OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!HH!!!! THEY'VE CANCELLED THE PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Atom

The Official Student-Run Newspaper of Albert Einstein High School


Special Supplementary Edition

PROM CANCELLED!!!!!!!!

By Lesley Cho



Due to the city-wide hotel, restaurant, and porters' unions strike, this year's Senior Prom has been cancelled. The restaurant Maxim's notified school officials that due to the strike, they would be closing, effective immediately. The

Prom Committee's $4,000 deposit was returned. This year's senior class is left high and dry with no alternative but to have the prom in the school cafeteria, something Prom Committee members considered, but then dismissed.

The prom is special,' said Prom Committee chairperson, Lana Weinberger. 'It's no ordinary school dance. We can't

just have it in the cafeteria, as if it were another Cultural Diversity or Non-Denominational Winter Dance. We'd

rather have no prom than a prom where we're stepping on old French fries or whatever.'

Not everyone in the school agrees with the Prom Committee's controversial decision, however. Said senior Judith Gershner, when she heard of Lana Weinberger's remarks, 'We've been looking forward to our prom since we were ninth graders. To have it taken away now, over something as trivial as stray French fries, seems a bit petty. I would rather have French fries stuck to my heel at the prom than no prom at all.'

The Prom Committee remains adamant, however, that it will have the prom off school grounds, or not at all.

'There's nothing special about coming to school dressed up,' ninth grader Lana Weinberger commented. 'If we're

going to get dressed up to the nines, we want to be going somewhere other than where we have gone every morning

all year long.'

The cause of the strike, which was summarized in this week's edition of The Atom, still appears to have been an

incident which occurred at the restaurant Les Hautes Manger, where AEHS freshman and Genovian Princess Mia Thermopolis dined last week with her grandmother. Says Lilly Moscovitz, former friend of the princess and

chairperson of the Students Against the Wrongful Dismissal of Jangbu Pinasa Association, 'It's all Mia's fault. Or at

least her grandmother's. All we want is Jangbu's job back, and a formal apology from Clarisse Renaldo. Oh, and vacation and sick pay, as well as health benefits, for busboys city-wide.'

Princess Mia was, at the time of going to press, unavailable for comment, being, according to her mother,

Helen Thermopolis, in the shower.

We here at The Atom will attempt to keep all of you informed as strike negotiations progress.



Oh, my God. THANKS, MOM. THANKS FOR TELLING ME THE SCHOOL PAPER CALLED WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER.

You should SEE the dirty looks I got as I made my way to my locker this morning. Thank God I have an armed bodyguard,

or I might have been in some serious trouble. Some of those girls on the Varsity Lacrosse team - the ones who smoke and do chin-ups in the third floor girls' room -made EXTREMELY threatening hand gestures towards me as I got out of the limo. Someone had even written on Joe the stone lion (in chalk, but still) GENOVIA SUCKS.

GENOVIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!! The reputation of my principality is being besmirched, and all because of a stupid dance being cancelled!

Oh, all right. I know the prom is not stupid. I mean, I, of all people, KNOW that the prom is not stupid. It is a vitally

important part of the high-school experience, as Molly Ringwald can all too readily attest!

And yet, because of me, it is being ripped from the hearts and yearbooks of the members of this year's AEHS graduating class.

I've GOT to do something. Only what????

WHAT????????????











Thursday, May 8, Algebra

You will never believe what Lana just said to me. I completely kid you not.

LANA: (swivelling around in her chair and glaring at me) You did this on purpose, didn't you? Caused this strike and made the prom get cancelled.

ME: What? No. What are you talking about?

LANA: Just admit it. You did it because I wouldn't let your boyfriend's stupid band stink up the place. Admit it.

ME: No! That's not it at all. It wasn't me, anyway. It was my grandmother.

LANA: Whatever. All you Genovians are the same.

Then she whipped back around, before I could say another word.

All you Genovians? Um, excuse me, but I'm the only Genovian Lana has ever even met.

She has some nerve . . .












Thursday, May 8, Bio




Mia, are you all right?

