Cherise Sinclair - If only

She straightened her shoulders. Three easy steps. Graduate. Find a job. Move.

But I like Florida. She shook her head. No whining. Miami might be fun. Or better yet, New Orleans.

But she’d leave behind all her Shadowlands friends. When tears burned her eyes, she had to bite her lip to keep control.

I can do this. She could do anything. She’d survived losing her mother. Survived her father’s anger. Put herself through college and grad school. Being lonely… Well, she’d make new friends.

She was “fun.” No one had ever wanted more from her than silence and service or entertainment.

Not until the stupid Feds.

On Tuesday night, Kari was sitting on the living room floor facing her son, Zane. His little face scrunched up in a grin. And his eyes looked so much like Dan’s that she felt as if her body couldn’t possibly contain all the love.

Her husband sprawled in his favorite chair behind her. On the sofa to the right, Dan’s FBI friend was idly petting her German shepherd. In total doggy heaven, Prince leaned against the man’s long legs to show his approval.

As the men talked quietly, Kari dropped a napkin over a small black-and-white plastic animal. “Where is the cow, Zane? Where did it go?”

Zane looked around, then with an almost audible click, he got it. With a squeal of glee, he pulled the napkin off the toy.

“Oh, aren’t you smart? Aren’t you the smartest, most gorgeous boy in the whole world?” She lifted her black-haired baby and blew raspberries on his tummy. The cascade of baby laughter made her heart feel as if it had been tenderized.

Vance grinned down at them.

She didn’t smile back. The agent was definitely a handsome man. And charming, as well. But after hearing from Jessica that Sally had safeworded out of a scene and then quit the Shadowlands entirely, Kari wasn’t feeling very friendly toward him. Sally was an experienced submissive and as sweet as could be, even if she was—how had Master Marcus put it?—as full of mischief as a basket of kittens. So the two Federal agents must have done something awful.

Holding a beer on his stomach, Vance stretched his legs out. “Now, loyalty forces me to say that my three nephews, naturally, take top prizes for smartest and most adorable, but Zane is right up there in fourth place.”

Dan laughed, and as always, the sound of his voice stroked over Kari’s skin like a fuzzy blanket. He could always make her yearn for him. If only she had the same effect on him.

She set Zane in her lap and kissed his baby-soft cheek, feeling clumsy and overweight and…ugly. She looked down at her clothes. Dumpy and boring. But after having Zane, she’d been so exhausted, emotional, and—face it—depressed, that it had been an effort to keep moving, to care for the baby. Being attractive had been low on the list. Having sex, even lower.

Although her depression had finally wafted away like dark clouds after a storm, she still felt ugly. The weight she’d gained during her pregnancy hadn’t disappeared, her stomach was on the flabby side and had acquired a fine set of stretch marks.

Dan spent his days in a life-altering, dangerous world with beautiful, intelligent women. She spent her days babbling at a baby.

She knew he was tied up with work; she shouldn’t feel as if he was neglecting her. But…if she was more attractive or sexier, would he be home more?

“He looks like a miniature of you, Dan,” Vance said. “Nice job.”

“Kari did all the work,” Dan said. “I was just along for the ride.”

She managed to summon a sweet smile for him before stacking blocks so Zane could push them over. “I’m going to take Zane upstairs once your game starts. I don’t want him corrupted by all the swearing if some poor player misses a pitch.”

Dan snorted, then asked Vance, “Is Kouros joining us?”

“In a bit. He was tiling the kitchen backsplash and wanted to finish.”

“You two have your work cut out for you with that old house.”

Kari agreed silently. After the two agents had bought the place last February, she and Dan had visited. Dan had come right out and said it: “What a dump.” But maybe that was what they deserved.

“True enough,” Vance said. “But some days, I like having something to pound on.”

“Yeah,” Dan said under his breath. He’d understand, she knew. He wasn’t assigned to the FBI agents’ slave-trafficking project, but he kept informed and helped where he could.

Watching Kari restack the blocks, Dan frowned. “You look tired, sweetheart.”

“I’m fine.” To shift Dan’s attention away—and because she couldn’t be openly rude to her husband’s guest—she said to Vance, “I don’t know if you’d be interested, but did you know Sally quit the trainees? And the Shadowlands as well?” And you’re one of the jerks who drove her away.

