Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

I smile at him. “You’re welcome.” I expect him to let me go to get back up and keep rollerblading.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he is intently gazing into my eyes. My smile begins to fade as he moves his face closer to mine. My heart shudders in anticipation. Could it be…could he be…? He pauses an inch away from my face, his now half-closed eyes still fixed on mine. When his lips lightly touch mine, my eyelids flutter closed involuntarily. I am in a dream. I have to be. This can’t be happening.

But it is.

He pulls away, looking into my eyes to see if he should have done that. As if it was a gamble. Doesn’t he know how much I care? Can’t he tell I would do anything for him? I have been waiting for days, weeks, months for this very moment.

I put his worries to rest and kiss him back.

As soon as I do, he relaxes into it. His lips part mine so delicately I nearly melt into him. There is something more to this kiss but I am not sure what or why. I can just feel it, like a burning desire building up and pulsing through my veins. Without realizing it, I begin clutching his shirt to pull him closer. He must feel it too because he holds me tighter to his chest. With the hand clutching his shirt, I lightly tap him a couple times. He breaks the kiss and asks me breathlessly, “What?”

I wiggle out of his grasp and stand up. He looks at me curiously. I extend my hand to him to lift him up, then keep holding on to it as I roll us into the garage. Without saying anything, the two of us take off our rollerblades and run up the stairs to his bedroom. As soon as the door closes, his arms are around me and his lips are back on mine. I wrap my arms around his waist. A dancing sensation spreads through me as his fingers run through my semi-tangled hair. I hold him closer, his kisses filling me with a thrill I have never imagined possible. My lips drink him in and I savor the sheer pleasure of it. For one glorious moment, I feel as though we are alone in a sky of stars. Floating endlessly. Burning forever.

It is extraordinary.

Until a strange feeling overcomes me, causing me to wonder if I am only dreaming. Everything that happened this summer the second time around always came back to nearly the same thing that happened the first time. My mom is still mad at me for not pursuing what she wants me to. My dad and I still have not tried to spend time together. Kaitlin is just as distant as ever. My future is still an unmitigated disaster. And worst of all, Chevy’s dad still died. Does Chevy really care for me or is he just confused about his feelings after what just happened? What if this will end the same way everything else seems to be? How can I even know?

I loosen my grip on him and pull away.

He stares at me, concerned. “What’s wrong?”

I have no idea what to think. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. What was I thinking letting him kiss me? What was I thinking when I kissed him back?

Why did I let it go this far?

He reaches out and touches the side of my face. “Adrienne, what is it?”

“Nothing,” I say softly. “I just...I should probably, you know, head home.”

He blinks. “Head home? Already?”

I nod, walking backwards to his door. “Yeah, I need to help with dinner tonight and I don’t want to be late.”

“Oh.”

I know he doesn’t believe me. I know he knows something is off. I know what I am doing is not right.

But I leave him standing there wondering what it is.

Sitting on the floor next to my window, I stare out with my arms resting in the sill. There is a butterfly perched on a leaf of the oak tree right outside. I wonder what she is thinking. If she could read my mind she is probably wondering why I automatically assumed she was a she. It's easy to do that, view something in only one way, even though there can be another option.

The butterfly slowly unveils the back of its wings, and then closes them. It reminds me of the Butterfly Effect, then the Chaos Theory, and then Chevy. Could it be real? Could this simple act taken by this butterfly be creating pain for somebody else somewhere else in the world? And what of me? Could I somehow set one thing into chaos with the simple act of being here instead of at my father’s house? Am I doing anything to benefit the world around me by being here?

Maybe I just convinced myself otherwise out of a selfish purpose. Maybe being transferred back to June was just a practical joke. I haven't done anything to help anybody. It’s all back to where it was. I suppose that’s fine, but what of the chaos that could ensue? What is the point of this if all I'm doing is creating chaos in a different way?

A knock on my door snaps me back to reality. Lyndsay comes into my room and plunks herself down on my bed. “So,” she says, “Chevy just called me wondering if you were all right. He said he has been trying to get in touch with you but you haven't been answering your phone. I thought I'd give it a go myself, but you didn’t answer my call either.”

