece on display. The prospect of new ink made me feel better.

Lisa put her hand over mine. I pulled away, the physical contact unmanageable.

“Why don’t you take a break? The art will be here when you get back.”

“I’d rather not.” I could feel her eyes on me, assessing. I probably needed a shower and I definitely needed to shave, but that took effort.

“How long have you been here? Did you go home last night?”

“Yeah.” It was trueish.

“Did you sleep?”

“For a few hours.”

Ever since Tenley had left, sleep had been elusive. I clocked in three, maybe four hours before the nightmares began. Sometimes they were about my parents, but mostly they were about Tenley. In the most frequent one she was dressed in cream-colored satin, a small red spot marring the fabric between her breasts. The mark spread, turning the cream a brilliant shade of red. In the dream, I could never get to her. Stuck in a doorway, I watched helplessly as the life drained out of her. Eventually her skin turned the color the satin had been.

I could never go back to sleep. The nightmares were too vivid. After the first one I’d called Tenley’s cell in the middle of the night. I hadn’t left a message, but like a loser I called back several times just to hear her recorded voice.

“I think you should come,” Lisa pressed.

“I’m not very good company right now, and I don’t want to leave TK alone.” My foot bounced on the floor as I waited for Lisa to leave me alone.

“I know you miss her, but shutting everyone out isn’t going to help.”

I set the pencil down and closed my eyes. Lisa wasn’t going to let up. “I don’t feel up to going, so can you back off?”

Startled, TK dug her nails into my leg.

“Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” Lisa shot out of her chair and reached over the desk. She scooped TK out of my lap and started for the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I stood too fast and got an instant head rush, forcing me to sit back down.

“Going to Cassie’s. See you later.”

I tried again. This time I managed to stay on my feet despite the dizzy spell. “Give me TK.”

“No.”

“Give me my fucking kitten!” I shouted. It was completely irrational for me to be so upset. Lisa wasn’t going to run off with her, but rational and I hadn’t seen much of each other lately.

Lisa cradled TK gently against her chest, stroking her puffed-up fur. “Not until you agree to come to Cassie’s.”

“You’re going to blackmail me into going to dinner?”

“I get that it’s hard, Hayden, but what you’re doing right now isn’t going to bring her home. Cassie is worried sick about you. I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you. You’re not coping.”

“I’m coping just fine.”

“Really? Because last time I checked, isolation and lack of personal hygiene are two pretty good indicators that someone isn’t.”

“Can we not do this right now? It’s too hard. I just don’t know . . .” The anger seeped out of me, replaced with the consuming emptiness I’d felt since Tenley took off.

Lisa stepped away from the door. “Let’s go up to your place so you can shower; maybe even get rid of the hipster beard you’ve got going on. Then we’ll head to Cassie’s.”

I sighed, too tired to fight. “Fine.”

TK jumped out of Lisa’s arms and bounded over to me, weaving between my legs. When I lifted her up, she stretched and put her paws on my chest. Then she nudged my chin with the top of her head, as if she approved of the plan.