Ann Aguirre - I Want It That Way

“I want you to be happy, that’s all. I don’t care about college, except that it’s your dream to teach. Obviously, I want better for you than I had, but I can tell you’ve thought about Ty a lot and that you understand how it will be with him. If this boy will put the smile back on your face, you have my blessing.”

“He’s not a boy. He hasn’t been since Sam came along.”

My mom smiled. “Fair enough. But I’m forty-seven years old, and anyone under thirty seems like a baby to me. What are you going to do?”

“About college, tuition or Ty?” The tension eased out of me. Until this moment, I didn’t realize how much worry I was hauling around.

“All of the above.”

Pausing, I pondered my options then shook my head. “I’m not sure. I need to think. Right now I’m too emotional to work it out and be sure I’m making the right choice.”

“Keep me posted,” she said, smile widening. “You know, I like this Skype business. It’s harder for you to lie to me.”

“Impossible. Take care of Dad, okay?”

Her eyes were beautiful and serene. “I’ve been doing that for twenty-eight years. I’m not likely to stop, just because he needs me a little more.”

“Hug Rob and Dad for me.”

“Of course. Bye, honey.”

Stunned by the honesty I’d unleashed between us, I staggered to the bathroom to blow my nose. My eyes were so red, it looked like I was having an allergic reaction to my face. A few minutes later, Courtney brought some ice in, wrapped in a towel. I took it gratefully and balanced it on my nose, sighing as the coolness soothed the sting.

“Heavy family drama?” she asked.

“You have no idea.”

“I got a few pieces, here and there. Dad’s sick, you’re challenging the current world order and ready to march for gay rights?”

“Well, yes and yes, but there’s more.” Quietly, I filled her in.

“Wow,” she said. “I understand the conflict. It’s not like you can date Ty in the traditional sense. You have to accept both of them.”

“I am. I do.” Until that moment, I didn’t realize how complete the internal shift was, but as I spoke the words, I recognized their truth. “I’ve tried the bar scene. I tried meeting other guys, but when someone else touches me, it just makes me sad. I don’t want to drink until I barf. I don’t want the type of fun I’m supposed to be having. I just... I want Ty, that’s all.”

“It sounds like he was pretty adamant when you split, though.”

“He was.” The weight shifted from my chest for the first time in months. “But I think it’s because he’s trying to put me first. He talked about me ruining my life over him. But...Lauren? To the rest of the world, she’s a failure. She flunked out of college. Lost her scholarship. Now she’s back in Nebraska, living with her mom. How’s that not crashing and burning?”

Courtney nodded, like she wasn’t sure where I was going with that.

I went on, “But...she’s happy. For her, getting out of Michigan was a huge relief. And that’s how I feel right now. I don’t have to live on other people’s timetable anymore. I can do what I want, whatever makes me happy. That’s...freedom.”

She cocked a worried brow. “You’re not planning to ditch classes and stash pot in my underwear drawer, are you? Because that’s what drove me out of my last housing situation.”

I laughed. “Not even remotely. I still plan to graduate. I don’t know yet if I’ll take out loans to finish or drop to part-time. I have the summer to decide, though my instinct is to slow down. The idea of going into debt freaks me out.”

Courtney patted me on the back with a commiserating look. “I’m right there with you, but unfortunately, I’m already in hock to the man. Well. To my parents, which is worse than the government. What are you going to do about Ty?”

“What I’ve done almost since the first time I saw the guy,” I said softly.

“And that is?”

I offered a mysterious smile. In my head, I was Boadicea and no man could stand against me. “Love him so much, it hurts.”

For two days, I pondered my next move.

Then I went to see Mrs. Keller at Rainbow Academy. She glanced up from her paperwork, surprised to see me in early. We hadn’t changed my schedule to summer hours yet, so I was still working part-time. I’d discussed this decision with my mom and dad and they supported me. So I took a deep breath as she invited me to sit.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked.

“My circumstances have changed, due to some family issues. I was hoping you might be able to keep me on full-time in the fall since I’ll be enrolling in night class, instead, probably just one per semester for a while.”

She didn’t ask for more personal details, a fact for which I was grateful. “Do you have a preference as to classroom assignment? And are you interested in being a lead teacher?”

