“I'll come back later.”

“No …Bill …” But he was already gone, hurrying down the hall, feeling a rock in his throat, the same rock that had lodged there when Leslie had told him she wasn't moving to California. It was all happening to him again, the loss, the pain, the grief, the loneliness …but this time he wasn't going to let it.

And in her hospital room, Adrian was looking distressed as Steven watched her. “Who was that anyway?” Steven asked irritably. He had been visibly annoyed by the interruption.

“A friend,” she said softly. She saw that Steven looked angry suddenly, but they both knew that he had no right to, and now he was looking down at her with a serious expression. He had been doing a lot of thinking since her phone call, and since seeing the baby.

“I owe you an apology,” he said somberly, as Adrian agonized silently over what Bill must be feeling. She hadn't expected Steven to come so soon, and when he had offered to, she was glad to get it over with, so she and Bill could get on with the business of living. She had promised herself she'd call him, but she had never expected this, or Bill to walk in on them. Suddenly everything was upside down, and she wasn't sure what to do with the crying baby. She rang for the nurse, who volunteered to take him to the nursery for a while, as Adrian turned to Steven with a look of anguish. “I'm sorry if I hurt you, Adrian.” And as he said it, she found herself remembering the night he had ignored her at Le Chardonnay when she was six months pregnant. “These last six months must have been very hard on you,” he said, barely describing what she'd been through. And without Bill to take care of her, she didn't know how she would have survived it. “But they've been hard on me too.” Adrian couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wasn't the one who had divorced him. And as she listened to him now she realized that she was still angry at him for what he'd done. Angry and hurt and she wasn't sure she would ever forgive him. “You challenged me in a way that rocked me to my very core, in a way, it was a complete betrayal.” He went on as Adrian stared at him. He was as selfish as ever. “But …for the sake of my son …our child … I think in time, I might be willing to forgive you.”

She stared at him with open eyes, unable to believe what she was hearing. He was willing to forgive her. “That's very kind of you,” she said quietly, “and I appreciate it very much.” She almost choked on the words. “But Steven, you're not the only person who was hurt. And I'm sorry if you felt betrayed. But you abandoned me when I was pregnant. You completely shut me out. You took all our furniture, kicked me out of our home, divorced me, and gave up your rights to our baby. You wouldn't even speak to me when I called you.” It was quite a list, but he seemed unimpressed as he continued.

“Be that as it may.” He ignored everything she had just said. “I think for the child's sake, we should go back together.”

“Are you serious?” She stared at him almost in horror. This was not what she had planned, no matter how fair she wanted to be to him. And he was even more insensitive than he had been, and like everything else in his life, the baby was an ego trip for him, and now that he had seen it, that it was okay, and a son, he was suddenly willing to consider taking it on, after deserting them so completely. And this was the opportunity she had wanted to give him. But what she had expected, if anything, on his part, was genuine feeling for the baby. Not even anything for her, or if he did feel something, she would have expected some kind of tenderness and kindness. Some remorse, or regret, some vestige of decency and caring. But that was Bill she was thinking of, she suddenly realized. This man had none of that inside him.

“I don't think you understand,” she went on. “Steven, you gave everything up because you didn't give a damn about either of us. You deserted us. And the only reason why I called was on the off chance that you'd regret it. I wanted you to have a chance to see the baby. But you don't care about anyone. You have no feelings whatsoever about what you've done. The only one you care about is yourself, and you have the nerve to imagine yourself 'betrayed.' I'm not even convinced you care about the baby or ever could care. You're so wrapped up in yourself that you don't give a damn about me, or him. And I think you're impressed that you have a 'son but that's it. Who is he to you? What does he mean? What are you prepared to give him?” It was an important question, and Steven looked more than ever annoyed to be questioned.

“Shelter, food, an education, toys …” He couldn't think of anything else and she shook her head. He hadn't made the grade. He never would. And now she knew that. It was what she had had to see, and now she was glad that she'd called him.

“You forgot something very important.”

Steven thought about it, but nothing came to mind. And he looked handsome, but he also looked empty.

