Susan Mallery - Full-Time Father

“I could never hate you, Robin. You’re my whole life. I love you.”

A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. “Today,” she murmured. “You love me today. What about tomorrow? What happens when the disease steals my body? You’re so alive, Parker. You would hate the illness and eventually you’d hate me.” She paused to catch her breath. A sharp cough racked her thin frame.

“Never,” he told her. “I’d be right here. Always.”

Then she’d smiled at him. A sad knowing smile that had made him feel like an unruly child. They hadn’t talked again. He’d stayed with her, holding on to her until she slipped into a coma, then silently died.

Now, with the night air surrounding him, Parker questioned his commitment to his wife. Had Robin believed he held something back? Obviously she hadn’t trusted him to be there for her during her illness. He’d been so angry with her for leaving him. Had he ever forgiven her?

Had she ever forgiven him?

The unexpected question brought a rush of shame. He hung his head and breathed a prayer of apology. To her and to Stacey. Erin was right. His wife had been right. They both sensed a weakness in him.

“I would have stayed with you,” he said aloud, speaking to the night. “Always, Robin. I loved you.”

As the words caught flight and were carried aloft, even he heard the answering echo of falseness. He loved her, but not with all his heart. He’d held something back. In the end, she’d known the truth. He wasn’t enough. He would never have been enough.

He returned to the study. Erin was still in the chair although she hadn’t picked up her book. He stood in the doorway. “You’re right,” he said. “About everything. I understand why you don’t want a relationship with me. I don’t blame you.”

“Parker, that’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”

He shrugged. “It’s what you meant and that’s what’s important. I’ll do my best with Christie. I can’t promise to be perfect, but I want to be a good father to her. I do care about her.”

“I know.” Sadness settled in her eyes. “That’s all anyone can ask for. If you’re aware of the problem, I’m sure you can prevent it from happening. Just remember she needs you to love her unconditionally.”

“That shouldn’t be too hard. Christie is easy to love.” He turned to leave, then paused. “I-” Hell, what was he supposed to say to her? “Good night, Erin.”

He climbed the stairs and prepared for a long night battling the demons. Maybe this time they wouldn’t win.

When Parker walked into the kitchen the next morning, Kiki was already rolling out cinnamon rolls. Christie sat beside her on the counter. She had a small bowl filled with raisins in one hand.

“Daddy!” she squealed when she saw him. She held out her arms.

As Kiki took the bowl from her, he crossed the room and grabbed Christie close.

“Morning, angel. What are you doing?”

“I’m helpin’ with breakfast. We’re making cinnamon rolls.”

“So I see.” He swung her around once and set her back on the counter. Her pink shirt matched the glow in her cheeks. Her hair was in its usual pigtails. She was bright and pretty, and he was proud that she was his child, even though he couldn’t claim any of the credit.

“How are you, Kiki?” he asked as he got a cup out of the cupboard and poured some coffee.

“Never better,” the housekeeper said. This morning her jogging suit was white with red dots. Her athletic shoes were plain white, but the laces had tiny dots on them. “Breakfast will be ready in about twenty minutes.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You hardly ate anything yesterday,” she reminded him.

“I know.” It didn’t matter. He’s spent most of last night wrestling with all Erin had said and remembering his time with Robin. He hadn’t liked some of his conclusions.

“Mommy’s not hungry, either,” Christie said.

Kiki glanced at him. He read the questions in her eyes. Was Erin’s lack of appetite his fault? He knew it was. Their talk had affected her as well.

She’d hinted at a relationship and he’d been interested in an affair.

Hamilton, you’re a real bastard, he told himself.

He dropped a kiss on the top of Christie’s head. “You’re my best girl,” he told her.

She grinned. “You’re my best daddy.”

He wasn’t…yet. But he was going to do his damnedest to make sure he turned out that way. He owed it to Christie. Maybe he even owed it to himself.

Erin was curled up on a chair by her bedroom window when someone knocked on her door. For a half second, she hoped it was Parker, that he’d come to sweep her off her feet, tell her that he was a fool and of course he was madly in love with her.

“Yeah, right,” she murmured.

The person at the door knocked again. “It’s Kiki, Erin. May I come in?”

So much for daydreams. “Sure, Kiki. It’s not locked.”

