“You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.” I think about all the times she was alone and afraid and hurt, and I was the one who was fucking there. No one else was around. He had his own shit to deal with, so why the fuck do I get vilified and then praised whenever it’s convenient for him?

“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” He rubs his lips and grimaces. “How long, Ryke? Tell me that, how fucking long have you liked her more than just a friend, and let’s see if it’s all in my head?”

“I don’t know.” I do though. I always have. I just can’t stomach admitting it.

“I’m going to ask you again,” Lo says, his voice rattling with anger. “How long—”

“Stop,” I say forcefully.

He takes one step closer. “No, how long—”

“FOR YEARS!” I scream, veins protruding in my arms, my face reddening, unleashing this thing held captive inside of me. I step towards him. “Is that what you want to hear?! Years, Lo.”

He clenches his teeth so hard. “You’re lying?” He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted to be wrong.

“I’m not,” I say, hot tears burning my fucking eyes. “I have been so fucking attracted to that girl. And I never planned on doing a fucking thing about it. I never was going to try. And I tried…” I point at him. “I tried so fucking hard not thinking about her like that. It was wrong. I knew it was fucking wrong. I suppressed everything as much as I could.” But when she was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen—I was drawn to her in immeasurable fucking ways. The guilt was always there. I chose to ignore it.

“Then why not stay away from her?” Lo retorts. “Why not put a hundred fucking feet between you and Daisy? You flirted with her every day, Ryke. You became her friend.”

“I convinced myself that nothing would ever happen, so I thought it was okay to push further.”

“You’re a fucking idiot!” Lo yells at me.

I know.

“She was so hot that you couldn’t say no after she became legal—”

“No,” I cut him off before he continues. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it fucking like?!” Lo shouts.

And I explode. “I FUCKING LOVE HER!” I scream, my heart thrashing in my ribs.

His mouth falls, his brows furrowing in confusion the longer he scrutinizes my features. I feel like he’s clawing at my insides for answers.

Here they are. “I fell in fucking love with her. It hurt to be away from Daisy. It hurt to watch her with other guys. Everything fucking hurt, and I didn’t want to live with that pain anymore. I fucking couldn’t.” I inhale deeply. “I can’t tell you when it became unbearable, but it did.” Somewhere between Daisy eating a pomegranate in her kitchen and now.

He stares at me for a really long time, processing. “I know, more than anyone, how painful it is watching someone you love be with other people. But you can’t really love her—”

“I’ve known her for over two years,” I tell him. “I’ve spent so much fucking time with her, Lo. We’ve been through a lot together, so yes, I fell in love with her.”

Lo glances back at Daisy, and I follow his gaze. She’s crying in Lily’s shoulder while she hugs her close. My heart tears open again, and I have to restrain myself from walking over there and consoling her.

When I force my attention back to my brother, I realize he’s been studying me watching her. He doesn’t say anything, but I will.

“You can leave me here,” I say, “but I’ll find a way back. I can’t leave her, and I won’t leave you, no matter how hard you fucking push me out.” He needs me. He knows he needs me. And I want to be a part of his life. I don’t want to return to the lonely one I had built, with relationships as surface level as you can get, with people who meant nothing, with friends who’d sell me out.

“How much did it hurt?” he suddenly asks.

“Did what hurt?”

“Watching her with other guys.”

I choke at the flood of memories. “It felt like someone was drowning me in fucking salt water and lighting me on fire.”

His lips almost rise in a fraction of a fucking smile. “Same.” He takes a few deep breaths before he adds, “I need some time. But I’m not going to hit you again. So revel in that.”

“Thanks,” I say.

He nods a couple times and then says, “I wish you fell in love with another fucking girl.”

At times like this, so do I. “I’m sorry. I really fucking am. For lying.”

He shrugs. “You didn’t want to get hit.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He nods again. “I’ll get over it. Just…give me fucking time.” He heads towards the girls, and I stay rooted to this place, so emotionally spent.

And then he pauses. Turns around and waits for me to join him.

It’s a peace offering.

I see it in his face, the way a shred of guilt flickers in his eyes, still accompanied by a swirling rage. It’s enough for me. I walk forward and join him. He starts moving again when I’m by his side.

Just like that.

