Ann Aguirre - I Want It That Way

Because what I said before about the telling of stories, his and hers, and the unspoken question about staying together? That’s the real choice. And it’s a battle, every single day, to make the center hold. When I chose this, I didn’t expect it to be easy. It’s a battle I’m determined to win, and the prize is Ty’s love.

A year after meeting him, I moved into the apartment downstairs.

If anyone had told me, before, that I’d weigh my options and decide to become a mom at twenty-two, I wouldn’t have believed them. Occasionally it sucks, especially when Sam wakes us early, but then he’s rolling around and I’m tickling him, and he’s smiling so damn bright. The other day he called me Momiya, and it made me so happy, I almost cried. Ty doesn’t look so tired anymore; he doesn’t even call himself a grumpy asshole these days. Because I’m here, shouldering half the weight.

It’s worth it because I’m part of their lives, every morning and every night, every Sunday afternoon in the park, pushing Sam on the swings. I make hot dog casserole, read Goodnight Moon and play trucks before bed, even when I have projects of my own. Because I’m one of two people in the world who makes Sam’s face light up like a sunbeam, and I cherish that, even when I’m exhausted. Even then.

Like Ty, I work full-time, taking classes at night. I’ll achieve my dreams. In time. My dad’s still out there, trying to beat the odds. So am I. Life is messy and unpredictable; sometimes it’s a punch in the gut, and sometimes it’s so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes. Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s work, sand in your shoes and a sick kid at five in the morning. Sometimes you meet your partner too soon, but love persuades you to leap, trusting that he’ll catch you. Life is real and it’s right now. Life is fireflies in your palm, gleaming gold, and then setting them free. In the best moments, life is fireworks. Sometimes life is having the rug pulled out from under you and the one you love helping you up. But most of all, life is what happens when you open the door and let beauty in, even if it doesn’t fit according to your plans.

And my life? Is the one I’ve built with Ty and Sam. Us, together? Yep. I want it that way.

* * * * *

I stood just inside my patio doors, head resting against the glass. Sam had been more wound up than usual tonight, excited about starting school, and it took six stories to get him to sleep. If I had any common sense, I’d haul my ass to the drafting table instead of going outside to torture myself with a gorgeous girl I couldn’t have.

Ignoring the voice of reason, I stepped outside and stared up at her balcony. Before, she’d said she was avoiding me, which explained all the nights I’d spent waiting that she never showed. Nadia had me so tangled up, it was nuts. I was thinking about going back inside when she joined me. From this angle, she reminded me of Juliet, forever out of Romeo’s reach, and I shut down the urge to quote Shakespeare. Her smile was so fucking bright that my breath hitched. While I struggled to be casual, she lowered a basket to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, catching it instinctively.

“My mom sent treats. I’m sharing them, so we’ll both have delicious things.”

Surprise and pleasure warred for the upper hand, and the latter won by KO. I smiled as I unloaded the basket, taking stock. “Let me heat some water. I could use a cup of tea.”

“Sure.”

Quickly I went inside and popped a mug in the microwave. I almost spilled it coming back out, like she’d disappear if left unattended for two minutes. Nadia made me feel so unsure of...everything. Until she crashed into my life, the routine never deviated. Now instinct had a hold of me, pushing me out of my comfort zone. I opened the sliding glass doors and carried my drink over to the wicker sofa, where I’d set the treats.

“Back.” I flopped down, angling my head so I could see her. The darkness made it impossible to discern her features, but it was enough to know she wanted to sit out here with me. God only knows why. This was such a bad idea, a conclusion she’d come to herself, if she knew how much of an asshole I really was.

“Cookie first,” she ordered.

Gingersnaps didn’t usually do it for me, but their sharp sweetness and the heat on my tongue made me wonder if this was how Nadia tasted. She does now. I licked the crumbs from my fingers, aching. Her legs were fucking incredible, and one long look from those sea-blue eyes, and I had a hard time remembering what the hell I meant to say. For a few seconds, I pictured kissing her hard, shoving her up against my bedroom door— Right. Cookies.

“Phenomenal,” I managed.

She didn’t seem to glean anything from my tone, thank God. The last thing I need is for her to decide I’m a perv.

