Susan Mallery - Full-Time Father

The house came into view. Funny, as beautiful as the three-story structure was, she had no desire to take pictures of it. At first she wasn’t sure why, then she realized she already knew this building inside and out. An image of it lived in her heart. She didn’t need a static photograph to remind her of home.

That night, after putting Christie into bed and reading her a story, Erin went to find Parker. She went down to the second floor and saw a light shining from his office. After crossing the landing, she paused in the hallway. He was in front of his computer, obviously deeply involved in his program.

She stepped inside the room and quietly made her way to the window seat. She hadn’t spent much time in here. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because she knew he’d once worked here with Robin and she didn’t want to encounter any ghosts.

Tonight she didn’t feel any strange presence, so she settled on the cushion and waited for Parker to notice her.

The office was large, with high ceilings and a wall full of windows. Blinds had been pulled open to allow in the light, and he didn’t bother to lower them at night. Erin realized this room faced the ocean. There was no one to look in and disturb his privacy.

His computer desk took up about a quarter of the space at one end of the room. Books and papers were piled high on every available surface, and formed teetering stacks on the floor. The steady clicking of his fingers on the keyboard provided a rhythmic counterpoint to the faint rumble of the surf below.

Dark hair fell over his forehead. He brushed it away, absently. His gaze was focused and intense, his mouth a straight line. He wore a T-shirt over jeans and his feet were bare. Even his watch was an inexpensive sports model available at any department store. Nothing about Parker Hamiliton indicated that he was worth millions.

Nearly a half hour passed before he glanced up and saw her. He blinked. “Erin?”

“Hi.”

“Have you been sitting there long?”

She stood and stretched, then settled back on the window seat. “Not very. How’s it going?” She motioned to the computer.

“Great. I’m sorry. You should have said something.”

“I didn’t mind. I like watching you work. It’s very intense.”

He grinned. “I get completely involved in what I’m doing. With my luck I probably drool or something.”

She laughed. “You were fine. You don’t even squint.”

His smile faded. “Is everything all right? Christie-”

“Christie’s fine, too. She’s already asleep. I wanted to talk to you for a minute, if you have time.”

“Sure.” He clicked a couple of keys, then angled his chair toward her. He stretched out long, lean legs and leaned back. “I’m listening.”

What had seemed so simple just a short time ago suddenly became awkward. She fumbled for words, wanting to find the right ones. When they didn’t appear, she settled on just being honest.

“I’m sorry for what I said last night,” she told him. “I was a little hurt and angry that you were so involved with work, but I didn’t feel I had the right to complain about that. So I got analytical instead. Feel free to ignore my pop psychology. I’m hardly an expert. It’s not my place to say those things about your relationship with Robin. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Already done.” His eyes darkened. “You were right about everything, you know.”

“No, I wasn’t. I was lashing out.” Fighting the truth and trying not to be hurt because she loved him and he wasn’t interested in her feelings.

“Then you have good instincts.” He shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About holding back. I don’t want that to happen with Christie.”

“It won’t. You’re a terrific father. She adores you.”

He rubbed his temple as if he were developing a headache. “Adoration is for rock stars. I want to be a part of her life. But sometimes the responsibility terrifies me. I don’t want to do something stupid and mess her up. I have this vision of her twenty years from now, paying a therapist a hundred dollars an hour and it’s all because of me.”

Erin laughed. “Then make sure you give her a big enough allowance so she can pay for it.”

“You’re not helping.”

She stared at him, at his handsome features, at the concern obvious in his expression. “I know it didn’t work out between you and Stacey. Her imagination created a relationship where one didn’t exist at all. But she had good instincts, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“She picked you to fall in love with, Parker. You’re going to do fine with Christie. You’ll learn as you go, like the rest of us parents.”

“You’ve had a head start on me.”

“You’ll catch up.”

He didn’t respond. Instead he stood and crossed the room to the window seat. He sat next to her and took her hand in his. His fingers were warm and strong. He rubbed his thumb across her palm. She sensed he meant the gesture to be friendly, even comforting, but she found it arousing. Heat skittered up her arm to settle in her breasts and between her thighs.