“Am I qualified?”

“Not to teach kindergarten, but for any of the other rooms, yes, between your experience here and your college credits.”

“Then yeah, I’d love for you to consider me as a lead.”

“I haven’t told anyone yet, but Mrs. Kimball is going on maternity leave in August, and I suspect she won’t be back. I’ve heard whispers that she’s planning to open an in-home day care when her baby’s a few months old.”

“She teaches three-year-olds, right?” Better than the twos, anyway.

The director nodded. “Are you interested in taking over for her in August?”

“Yes. I can also handle forty hours a week, as soon as you can increase my hours.”

“People are already asking for vacation time. I’ll need you to work more, probably starting in June. But you’ll be in Mrs. Trent’s room or floating until August.”

“Okay, I really appreciate it.”

Buoyed by that success, I went home in a good mood and Skyped with my parents to inform them. Loans would get me into a teaching position faster, but I’d rather go slow and pay my way bit by bit, as I could afford it. I still planned to reimburse them, someday, but like theirs, my situation had changed. Maybe I’d hopped off the fast track, but that wasn’t a bad thing.

It’s just life.

“Any change on the Ty front?” my mom asked.

“Not yet. I had to figure things out at work first.”

“I get it. You want to devote full attention to him when you go for it.” She sounded disturbingly invested in my relationship issues.

“I don’t know how I feel about your enthusiasm,” I said.

Wisely, my mom changed the subject. “Oh, by the way, Rob broke up with Avery. It happened a while ago, but I forgot to tell you—with everything else going on.”

“That’s good news,” I blurted.

“I’m with you there.”

“How’s Dad doing?”

“Coping. He doesn’t like his new limitations, but I’ll help him adapt. He’s definitely not cutting down the pine tree. Are you still coming home this summer?”

“Yeah, but I plan to fly, not drive.”

“Okay, honey. Just let us know when.”

Soon after, we disconnected the call. Angus was in Europe, and this time, he’d taken his boyfriend with him on his father’s dime. I had high hopes for him and Del. Max was still working at the garage, and Courtney had gone home for a few weeks, though she was still paying rent. With only Max and me around, the apartment felt really empty, but since I didn’t want witnesses for what came next, it was for the best.

Unless Ty’s schedule had changed, he’d be on his own this weekend. Two days left. So I hauled out my notebook and wrote the rest, everything that had happened since the breakup. Now the account was complete. Drained, I took a shower and then went to bed without dinner. Angus would’ve badgered me; Max came in too late to notice.

Friday evening, I came home from work and collected the Ty journal I’d created. Sucking in a sharp breath, I marched downstairs and left it outside his door in a bright red box with a bow on it. I wondered if he’d realize I was showing him my soul. Maybe he’d burn it for me or return it unread. But I didn’t think so.

At one in the morning, I heard his patio door open and for the first time, I went out. Like that first night, I saw him standing below, and my heart opened like a flower. In the moonlight, he was everything beautiful and broken; I loved him to madness. There were no brakes for me anymore, just an endless rush toward him. And I’d fall if he didn’t catch me.

“That was a terrible thing to read,” he said quietly, not looking up. “I’d just started getting over you.”

“Liar.” I said it with complete confidence.

He glanced up then, and I could tell it shocked him to find me smiling. Leaning forward, I lowered the basket down to him. In it, I’d placed a red heart cut out of construction paper. Childish, yes, but I enjoyed writing Nadia + Ty 4-ever, like I was twelve, and the world was never so complicated as trying to figure out whether he like liked me.

Ty plucked the heart out and cupped it in his hands, as if it was a butterfly that might soar away on the night wind. “Why this? Why now?”

“Can I come down? Will you let me in?”

He made a muffled sound, but his answer was clear. “You know I will.”

Steps light and sure, I dashed out of my apartment and down to his patio gate. I tapped lightly, waiting for him to open the door. In a few moments he did, and I was struck by how thin he was, not just lean, as if losing me had leeched the life from him.

“I thought I saw you in a bar,” I said. “But it wasn’t you. It was some other ginger devil.”

“Did you take him home?” There were five paces between us, fireflies and the golden gleam of his solar lamps. His garden smelled of flowers and green things, delicately come to blossom in the warmth of the afternoon.