Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

I nod. I will not cry over Mason Cahill, I chant again. “I know.”

“Help me out of this dress and let’s go back to my house and grab a drink. I think we can both use one.” She turns around, giving me access to her zipper.

“You look like a princess, Kenz. Hunter’s a lucky man.”

She winks at me in the mirror; I help her unzip and then hang the dress up. We leave the shop and make our way to her house. I need something to help steel my heart, at least for tonight anyway.

This being on the road shit sucks. The away games never used to bother me, but now that everything is screwed up, I hate it. I hate not being home, hate being away from Hailey, hate the drama and I hate myself. Baseball has always been a part of my life, it’s a constant, I’m good at it and I’m able to control it. It’s not just a hobby to me, it’s my career. Since losing Hailey I just can’t put my heart into the game. I know I look like a complete jackass to everyone; they’re all still pissed at me. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for even putting myself in such a screwed up situation. It seems that I always get burned while protecting my family. One damn day I’ll learn my lesson.

Hailey has to know I wouldn’t touch Lily. God knows Lily’s been around the block more times than I even care to think about. I shudder at the visions coming to mind. I can’t believe Coop, Hunter and I fucked that. What the hell were we thinking? Oh that’s right, we were thinking with the wrong head.

I’ve been sending Hailey her favorite flowers, stargazers, every other day for the last two weeks; I feel the need to keep sending them so she knows I still think of her all the damn time. I pray that deep down she knows I wouldn’t cheat on her. Hell, there are girls that hang around after the games and at the local bars, trying to sink their claws into one of us. Damn cleat chasers. After Hailey and I finally decided to try this relationship thing out last year, I’ve never even given them a second thought. Yeah I joke around and flirt to get the things that I want, but that is the extent of it. The guys on the team were having a fucking field day with that; they kept asking when I was going to get my balls back. My balls are exactly where I wanted them, back home with Hailey.

Hailey. Damn, what I wouldn’t do to have her wrapped in my arms right now. I’m living my dream right now; but Hailey should be here with me. I’d give all of this up for her. It was our turn to have our happily ever after, but I’m screwing up because I’m keeping a secret, a secret that shouldn’t even affect us. So she ran. I shouldn’t be surprised, she always does. That’s the reason she was always at my house growing up, she ran away from her dad. Her mom and dad were in the middle of a divorce back then and she hated all the fighting. For the last eight years, Hailey had snuck into my room every night and slept in my bed with me. No one knew, not even MacKenzie. Sometimes we talked about what that night’s fight was about and other times I just held her while she cried. The divorce screwed her up more than she’ll ever admit and her bitch of a sister blames her for causing it.

We just wrapped up a game and we’re sitting at some local bar in Boston. Cooper has bailed and said his ankle was bothering him and he was going to call it a night. He thinks I’m stupid, but I know he’s going back to call Jaylinn. We’ve been busy lately and we haven’t had much down time and it’s getting in my way of finding Lily and talking to her again.

Pat enters the bar and takes the seat to the left of me. Pat is our first baseman for the Bulldogs and he’s an instigator. I’m not in the mood for that shit tonight; I just want to get through the night so we can get our asses back home tomorrow.

“I see you’ve finally got your balls back, hmm?” He asks while taking a swig of his beer.

I roll my eyes, “I’ve always had my balls, Asshole.”

He laughs, “Is that so? Ever since you and that hot piece of ass got together a few years ago you stopped hanging out with us.”

This guy is your typical player. He has a wife and a kid back home, but every night while we are on the road he’s hooking up with someone else. Most of the guys do. They claim they are lonely and ‘what happens on the road, stays on the road’. No one ever got in anyone else’s business, it was just guy code.

“Yeah, I just got some stuff going on so I haven’t been in the mood to hang around and bullshit.” I answer. I am not about to spill my guts to this guy. Hell, none of my teammates other than Cooper, who thinks I kissed Lily, knows the reason behind my split with Hailey.

“I think that chick over there might be interested in helping you forget about your stuff you’ve got going on.” He lifts his chin to the girl sitting across the bar from us. I look up and there is indeed a cute girl sitting there with three of her friends. She doesn’t look like a cleat chaser. She has this innocent look about her and she looks uncomfortable, out of her element.