“She quit?” Vance stared at her before turning to Dan. “Is she fucking kidding?”

“Nope. Z called last night. Today, I caught up to Sally at work and—”

“What work?”

“She’s interning in the station’s computer department—concentrating on fraud. Good at it too.”

Vance nodded. “She mentioned digital forensics. So what’d she say about quitting?”

“Some bullshit about being too busy with graduation. That she wasn’t planning to stay in the area.”

“Hell. We pushed her too far. Too fast.” Vance’s concerned expression softened Kari’s heart. Slightly. “We told Z afterward. Z should’ve been the one to work with her. Or someone who knew her better.”

“Maybe. But you two were the ones who saw her clearly enough to notice all those defenses. Seemed logical you should continue.” Dan took a long, slow drink of his beer. “Your questions shouldn’t have provoked such an extreme reaction.”

Kari frowned down at the blocks and guided Zane’s hand to stack a block of his own. She’d just sit here and see what explanations the Dom came up with.

VANCE SILENTLY WATCHED Dan’s wife play with her son. Maybe what Dan said was true. The guilt didn’t decrease any. All they’d wanted to do was help; instead, they’d made her problem worse.

He felt his jaw muscles grind his teeth together. The thought that they’d damaged that bright, spirited submissive so much that she’d fled the Shadowlands made him want to put his fist through the wall. True, he wanted only short-term relationships, but for the time during a scene, the submissive was his. And he—and Galen—had screwed up.

“I talked to Z after I spoke to her,” Dan said. “He’s feeling fucking guilty himself. Says he’ll hold off until after her commencement, but then they’ll have a long chat whether she likes it or not.”

Vance wasn’t sure he had that amount of patience. He and Galen had been the ones to screw up; he needed to make it right.

Or would seeing him just make everything worse for her?

Fuck.

Sally took a long, very hot shower, scrubbing and shampooing to erase the stench of violent death. What an absolutely crummy day.

First, Dan had shown up in her department and asked why she’d dropped her Shadowlands membership. Despite what she’d thought was a perfectly fine answer, his expression said he knew she was bullshitting. He’d never looked at her that way before, as if he didn’t trust her to tell the truth. Like he really was a cop and she was a criminal.

But too bad. He didn’t have any right to question her; she wasn’t a trainee anymore.

Next week after graduation, she’d still go see Kari. Their place was just a nice walk away, in the residential section. But she’d make really sure Dan wasn’t home.

Right after he’d left, the crime scene guys had asked for her help on scene at a homicide. The victim had an intricate computer setup that needed to be dismantled and taken back to the station. Honestly, when she’d first thought about getting into the field of digital forensics, she’d assumed the computers or drives or memory sticks would be delivered to her at the police station. Her plans hadn’t included working in a room where there were dead bodies. And blood. Everywhere.

Just the memory had her stomach doing an I’m-going-to-puke dance. After a few deep breaths, she dried off and pulled on her favorite dark red silky pajamas, then her fluffy blue robe. The ankle-length, shabby garment was her comfort garment, and she needed it this evening. Her tiny apartment seemed far too empty.

Then again, empty was better than sharing with a jerk. Kicking Frank out had been a most excellent decision.

I wish I had someone, though. Even a pet.

With an effort, she pushed away the memory of Vance’s arms around her, of Galen stroking her hair. Such assholes. They’d ruined the scene with stupid questions…and now they were ruining her evening by making her crave them. She scowled and tried to forget how they’d paid attention to…everything.

To her.

She shook herself. Get over it.

In the main room of her apartment, she hesitated. Normally, she’d jump into World of Warcraft and do some fighting. Vanquish evil. Assuming she didn’t get slaughtered, she’d return to real-time victorious. Having saved the town or whatever, she’d be a heroine, which was the best feeling in the world.

But not today. No blood. No death today.

Instead, she brewed a pot of chamomile tea and settled into a corner of the couch with her Kindle. On the screen saver was a boring picture of some author. Maybe she’d put a cute kitten there instead. And hack into the software and set up a routine so the kitten would meow at the device’s startup. A virtual pet would be better than no pet.