“Gingersnaps are my favorite, though at Christmas she does a peppermint-and-white-chocolate cookie that’s a serious contender.”

“Sounds like you miss your family.”

That was a harmless observation, part of the getting to know you crap that used to come naturally. It had been so long since I cared about anything or anyone but Sam. Tunnel vision kept me going, eyes on the horizon, but sometimes it was so fucking lonely that I went to sleep wrapped around a pillow.

“Yeah.”

You used to be good at this. Be a normal person. Talk to her.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

She seemed pleased, happy about my interest. You have no clue, beautiful. It had been a while since I’d felt this snap of pure attraction.

“Nebraska, toward the South Dakota and Wyoming side, if that helps.”

“I’ve never met anyone from there.”

Mount Albion wasn’t a prestigious college, though its reputation wasn’t awful, either. There were a hundred other college towns like it in the Midwest. I never pictured myself being here this long. I’d always wanted to live in California, and I had a sister there who was always bugging me to visit. But traveling with Sam always sounded like too much trouble.

“I usually get ‘not in Nebraska anymore’ jokes, and then I have to decide if I’m going to remind them that’s Kansas or play along.”

“What do you usually do?” Her answer would reveal a glimpse of her personality, and I was more fascinated than I should be.

“Play along.”

So she’s on the sweet side, huh? That dovetailed with what I knew about her, particularly how good she was with Sam. Earlier, when she took his hand and led him away, my stomach knotted up. It was so fucking hard to watch him walk away, but she made it easier. Everything about Nadia promised, Don’t worry, you can trust me. Too bad I hadn’t just been burned by love; Diana had set me on fire and stomped on my ashes, and only now did it feel like life might be returning. When I could least afford such a beautiful distraction.

I realized she was waiting for me to answer. Duh, dumbfuck. That’s how conversation works. “You don’t like conflict, huh?”

“Not if it can be avoided. I’m not what you’d call pugnacious, no. But I like to think I don’t back off important issues. What about you?”

The question knocked me back a few figurative steps. Diana was always in the back of my head, reminding me how bad I’d screwed up. My shoulders locked, guilt and regret tightening around my neck like a noose. “No. I don’t. Even when I should.”

Nadia went quiet. She didn’t answer for so long that I thought for sure she’d picked up on my mood. Most people didn’t pay attention to the nuances. If I told them I was a grumpy asshole, they accepted it, and left me to wallow in my bad attitude.

But she didn’t ask what I meant; instead, her voice flowed over me like auditory expiation. “We all have things we’d do differently in hindsight.”

The tension flowed out with my next breath, leaving calm in its wake. I marveled at the sweetness of the feeling. “What is it about you?”

“Huh?”

For some reason, I blurted out the truth. “You make me...better. Calmer.”

Smooth.

“Like a sedative?” Amusement colored her reply.

God, her voice was sexy, low and husky, as if she hovered on the verge of confiding a dirty secret. That was part of why I couldn’t get enough of these stolen conversations, however unwise they might be.

I rushed to explain. “I didn’t mean it like that. Just...I’m worried pretty much all the time that I’m dropping the ball somewhere, about to face-plant, but when I come out here and hear your voice, everything backs off, like, ten steps. I can breathe again.”

Wow. Nadia went to my bloodstream like sodium pentothal, making me tell the unqualified truth. I hadn’t talked like this since...Diana. The comparison chilled my blood, even as I told myself, No big deal. It wasn’t normal for me to have no relationships whatsoever, and it was past time I made some new friends.

Equilibrium lasted only until Nadia murmured, “I’m glad you look forward to this as much as I do.” Sharp, searing desire flared to life, and I tried to smother it as she went on, “I wasn’t trying to intrude that first night.”

“I know. But the unit had been vacant for a while. So I guess I forgot I wasn’t alone anymore.” That came out way more intimate than I intended, and I ran in mental circles, trying to figure out how to retreat without sounding like a dipshit.

I’m dying here. I swear I had more game in high school.

But she answered lightly. Somehow, no matter what crazy shit I said, she made it okay. “Nope. You’re stuck with me now. By the way, we’re having a party tomorrow night, at least thirty people, and the way word gets around, it may be more like fifty. I hope it won’t be too loud for Sam to sleep.”