Susan Mallery - Full-Time Father

Erin headed for her room. Parker stopped her just inside the door.

“Are you doing all right?” he asked. “I know you didn’t sleep last night.”

She glanced at him. There were shadows under his eyes and lines of weariness by his mouth. “You didn’t, either.”

“I guess we were both worried.”

“It’s going to be fine, now,” she said. “Christie is a healthy child. She’ll heal quickly.” There was a faint scratching from the end of the hall. She looked in that direction, then shook her head. “I can’t believe she’s finally won that battle with me.”

Parker grinned. “You can still change your mind.”

“No, we owe her for saving Christie’s life.”

“Now?” he asked.

“Sure. You get the surprise, I’ll get the pain medication.”

Erin measured out two chewable pills, then secured the top of the container. Parker met her in the hall. He held a leash. The skinny little dog that had saved Christie’s life walked beside him.

Kiki had taken the animal to the vet. According to him, it had been on its own for nearly a month. Kiki had checked old newspapers and asked around town, but no one was missing a dog. As near as they could tell, someone had just dumped the animal on the beach and abandoned it.

After getting the dog a clean bill of health and a bath, Kiki had bought a leash and a collar.

“Christie is going to be thrilled,” Parker said.

Erin sighed. “At least she’s small enough not to be too much trouble.”

She went in the bedroom first. Christie took her pills. “Where’s Daddy?” she asked when she was done.

“He’s in the hallway. We have a surprise for you. Now you can’t get out of bed until after lunch, but if you promise to behave, you can have your surprise now.”

Big eyes got bigger. “What is it, Mommy?”

“Parker?”

He walked in with the little dog at his side.

Christie squealed. “My doggie! Mommy, it’s my doggie! Oh, he’s so clean and pretty.”

“He’s also a she,” Parker said.

“A girl doggie?”

“You’ll have to take good care of her,” Erin said. “Walk her and feed her. You can’t ignore her because you have something better to do. She’s your responsibility.”

Tears filled Christie’s eyes. “I’ll be her mommy. And I’ll be as good a mommy as you.”

The dog jumped up on the bed and licked Christie’s face. The girl giggled. Before Erin could order the animal off, she circled twice, then settled next to Christie. The look in her little dog eyes said this was exactly where she belonged.

“Oh, I love her so much,” Christie said, gently stroking the dog’s head.

“She needs a name,” Kiki said as she leaned against the foot of the bed. “Take your time and think up a good one.”

Erin glanced around the room. The joy and happiness here were as tangible as the furniture. Parker moved close and she took his hand. He squeezed her fingers. They were in this together for the sake of their child.

Christie was safe and finally had her precious puppy. Parker was close; everything was as it should be. Erin wished she could hold on to this moment forever with only one small change. She wanted to tell Parker she loved him and she didn’t want to leave him. She wanted to have the courage to admit she wanted them to be a real family.

But she didn’t say the words. She couldn’t force him to love her back. He was still withholding a part of himself. Until he learned that some risks were worth taking, until he saw that only by giving everything would he get all he needed, the clock continued to count down the time until she had to leave.

Parker stepped into Christie’s darkened room. The night-light by the door cast a faint glow over the left side of the bed. He could see his daughter asleep on her back, her teddy bear clutched in her good arm. The cast was supported by a pillow and her new dog curled up by her feet.

He bent over and petted the animal. “How you doing, Laverne?” he whispered. She licked his fingers, then settled back down and gave a contented groan. Between her full belly and Christie’s affection, her doggie life was complete. Parker wondered if she minded being called Laverne. They’d discussed other names, but Christie had insisted.

He crouched by the little girl and gently touched her fingers. They curled around the end of the cast. Her skin was warm and soft. Her chest rose and fell in time with her breathing. How fragile she seemed at night. It terrified him to think how easily she could have been taken from him.

A sharp pain sliced through him. He gritted his teeth to keep from calling out. Dear God, he would never have survived that. Not just the guilt, but the sorrow of not seeing her smile or knowing she was alive to brighten the world.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should have watched more closely, or told you to stay off the rocks. Give me a chance and I’ll do better.”