The past and the present were spread bare in the dirt.

Now maybe we can move forward.

< 50 >

DAISY CALLOWAY

October 31st.

We were supposed to make it to Yosemite by the end of the month, but a storm rolled in. The rain thrashes against the tin roof of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant somewhere in Nevada. Our cell service has sucked in the desert, so I haven’t had the chance to talk to my parents about my relationship or the permanent damage done to my face.

I’ve been taking the days as they come. Kind of awkward.

No, mostly awkward.

I glance at Ryke next to me, faint bruises on his cheek and jaw. It looks much better than it did a few days ago. We’ve all kept to ourselves since the fight, and this is really the first time we’ve sat down as a group.

We’re all seated in a round booth, our clothes wet and hair damp from being caught in the flash storm. And tension pulls from each couple. Lily and Lo huddled on one end. Rose and Connor in the middle. Ryke and I—we’re across from his brother and my sister, in direct line of Lo’s sharpened cheekbones and narrowed eyes.

He hasn’t been malicious, so that’s nice. I can tell he’s trying to accept my relationship with his brother—but that doesn’t mean he won’t make comments.

Our six person dynamic has definitely changed.

Ryke’s arm is around my waist, and we’re so close that our legs meld together beneath the table.

“This is awkward,” Lo states the obvious after the waitress takes our drink orders. His eyes flicker to Ryke and then away every so often.

Rose squeezes her hair, water dripping off the brunette strands. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have punched your brother, Loren.”

Lo twirls a knife in his hand and points at the cardboard coffin hanging on the ceiling, part of the Halloween decorations. “Go back to bed.”

She opens her mouth, and Connor covers her lips with his hand. “It’s his birthday,” he reminds her. “Be nice.”

Her eyes flash cold. Connor drops his hand, and she stays quiet. For seven seconds. “Get over it, Loren. They’re fucking. His dick is going in her—” Connor is fast, his hand flying back over her mouth.

“Rose!” Lily says with wide eyes, her face red.

I ping-pong from wanting to laugh to wanting to stay quiet. I end up focusing on the napkin in front of me, trying and kind of failing to make a pumpkin shape.

Connor says to his wife, “I think we all understand the human anatomy involved with sex.”

I smile. “I don’t know,” I quip. “I’m lost on that last part.” I look up at Ryke. “Where does the guy’s dick go?”

He stares down at me with raised brows and dark eyes. I swear he smiles, or almost smiles. I’ll take it.

Lo groans and motions to the waitress. “We need some tequila shots.”

Ryke goes rigid, his attention off me and his arms suddenly on the table. “Lo, you can’t—”

“It’s my birthday—”

“I don’t give a fuck,” Ryke says like his brother got struck by lightning, frying his brain when we weren’t looking.

Lo cocks his head. “Let me finish.” The waitress comes back with a tray of shots before anyone can say anything more. She also brings out a plate of chicken tacos that Lo ordered in advance—his favorite. The tequila shots sit beside the basket of chips like a bomb. I look to Lily and Rose, wondering what we should do, but Lily is sunk in her seat, still red, and Rose is glaring at her husband for some reason.

This is weird.

Now it’s weird and awkward.

The waitress leaves, and Ryke says, “Explain.”

Lo motions to Rose, Lily, Connor, and me. “These four can still drink. Just because I’m sober doesn’t mean that I can’t handle the sight of alcohol. I know I’ve screwed up recently, but I don’t want to be reminded of it today. I want to prove to myself that I can be surrounded by this.” He gestures to the shots with his knife. “Now drink—not you.” He points his knife at Ryke. “But everyone else, take the shots. Celebrate my twenty-fourth year in this world. I’m sure I’ve impacted so many people for the better.” He flashes a dry smile.

Ryke processes this for a second before he nods. “Okay.”

“Love the speech,” I tell Lo, reaching out for the first shot to cut the tension. It does a little bit, but Lily and Rose stay put.

Rose and Connor are having some sort of staring contest.

“Stop reading each other’s minds,” Lo says. “It’s creepy.”

I lick the side of my hand. “It is Halloween.”

Ryke passes me the salt shaker, and I cross my legs underneath my butt, sitting up a little higher at the table. I put some salt on the wet part of my skin.