The housekeeper stepped inside. “At least you’re up and dressed. I was afraid you’d still be in bed.”

“I’m not that far gone. I just needed a little time to myself.”

Kiki put her hands on her hips. This morning she wore a white jogging suit with red polka dots. The cheerful print matched the older woman’s personality.

“You can’t hide in here forever.”

“I’m not hiding. I’m-” She thought for a moment, searching for the perfect word. “I’m regrouping.”

Kiki crossed to the foot of the bed and sat on the cedar hope chest there. “Sounds like hiding to me.”

That’s because it was. Erin shifted on her chair. She was so confused by everything. Too much had happened too fast. She hadn’t slept much. She’d been thinking about everything she had said to Parker and what he’d said back. In truth she was pleased that he’d found the solution to his programming problem. But she was also hurt that he’d ignored her for the whole day. She’d expected some kind of acknowledgment from him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” the housekeeper asked. Her blue eyes were kind, her expression understanding.

“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“Would it help if I told you I knew what happened a couple of nights ago?”

Erin felt a flush heat her cheeks. She stared at Kiki. “How?”

“The two of you spilled the box of condoms and didn’t pick them all up. I found several when I vacuumed yesterday.” She leaned forward. “Don’t feel guilty, Erin. You and Parker are consenting adults. What you do behind closed doors is no one’s business but your own.”

Then why are we talking about it, Erin wondered, still chagrined that the secret was already out. “It’s not as simple as that. The whole man-woman relationship is very complicated. I’ve been out of the game for so long, I don’t know how to play anymore. Not that I ever did.”

“It’s like riding a bicycle.”

“I’m not sure I ever believed that old saying. I rode a bike when I was kid and when I tried one as an adult, I nearly got myself killed.” Erin folded her hands on her lap and drew in a deep breath. “Everything is different from what I thought it would be.”

“Maybe that’s because you’ve changed. The last time you were involved with a man you were in college. Just a young woman. Now you’re a mature adult, a single mother with a child to worry about. That would change anyone’s perspective.”

Erin stared at her. “You’re right. Why didn’t I think of it that way?”

The words made perfect sense. Everything had changed since she was last in the dating world. She’d grown up, started raising Christie. Her wants and needs were different, but her heart still held on to its adolescent dreams. She was mature, but inexperienced. Most likely, she was doing everything all wrong.

“I can see the truth more clearly,” Kiki said, “because I’m not personally involved. I know this is unfamiliar and feels a little awkward, but it will be worth it in the end.”

Erin smiled. “You can’t expect me to believe that.”

“Why not? It’s true. Don’t you think Parker is worth the effort?”

Erin’s smile faded. Of course she did. She had to. She’d lost her heart to him. She gripped her fingers tightly together and wondered how everything had gotten so messed up. She’d fallen in love with Parker, then she’d lied about it. She’d told him that if they continued to be lovers, she would become too emotionally attached. The truth was physical intimacy would deepen an already existing attachment. She’d shied away from telling him her real feelings because she couldn’t face his rejection.

“I’ve made a mess of everything,” Erin said softly. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

Kiki stared at her. “I’m going to tell you something I probably shouldn’t, but I’ve been here too long for Parker to fire me, so I guess it’s safe. I’m doing this for his own good, and for yours. Parker is a good man.”

“I already figured out that part.”

Kiki winked. “I knew you were bright.” She thought for a moment. “I don’t know how much he told you about his family.”

“He mentioned that they never cared about his achievements, or about doing anything with their lives.”

The housekeeper nodded. “That’s all true. I met his parents once. They came here for dinner. They found fault with everything and admitted being disappointed that we didn’t have a television in the dining room so they could watch their favorite game show during dinner.”

“A real class act,” Erin said. “Didn’t they think the house was wonderful? What about the view? What about seeing their son?”

“I don’t think they cared. Certainly not about Parker. He’s very-” Kiki paused as if weighing her words. “He’s very good at what he does. He’s brilliant and inventive. He has a gift for figuring out what people are going to want and need before they do. He’s made a fortune, but none of that is important to him. He appreciates what the money buys, but if he lost everything tomorrow, I truly believe he wouldn’t care except for how it affected those around him. What I’m trying to say is he doesn’t see himself as brilliant or gifted. To him, he’s just a computer nerd who got lucky.”