“You forgot love. That means more than shelter, food, education, or anything. It means more than computers, tennis rackets, furniture, stereos, apartments, jobs. Love. It was the one thing I think you forgot entirely in our marriage. If you had loved me, you wouldn't have walked out on me and the baby.”

“I loved you …but you didn't love me. You broke a solemn promise to me never to have children.” And he meant it.

“I couldn't help it.” She had no regrets. “And I'm not sorry now.”

“You should be,” he said sorrowfully, “for the grief you caused me.”

“The grief I caused you?” Adrian stared at him amazed, as he got up and walked around the room, glancing at the huge bear Bill had left just inside the doorway.

“The truth is, you betrayed me,” he said again, “and if I'm willing to forgive you now, for the child's sake, you ought to be very grateful.” She couldn't believe her ears as she stared at him.

“Well, I'm not.” She looked at him and said bluntly. And then she asked him the most fearful question. “Steven, do you love the baby? I mean really love him? Do you want him more than anything …want to spend your life making his life better?”

He looked at her mutely for a long time. “I'm sure that I could learn to in time.” But she saw as she looked at him that something inside him had died long since and she had never known it.

“And if you feel threatened by us again, then what? You walk out? Or you sell the apartment? Or you just file for termination?” He had been cruel to her, and indirectly to his own child, and they both knew it, no matter what he said now about “betrayal.”

“I can't make you promises for the future. I can just say I'll try. But I think you owe it to me to come back and give it a try.” She owed it to him. How endearing. How tender.

“On what basis? Are you asking me to marry you again?” She wanted to clarify everything once and for all now. This was the confrontation she had longed for.

“No, I … I think we should try it. I think you should come back and try it for six months, for a year, while I see if …”

“If you like being a parent, is that it? And if you don't?”

“Then there's no harm done. The papers are already in place, we shake hands and wish each other well.” It sounded like a business agreement.

“And Sam?” He was already real to her, a special, precious person.

“In that case, he's yours.”

“How nice. And how do I explain it to him later on? You tried it out and didn't like him? No, you don't get to rent fatherhood, Steven, to try it on. You either do it or you don't, like marriage, like love, like real life. This is not one of your tennis games, where you get to sample different partners and pick the ones who play the worst, so you can massage your ego.” He looked furious at what she had just said, but it was all true, and he knew it.

“Then just exactly why did you call me? Wasn't that what you wanted from me? Or are you trying to find the best offer?” The new diamond ring on her finger hadn't gone unnoticed, nor had Bill with his many offerings abandoned in the doorway.

“I don't need your best offer anymore. But I wanted to be sure I gave you a last shot at your son, before you gave him away forever. I thought you deserved that. I thought there was always the off chance that you would regret it bitterly one day, and that you might fall in love with him when he was born. But you didn't. All you want is to try him out like a car on a rental plan, and you want me back to maintain him, because you're 'willing' to forgive me for my 'betrayal,' as you call it. But the betrayal is not mine, but yours, and the baby is mine now.” He looked nonplussed, and not overly distressed at what she had just said. She wondered if he might even be relieved. But whatever he was, he hadn't changed. She knew that for sure now.

“You can tell him I offered to take you back and you refused, since you're so concerned with what you're going to tell him later.”

“On a trial basis, Steven. That's nothing.” Suddenly, she realized that she was shouting, but she didn't care. It felt good to finally be shouting at him. “I want to love him unconditionally, through thick and thin, handsome or ugly, good moods or bad, in sickness and health, with every ounce of love I have to give him. That's what I want to give our baby.” There were tears in her eyes, and as she said the words, she realized that it was exactly what she wanted to give Bill, everything she had to give, forever.

“There is no such thing as unconditional love, except among fools,” he said cynically.

“That's what I am then.” It was what she had offered him once upon a time, and what he had walked out on.

“Good luck then.” He stood looking at her for a long moment, and any feeling they had once had seemed to have dissipated between them. And then, a little more gently, “I'm sorry things didn't work out, Adrian.” But he didn't really seem sorry to be giving up his baby. For a brief moment, he had been intrigued with him, fascinated, but the moment was already over. The moment the nurse had taken the baby from the room, Steven seemed to forget him.