She slept on. He stared at her and wondered how anyone could know her and not love her. Her presence in his life was a gift. He’d done nothing to earn it. He could only accept graciously and do his best to make her happy and help her grow.

Erin had warned him about holding back. At the time he wasn’t sure he could give everything. Now he knew he didn’t have a choice.

“I’ll make it right,” he said softly. “I swear. I’ll always love you, Christie. No matter what. I’ll love you with all I have.”

The act of speaking the words caused the last barrier in his heart to break free. Emotion flooded him, overwhelming him. Love, sorrow, regret, pain, pleasure and need all swirled together until he found it difficult to breathe.

He wanted to weep for the past and how he’d messed everything up. Robin had been right not to trust him. He wanted to stand up and scream that he’d finally changed. It was all right now.

But it was too late. Shame filled him. The change had come because of his wife’s death, not in spite of it. Had she lived, he might never have learned to truly love. He missed her but it was time to make peace with her passing. He would always love her, but now it was time to say goodbye.

He squeezed his eyes closed and wondered when it got easier.

“Parker?”

He raised his head and saw Erin standing in the doorway. He rose and walked to her.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

He stepped into the hall. She followed. “Nothing,” he said. “I was checking on Christie. I…” He swallowed. “You were right. I was holding back from her. In these last couple of days I’ve seen how much she means to me. We came so close to losing her.”

She took his hand and pulled him into her room. There was a chair by the window. When he was seated, she knelt in front of him and placed her hands on his thighs. Her gaze was intense, her expression ernest. “I wish I had the words to convince you it was just an accident. No one is to blame. Otherwise they would be called deliberates.”

God knows he wanted to believe her. But he couldn’t, he knew the truth. “I should have watched her better. I should-”

“No. I should have come with you to the beach instead of staying inside to finish writing my letters. I should have sensed something was wrong.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he said. “You couldn’t know something was going to happen. The odds of her going up on the rocks, then falling through are-”

She cut him off. “Exactly my point. Or are you saying only you can accept unreasonable blame?”

“I…” He stared at her. She had him there. If he told her it was just an accident, then he had to believe it himself. The guilt lingered, but not as strongly as before. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was just one of those things. He gave her a half smile. “You’re pretty smart.”

“Thank you, sir.”

They stared at each other. A subtle awareness filled him. She was close and she was touching him. He hadn’t stopped wanting her. But she’d been the one to put the brakes on their physical relationship and he was determined to respect that.

She leaned forward. “I’m glad you were with me through this. I would have fallen apart if I’d been alone.”

“You’re too strong for that. You would have been fine.” He touched her face. “I have a confession. In the hospital, I wasn’t sure she was going to make it. I was just as scared as you.”

“I know. You were very brave.”

“I didn’t feel brave. I felt more like a coward.”

She took his hands in hers. “Parker, just for tonight, please let me love you.” She brought his fingers to her mouth and kissed them. The soft touch burned, but not as hotly as her words. That simple sentence had seared a path to his soul.

“Erin?”

She sighed. “I know you don’t want me to feel that way about you, and I won’t-tomorrow. But for tonight, accept my heart and my body. Let me love you and pretend that you love me back.”

He pulled his hands free and leaned toward her. He gripped her shoulders. “What are you saying?”

Her smile was pure surrender. She reached for the buttons on his shirt and unfastened them. “Make love to me.”

A gentleman would have refused her, but he had always known he was a bastard. Desire raced through him, boiling his blood and pooling in his groin. Questions swirled through his mind. She spoke of love. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t love him. He didn’t deserve it. Except maybe for tonight. While it was dark out and nothing was real, he could accept her gift.

As he pulled her to him, she came willingly, molding herself to him, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips to his. The hunger was instant. He tasted her sweetness and wondered how he’d survived this long without her.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured against her mouth.

Her tongue touched his and she groaned. “Me, too. More than you can imagine.”