Maybe she’s my out for the night. I can act like I’m picking this girl up and bringing her back to my room; helping her out of whatever situation she’s in and helping myself, too.

I grab my beer off the bar and turn on the stool to make my way to her. Pat slaps me on the back and says, “There’s my boy.”

I laugh just to play along. As I walk up to the girl, her friends all walk away in the direction I just came. I take the seat next to her, “Hey,”

She blushes and I’ve only said two words.

“Hey,” She manages to say after she’s taken a sip of her drink.

“You look like you need some help.”

“Was it that obvious?” she asks. She is tearing a napkin into pieces, trying to keep her eyes off mine.

“Just a little. I’m Mason by the way, and you are?”

“Cammie. Nice to meet you, Mason.” She has a southern drawl.

Now that I take her in I see that she’s wearing a pair of cowboy boots with her white dress. “Let me guess, all your friends are trying to hook up with the guys from the team and you’re just not into it?”

“Yeah, I was brought in here kicking and screaming.” She replies while nervously laughing.

“I’m about to start kicking and screaming if I have to stay in here any longer. What do you say we get out of here? Make them think we’re leaving together?” I offer.

“I think that’s the best pick up line I’ve ever heard.” She laughs.

She finishes up her drink and we go say goodbye to her friends before we leave. I gain a few hoots and hollers from the boys on my way out. Now maybe this will get them off my back for a little while.

We step outside and I hail down a taxi. One pulls up to the curb and I open the door for Cammie. After she sits down, she looks up at me, “You can come hang out for a while if you’d like; just to talk.” She fidgets with the end of her dress. “I don’t see my friends coming back tonight.”

If I wasn’t so hung up on Hailey I would have hopped into that taxi and had my way with her all night, but I just can’t seem to do it. “Nah, I’m gonna head back to the hotel. We’re out of here first thing in the morning. Take care of yourself, Cammie.”

I reach into my pocket and hand the cabbie a few bills to make sure she gets back safe and sound. “Thanks Mason.”

I smile, shut the door and pat the roof twice before stepping back. I wait until I can’t see Cammie’s cab anymore and hail my own. I jump in and tell him what hotel I’m staying at. As we’re approaching I realize I have no fucking clue what room Coop and I are in. I send him a quick text before I pay the cabbie and make my way into the hotel. The front desk is closed for the night and I’m close to banging on all the doors at this point, just to find his ass but I don’t want to piss off the coach any more than I already have. I’ve been showing up hung over for practice and training since the split but it’s the only thing I can do to keep myself sane. My phone beeps just as I’m about to sit on the bench near the elevator. I swipe my finger over my phone, unlocking it. It’s Coop telling me he’s in room 517. I hit the up elevator button, step in and head up to the fifth floor.

I knock once and wait. No answer so I bang again, after a few minutes the door opens and Cooper is standing there wearing only a towel and his hair is wet.

“Thanks for taking a shower for me.” I laugh as I step around him into the room. He smacks me upside the head.

“What the fuck was that for?” I grit out.

“You deserved it.” He replies calmly.

“Well, if you weren’t up here jerking it to Jaylinn then you wouldn’t have needed to shower.” I quip back. “It was Jaylinn right?” I probe.

He sighs loudly. I’m bound and determined to break his wall about that girl.

“Do you remember that spring break that we spent at Hunter’s? The year we waited too long to book flights out?”

Cooper snaps his head in my direction. “What the hell made you bring that up?”

I shrug, “I was just trying to remember that girl’s name that I was hanging out with. I met some girl at the bar that reminded me of her.”

Cooper looks straight ahead at the TV that isn’t turned on. “I was too fucked up to remember anything at that party, dude.”

Maybe he was telling me the truth. Maybe he really doesn’t remember sleeping with Brittany, or maybe it really wasn’t Brittany at all. I sit on the bed, rest my elbows on my knees and look over at Coop, who is lying up against his headboard. I let the conversation drop for now. “Why the hell did you let me go out tonight?”