“I’m sorry about all you lost. All I took from you,” he said.

“What are you talking about?”

“Stacey.”

“We’ve been through this. It wasn’t about you at all.”

“If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, she wouldn’t be dead.” His pain radiated as if it were heat. His gaze met hers. “You have every right to hate me for that. She was your sister. Your twin. That bond, I-” He shook his head. “You still miss her. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you and Christie.”

“Parker, no. Never. Don’t hate yourself. I don’t hate you or blame you.”

“You should.”

She turned toward him and squeezed his hand. “I’ll admit you should have acted more responsibly that night. It was wrong to make love with my sister. But it was nothing more than a mistake. You didn’t set out to hurt her.”

“But I did and she died.”

Erin leaned close. “I refuse to let you wish that night away. I can’t imagine what my life would be like then. Don’t you see? Without that night, without that mistake, there would be no Christie. That’s what you gave me. I’ll always miss my sister. You’re right, we did share a unique bond and part of me always feels her loss. But I’ve gained this beautiful loving child. That was Stacey’s last gift to me. Christie is a part of my sister and I won’t ever regret having her in my life.”

He put his arms around her and drew her close. “I don’t deserve you. Most people would want me drawn and quartered for what I did.”

“Then most people are wrong.”

She leaned against his chest and inhaled the scent of him. His embrace made her feel safe and secure. She wanted to stay here forever. She could hear the steady beating of his heart. For a moment she was tempted to raise her head and kiss him. He would respond. They could share the night, join their bodies, experience paradise in each other’s arms.

But in the morning he would walk away and she would be the one left with a broken heart.

He brushed her hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Christie spent some time with me today,” he said. “We were using a couple of new programs for kids. I’ve been thinking of some educational software modifications I’d like to make for her. She’s very bright.”

Erin smiled. “What else would she be? Look at her parents.”

“I guess you’re right. It’s interesting that you don’t share Stacey’s interest in computers.”

“Twins start out identical, but they grow up to have different personalities. Stacey was always more outgoing than me. She was the risk-taker.”

“You took a risk coming here.”

She snuggled closer. “I’m glad I did.”

At this moment, in his arms, she could pretend it was real. That he cared about her, that everything was going to work out. But in her heart, she knew it was just a fantasy. He wasn’t in love with her and he didn’t want her to love him. They weren’t the perfect family. They’d come close, but it wasn’t meant to be.

“Where do we go from here?” he asked.

To bed. But she didn’t say the words. She couldn’t afford the price. “We don’t have to go anywhere. We can stay right where we are.”

“Where’s that?”

She drew in a deep breath. “Friends. We can be good friends. I could use someone like you in my life, and Kiki’s right. You live like a hermit. You need us, too.”

His arms tightened, holding her close. “That sounds great.”

Actually it sounded horrible to her. Empty and cold and not nearly what she wanted. Still it was better than nothing. She couldn’t make him love her. She couldn’t force a response he didn’t want to make. So they would be friends and she would make it enough. Because the alternative was to confess all and risk losing him completely.

She ignored the voice that whispered once again that she was settling and waiting for her turn. She ignored Kiki’s advice of grabbing onto happiness with both hands. Parker wasn’t interested. If she tried to grab for happiness, all she would find was smoke, and all she would get was a broken heart.

The brisk wind caught the edge of the kite and sent it soaring up in the air.

“It’s flying!” Christie squealed. “It’s flying in the sky.”

Parker grinned. “I knew we’d get it right.”

He released more string, trying to get the kite up above the cliffs behind them on the beach. Once free of the erratic breeze, the kite really could take off for the heavens. So far it had been a losing battle.

Parker moved upwind and let the kite out a little more. The breeze shifted, the kite sputtered and twisted. The long slender tail drooped.

“It’s falling,” Christie said and put her hands on her hips. “You stay in the sky, you naughty kite. You’re ‘posed to fly just like the birdies.”