I reach down and pick up my phone. Five new missed calls—three from Chevy and two from Lyndsay. “Oh, sorry. I must have had my phone on silent.”

“For two days?” When I don’t answer, she continues, “Why aren’t you answering his calls? And don’t you even BS me with some lame excuse either. I know you inside and out and know when you are lying.”

I let out a little laugh. “Yeah, you do.”

“So,” she says, leaning back on her hands. “What’s going on?”

I hug my knees to my chest. “Something…happened on Monday.”

“When you were at Chevy’s house?” I nod but stay silent. She raises her eyebrows. “What happened?”

I bite my lip. I can’t hold it in any longer. So I blurt out, “He kissed me.”

Lyndsay’s jaw drops. “No...way…”

My lips tingle from the memory. “Yeah…”

“Does this mean…are you two…you are, aren’t you?” Her excitement trails off. “Wait. He kissed you…and you’re not answering his calls?” I shake my head. “What? Are you kidding me?”

“I can’t be with him.”

Her eyes bulge out. “What do you mean you can’t be with him? You have been in love with him ever since you met him. Why would you out of nowhere let it go?”

“It’s complicated.” I turn away from her piercing stare and look out the window.

“I don’t understand.”

“I couldn’t let it happen. He didn’t want me at graduation. He only thinks he wants me now.”

“But you didn’t talk to him at graduation,” she says matter-of-factly.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then how would you know?” Her confusion is apparent. Can you blame her? I'm not making any sense here. I need to tell her why. Holding all this in is too painful to bear alone. There is no way anyone would believe me.

But there is only one way to find out.

I tightly close my eyes, and say quietly, “That’s because I did the first time.”

“The first time?”

“Yes.” I turn to face her.

“I don’t understand what you're saying.” She shakes her head.

I put my fingers to my mouth. “I don’t know how to explain this. I’m afraid to.”

“Please just tell me what’s going on.”

I comb my hair back with my fingers, twisting it into a bun and letting it fall back down. “You're going to think I am crazy.”

“Hey,” she says gently, touching her hand to my knee. “Whatever you have to say, I will believe it.”

“Even if it is irrational or impossible?”

“Yes.”

I laugh. “Okay, maybe you are just as crazy then.”

“Please, it’s in the genes. You’re my best friend and we have known each other since we were babies. You have never lied to me before. What reason would I have to not believe you?” Lyndsay looks at me expectantly.

I start with the easiest way to make her grasp this. “You remember the movie Groundhog Day?”

“Yeah.”

“It happened to me. Only I didn’t relive just one day, I relived my entire summer.” My confession meets with silence. I sigh. “That’s why I am crazy.”

“Because you think you relived an entire summer?”

“No, I did relive it.”

“How?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea. One day, it’s August twenty-fifth, the next day it’s June second again.”

She lets this sink in for a moment. “So, you relived almost three months of your life?”

“Yeah, I did.”

She leans back, clearly astonished. “This is intense.”

“I know. I’m still wondering if it’s all just a dream.”

She asks, “Why June second?”

“Because that was the day everything changed.”

“What changed?”

Closing my eyes, I will the video from replaying in my mind. “I did something crazy and then acted out in a very non-Adrienne way. Remember on graduation day, when you asked me if I talked to Chevy?”

“Yes, you told me you didn’t.”

“That's because I did the first time.”

“What did he say?” I just look at her and she knows. “Oh.”

I sigh. “I was…upset. I ended up moving in with my dad for the summer. I pretended it was because I needed a break from all the nursing expectations of my mom. She wasn’t happy with me. I didn’t talk to anyone here, except you. You were the only one who understood. I did nothing there. I isolated myself.” I stop. “Not that you even remember any of it, but I am sorry I left.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I don’t remember so it doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe not…but then Chevy's dad died.”

The revelation becomes apparent in her eyes. “So you did know,” she whispers.