“I think it was the kite and the beach and the bath, and the big dinner. I'm ready to fall asleep too,” she laughed, as he poured them each a glass of wine. It had been a wonderful day, and even a call from the director of the show hadn't upset him. There was a minor problem that was easily resolved by phone, and he was totally relaxed as he sat next to her on the couch and they chatted about his children.

“Did you always know you'd like kids?” she asked.

“Hell, no.” He laughed. “When I first heard Leslie was pregnant I was scared stiff'. I didn't know one end of a baby from the other.” She smiled at his answer. That's how Steven was, but he hadn't stood his ground to face it, he had run away, unlike Bill with Adam. She was still convinced that eventually he would have discovered it wasn't so bad … if he'd been willing to try …and he might still…. “You're good with kids, Adrian. You should have children one day. You'd be a wonderful mother.”

“How do you know that?” she asked worriedly. “What if I weren't?” It was something she had worried about a lot lately.

“How does anyone know? You do your best. You can't do more than that.”

“It's pretty scary.”

He nodded his agreement. “But so is anything in life. How did you know you'd be any good at working on the news, or going to college, or being married? You tried it. That's all you can do.”

“Yeah.” She smiled ruefully. “And I wasn't so great at that.”

“Bullshit, it sounds more to me like he blew it, you didn't. You didn't walk out on him. He did.”

“He had his reasons.”

“Probably. But at least you tried. You can't spend the rest of your life reproaching yourself or feeling guilty.”

“Don't you?” she asked honestly. “Don't you feel somewhat responsible for the failure of your marriage?”

“Yes.” He was equally honest. “But I know it wasn't entirely my fault. I worked too hard and I neglected my wife, but I loved her and I was a good husband, and I wouldn't have left her. So some of it is my fault, but not all of it. I don't feel nearly as responsible as I used to.”

“That's encouraging. I still feel so damn guilty.” She hesitated and then decided to tell him. “…And like such a failure.”

“You're not. You just have to tell yourself that it didn't work. The next time it will be better,” he said confidently, and this time she laughed.

“Oh, 'the next time.' What makes you think there'll be a 'next time'? I'm not that dumb … or that brave!” And besides, with a baby on her own, who would want her? She still couldn't envision a future with anyone except Steven. But Bill sat back and hooted at what she'd said to him.

“Are you serious? Do you really think this is it? At thirty-one, you think it's all over?” He looked more amused than sympathetic. “That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.” Particularly for a woman who looked and thought and behaved the way she did. Any man in the world would have been lucky to share his life with her, and he would have been more than happy to try it.

“Well, you haven't done it again.” She looked at him searchingly and he smiled.

“You're right. But I've never found the right woman.” He had also been pretty careful not to.

“Why not?”

“Scared,” he admitted to her. “Busy. Lazy. Not in the mood. A lot of reasons. Besides, I was older than you are when I got divorced. I already had two kids. And I knew I didn't want any more children. That took away some of my incentive to look for someone to marry.”

“Why not? No more kids, I mean.”

“I don't want to have kids and lose them again,” he said, almost sadly. “Once is enough. I couldn't do this again. It tears my heart out every time they go back to New York. I wouldn't be willing to take that risk again now.” She nodded, thinking that she understood it.

“It must be rough,” she said sympathetically.

“It is. Rougher than you can imagine.” And then he smiled tenderly at her, and for a moment she wanted to tell him about the baby.

“Sometimes life is more complicated than it looks,” she said cryptically.

“That's for sure.” He wondered what she meant but didn't press her. He had a feeling that more had happened with Steven than she was willing to tell him. Another woman, another man, some special kind of heartbreak or disappointment.

They talked for a long time that night, sitting close to each other, looking into the fire. It was a cool night and he had lit it early on and it was still burning. The children never stirred, and they were both tired, but neither of them seemed to want to leave the other. They seemed to have a myriad of things to talk about, experiences to relate, opinions to share, and as the night wore on, without thinking, Bill seemed to move closer to her. It was an expression of how he felt about her, and she didn't seem to object, and suddenly near midnight, he looked at her and couldn't remember what he'd been saying. All he could think of was how much he wanted her, and without thinking, he reached out and touched her face with both his hands, and murmuring her name, he gently kissed her. She hadn't been prepared for it, and she was totally surprised, yet she didn't push him away or move. And she found herself kissing him back, and then longing for him as he held her. And then finally, she pulled away and looked up at him sadly.