Yes, Shameeka. It was just an apple core.

Still. That was way cool how Lars hit that guy. Your bodyguard has some sharp reflexes there.

Yeah, well. That's why he got the job. So how come you're speaking to me? Don't you hate me, too? I mean, after

all, you and Jeff were going to go to the prom.

Well, it's not YOUR fault it got cancelled. Besides, I wouldn't have had that much fan at it anyway. I mean, not

if the only other girl from my class was going to be LANA!!!!!!!!! By the way, did you hear about Tina?

No. What?

Yesterday, when Boris was waiting at his locker for Lilly —you know, he put that Happy Ad in the paper, asking her

to meet him there after school, so they could talk? Well, Tina decided to meet him, you know, and ask him if he

wanted to grab a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity, because she felt so sorry for him and all. Well, I guess he

finally gave up on waitingfor Lilly, since he said yes and the two of them went, and this morning, I swear I saw them holding hands beside the foamcore sculpture of the Parthenon outside the language lab.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT? YOU SAW TINA AND BORIS HOLDING HANDS. TINA AND BORIS.

TINA and BORIS PELKOWSKI????


Yes.

Tina. Tina Hakim Baba. And Boris Pelkowslci TINA AND BORIS????????? '

YES!!!!!!!!!! Oh, my God. What is happening to the world we live in?











Thursday, May 8, Third Floor Stairwell



Shameeka and I cornered Tina after we came out of Bio. and dragged her up here to demand confirmation of the holding-hands-with-Boris thing. I am skipping Health and Safety, but who cares? I would only end up sitting there under

the hostile gazes of my fellow Health and Safety practitioners, one of whom includes my ex-best friend Lilly Moscovitz,

whom I have absolutely no desire to speak to anyway.

Besides, my Asperger's syndrome report is due, and I didn't exactly have a chance to finish it, due to the severe emotional problems I am suffering right now on account of my mother's bladder problems and my boyfriend's refusal to take me to the prom and the whole strike thing and all.

I cannot believe the stuff that is spilling out of Tina's mouth. About how all her life, she's just been looking for a man who

could love her the way heroes in the romance novels she likes to read so much love their heroines. About how she never thought she would meet a man who could love a woman with the intensity of the heroes she admires most, like Mr. Rochester and Heathcliff and Colonel Brandon and Mr Darcy and Spiderman and all.

Then she says that watching the way Boris fell apart after Lilly left him for Jangbu Pinasa made her realize that out of all the boys she had ever met, he was the only one who seemed close to fitting her description of the perfect boyfriend. Except, of course, for the whole looks thing. But other than that, he is everything Tina has ever wanted in a boyfriend:

• Loyal

(Well, that goes without saying. Boris would never even LOOK at another girl after he hooked up with Lilly.)

• Passionate

(Uh, I guess the whole globe thing proved Boris is deeply passionate. Or suffers from Asperger's syndrome.)

• Intelligent

(4.0 GPA)

• Musical

(As I can only too readily testify.)

• In touch with popular culture

(He does watch Buffy?)

• Fond of Chinese food

(This is true as well.)

• Absolutely uninterested in competitive sports

(Except figure skating. Well, he is Russian.)


Plus, Tina adds, he is a really good kisser, once he takes out his bionater.

A REALLY GOOD KISSER, ONCE HE TAKES OUT HIS BIONATER.

You know what that means, don't you? IT MEANS THAT TINA AND BORIS HAVE KISSED! How would she know

this if they hadn't????????

Oh, my God. I can't stop gagging. I like Boris - I really do. I mean, except for the fact that he is COMPLETELY INSANE

I think he is a really nice guy. He is sensitive and funny and, if you can forget the asthma inhaler and the mouth-breathing and

the violin playing and the whole sweater thing, yeah, OK I guess he is PASSABLY attractive.

I mean, at least he is taller than Tina.

BUT OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORIS PELKOWSKI, TINA'S MR. ROCHESTER?????

NO, NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But as Shameeka just pointed out to me (while Tina was checking her text messages), Boris doesn't necessarily have to be