Isabel a shook her head.

“Oh, I thought you did. Wel , look, they’re a fun group. It’s not that big of a deal. If you want to go, great. If not, don’t worry about it.”

“Do you even want me to go?”

“Yeah.”

“It just kind of sounded like maybe you didn’t real y.”

“If I didn’t want you to go, I wouldn’t ask you.”

“Oh.”

“Stop being so weird,” he said, and poked her in the stomach. “It’s real y not a big deal. Just let me know.”

“Okay.”

Isabel a wondered what it would be like to be a boy. She knew that Harrison meant it when he said it wasn’t a big deal. He real y wouldn’t care. He didn’t have to obsess over her response or if she would go or not. If she were a boy, she would be much more successful. She was sure of it. As it was now, she wasted days at work analyzing things that Harrison had said to her. When he told her it was interesting that she had a goldfish, she lost a week of productivity.

What did she know about dating, anyway? Nothing. She thought back to the sixth-grade sex-ed class they’d had at St. Anthony’s. The girls were put in a room with the school nurse and forced to read scenarios out of an old pamphlet. “Kate and Michael have been going steady for a month,”

the book read. “Michael wants Kate to try heavy petting, but Kate doesn’t feel ready. What do you think she should do?”

The nurse cleared her throat, blushed, and addressed the girls. “So, does anyone have a thought on what Kate should do?” The room was silent.

Final y someone asked, “What’s heavy petting?”

In the other room, the boys told them later, a priest had drawn a large dome on the blackboard. “Do you know what this is?” he asked them. He sounded angry and annoyed. He put a dot on top of it. “That’s a penis,” he said.

That was her education? How was she prepared for this? There was no scenario in that book about starting a new relationship with a Harrison.

There were no tips on whether or not to go on a trip so early in a relationship. (Or if there were, they never got to them. Because once they found out what heavy petting was, they laughed for a week and a half.)

“You should go,” her friends al said. The fact that she hadn’t skied in years and didn’t real y miss it wasn’t something they were concerned with.

The drive up there would take almost five hours. What would they talk about? They had never been in a car alone that long. What if it was just silence? After sleepless nights and countless conversations, she agreed to go. Immediately after, she felt sick.

The ski house was built to sleep as many people as possible. Most rooms had two sets of bunk beds and stairs that led to another room with a futon. When they got there, it was already dark and she could hear laughing as they stood outside the door. It was so cold that Isabel a could feel the inside of her nose freeze when she breathed. The night seemed darker after coming from the city, and it made Isabel a shiver. More than anything at that moment, she wanted not to be there. What had she been thinking coming up here? She didn’t know these people.

Isabel a let Harrison walk in front of her and she walked behind him, pretending to look for something in her purse. There were about a dozen people in the kitchen and living room, sitting around, drinking and laughing. There was a footbal game on the TV, which no one was watching.

Everyone smiled and there were shouts of “Hey” and “What’s up?” Isabel a waited for Harrison to introduce her and then stood there while he pointed to everyone and said their names. She didn’t remember any of them.

Harrison grabbed her bag to take it upstairs and she fol owed him. They peeked in the rooms, looking for an empty one, but there were bags on al of the double beds. The only thing free was a set of bunk beds in the corner of one of the rooms.

“Looks like this is us,” Harrison said. “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

Isabel a wasn’t sure. If she slept on the bottom, she would be eye level with the other couple staying in the room. If she took the top, she ran the risk of fal ing out of bed and paralyzing herself while waking the whole house up.

“Um, the bottom, I guess.”

“Okay.”

Harrison threw the bags on top of the beds and turned to her. “You ready for a drink?” he asked. She nodded and fol owed him downstairs silently.

That weekend, Isabel a sat close to Harrison, holding his hand and resting her head against his shoulder, which she never did. When he left the room for more than two minutes she started to panic at the thought that she was stuck with these strangers. She acted like a different girl than she was. Harrison didn’t seem to notice.

The first night there, Isabel a was cornered by one of Harrison’s friends from col ege. Her name was Jocelyn. She was drunk and a close talker.

“I don’t real y know my dad,” she confided to Isabel a. “He never real y wanted a daughter and I’m not sure he ever loved me.”

She was leaning in so close that her giant boob was resting on Isabel a’s arm and her breath was on Isabel a’s cheek. Was this girl hitting on her? Isabel a felt like crying. She kept trying to catch Harrison’s eye so that he could save her, but every time she did he gave her a look like, I’m glad you’re fitting in.

At the end of the night, Jocelyn held Isabel a in a too-long embrace and muttered something about how glad she was to meet her. And then she said, “I love you.” Isabel a was in a loony bin.

“Isn’t Jocelyn nice?” Harrison asked. They were standing side by side in the bathroom, brushing their teeth. The floor was freezing and it made

Isabel a’s feet cold right through her socks. She was drunk and had to close one eye so that the reflections of her and Harrison in the mirror would stop moving.

“She would be nice if she was in therapy,” Isabel a said. She stumbled a little bit and leaned on the sink. Harrison caught her arm.

“So judgmental,” he said. He tried to make it sound like a joke, but she knew he was annoyed.

She spit out her toothpaste and rinsed off her toothbrush. “Do you realize that at the end of the night, she said, ‘I love you’ to me? That doesn’t strike you as a little strange?”

“She’s an emotional girl. You just need to get used to her.”

“Did you use to date her?”

Harrison laughed. “I wouldn’t cal it dating. It was a long time ago.”

Harrison rubbed the back of her thermal shirt and she leaned her head against him. Al she wanted was to be back in the city at one of their apartments, where they could sleep in the same bed.

“Good night,” Harrison said and swung up to the top bunk.

“Night,” Isabel a whispered into her pil ow.

Isabel a didn’t real y want to go skiing, but the alternative was staying in the house al day with the few people who weren’t going either. Jocelyn was one of them, so Isabel a put on her long underwear and ski pants, her thermal shirt and her puffy jacket. She looked like a marshmal ow.