“Bill …don't …”

“I'm sorry,” he said, but he wasn't. He had never been happier in his life, never wanted a woman more, never loved anyone as he loved her. He loved her with all the emptiness and longing of the past seven years, and all the tenderness and wisdom of his full forty. “I'm sorry, Adrian … I didn't mean to upset you. …”

She stood up slowly and walked across the room, as though she had to pull herself away physically so she wouldn't do something foolish. “You haven't upset me.” She turned and looked at him regretfully. “It's just … I can't explain it … I don't want to cause you pain.”

“Me?” He looked stunned. “How could you possibly cause me pain?” He walked toward her and took her hands in his own, looking deep into the blue eyes he already loved so dearly.

“Take my word for it. I have nothing to give anyone just now. Except headaches.”

He smiled at her. “You make it sound very appealing.” He wanted to kiss her again, but he forced himself not to.

“I'm serious.” And she looked it. She was a lot more serious than he knew. She didn't want to burden anyone with the responsibility of her baby. If Steven didn't want it, then she had no right to burden anyone else with it, certainly not Bill, who had his life and his hands full with his own children. And he had already told her he didn't want more. This was her problem, and no one else's.

“I'm serious, too, Adrian. I didn't want to rush you, because I know the divorce has been a tremendous blow.” He looked down at her and everything he felt for her seemed to pour through him. “Adrian … I love you. I know this sounds crazy, and it hasn't been long, but I do. I'm not going to press you, and if this is the wrong time, I'll wait …but give it a chance, please …give me a chance.” He was whispering and then he couldn't stop himself from doing it again. He kissed her. And at first she tried to resist him, but only for a moment and then she melted into his arms again, knowing that she was falling in love with him too. But she couldn't. It wasn't fair. She was breathless and looked worried when he stopped and he only smiled and touched her lips with his fingers. “I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about upsetting me. I can wait till you sort things out with Steven.”

“But that's not fair to you.”

“It's even less fair not to let this happen. We've been drawn to each other like magnets since we met. Call it kismet, destiny, fate, call it whatever you want. But I feel as though it was meant to be. And I don't want to lose that. You can't run away from it, and I'm not rushing you. I'll wait. Forever, if I have to.” It was quite an offer and she was touched to her very soul. She felt the same way about him, but the baby changed everything for her. She had to give Steven a chance to come back, if he changed the mind. And she had to devote all her love and energies to the baby. And it wasn't fair to walk into Bill's life pregnant by her previous husband. It sounded too much like the bible for his show, and she almost groaned as she thought of trying to explain it. “I promise, I won't try to force anything. I won't even kiss you again while we're away if you don't want me to. I just want to be with you, and get to know you.”

“Oh, Bill.” She slipped into his arms again and he held her for a long time, and she wanted to stay there forever. He was everything she had always wanted, except that he wasn't her husband, or the baby's father. “I don't know what to say.”

“Don't say anything. Just be patient with yourself, and with me. And give it time. And then we'll see. Maybe we'll discover that it's not right and it never will be. But at least let's give it a fair chance. Okay?” He looked down at her hopefully as she thought it over. “Please …”

“But you don't know …there's so much you don't know about me.”

“What can it possibly be that's so terrible? You cheated on your husband? What terrible secrets are you hiding from me?” He was teasing her to lighten the moment, and she smiled. It wasn't a terrible secret, just a big one. A baby. “I can't believe that there's anything so awful lurking in your past, or even your present, that would change how I feel about you.” She almost laughed at that, remembering how strongly Steven had felt about the baby. But this was not Steven, it was Bill, and she almost believed that he really loved her. But taking her on pregnant was asking too much of anyone, even Bill. She just couldn't do that. “Why don't we just let things ride for a while, relax, enjoy our holiday, and when we go home we can get serious about things, and talk everything over. Is that a deal? Shall we keep it light till then? And I'll behave myself. I promise.” He held out his hand to shake hers and overcame, with difficulty, another overwhelming desire to kiss her. “Agreed?”