I let them roll through me as I lean against the wall opposing the door. I’ve tried to be so strong and hold them in for so many days, but I can’t anymore. I’m disappointed in myself for still caring about him. Upset that I still want him to think about me. Pissed that he can affect me in so many ways. That he still makes my heart swell for him while my head acknowledges that he turned to Tawny when things between us went beyond the mandated Colton dating stipulations.

I ignore the gentle knock on the door, not wanting anyone to see me in such a wrecked state. The person persists and I try to rub away the tears from my cheeks knowing it’s useless. There is no way I can hide my crying jag. I snap my head up as the door opens and Colton slides inside, shutting it behind him and leaning against it.

I’m staggered by his presence in my office. He dominates the small space. It’s one thing to try and get over him when he’s not tangible, but when he is right in front of me—when I can touch him with my fingertips—it’s that much more unbearable. Our eyes lock onto each other’s and my mind whirls with so many things I want to say and so many things I fear to ask. The silence is so loud between us it’s deafening. Colton’s eyes are saying so much to me, asking so much of me, but I’m unable to respond.

He pushes off the door and takes a step toward me. “Rylee…” My name is a plea on his lips.

“No!” I tell him, my quiet yet useless defense against him. “No,” I say again with more resolve as he takes another step. “Don’t do this here, Colton. Please.”

“Ry…” He reaches out to touch me, and I bat his hand away.

“No.” My lip trembles as he stands inside my personal space. I look down at the ground. Anywhere but his eyes. “Not here, Colton. You don’t get to come into my work—my office—and take the one place that has been keeping me sane after what you did to me and taint it.” My voice breaks on my last words as a tear escapes and makes a path down my cheek. “Please…” I push against his chest to try and gain some distance, but I’m not quick enough because he grabs my wrists and holds them. The jolt of electricity still remaining between us has me gritting my teeth and fighting back more tears.

“Enough!” He grates out. “I’m not a patient man, Rylee. Never have been and never will be. I’ve given you your space, dealt with you ignoring me, but I have half a mind to tie you down to your chair and force you to listen to me. Keep it up and I will.”

“Let go!” I yank my wrists from him, needing to break the connection.

“I didn’t sleep with her, Rylee!” He grates out.

“I don’t want to hear the sordid details, Colton.” I have to stop him. I can’t listen to the lies. “Two words, condom wrapper.” I’m proud of myself for the quiet steel in my voice. Proud that I can process a thought when my insides are shredding.

“Nothing happened!” he snaps harshly at me as he paces the small confines of my office. “Absolutely nothing!”

“I’m not one of your typical airheads, Colton. I know what I saw and I saw—”

“Jesus fucking Christ woman, it was just a goddamn fucking kiss!” His implacable voice fills the room.

And empties my heart.

I force myself to swallow. To unheard what he’s said. “What?” I ask, disbelief dripping from my question as he grabs the back of his neck and pulls down on it, a grimace of regret on his face. “First you swear that nothing happened. Now you’re telling me that it was just a kiss. What next? You’re going to tell me you forgot that your dick accidentally slipped into her? The story keeps changing, but I’m supposed to believe that this time you’re telling the truth?” I laugh, hysteria mixed with the hurt bubbling up. “Last I checked, you didn’t need a condom to kiss someone.”

“It’s all just a misunderstanding. You’re totally blowing this out of proportion and I—”

A knock on the door jolts us from our bubble. It takes me a moment to find my voice and sound composed. “Yes?”

“Teddy needs you in five,” Stella says timidly through the door.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.” I close my eyes momentarily, resigning my soul to this continuous anger and hurt.

Colton clears his throat; his face clearly conflicted between forcing me to hash this out and allowing me to retain my dignity here at work. Reluctantly he nods his head in defeat. “I’ll go, Rylee. I’ll leave, but I’m not letting you run away from this—from us—until I get to have my say. This is by no means over. Understood?”

I just look at him, missing him so desperately but unable to wrap my head around telling him I love him and then him running into another woman’s arms. Unable to accept the ever-changing story about what happened between him and Tawny. I nod my head once, panic fluttering through my body when I realize that as much as I need distance, a part of me is relieved to know that I will get to see him again. It’s a silly thought seeing as the sight of him churns my stomach and causes my heart to hurt, but you can’t undo the addictive haze of love.

Tears well in my eyes as I brace myself when he leans in and places a lingering kiss on the top of my head. Chills dance up my spine despite my initial reaction to pull away from him in self-preservation.

He holds my head to his lips for a moment so that I can’t squirm away. “I had to see you, Rylee. I moved Heaven and earth to get that sponsorship so that I could call Teddy and tell him to let me present today.” My breath hitches at his words. I can feel his throat work a swallow as I drown in him despite the pain he’s inflicting. “It’s killing me that you won’t talk to me—that you won’t believe me—and I’m not sure what to do with how that makes me feel.” He pauses but keeps his cheek against my head, and I know opening up like this is difficult for him. “I can still feel you, Rylee. Your skin. The way you taste. Your lips when you smile against mine. Smell the vanilla you wear. Hear your laugh…you’re everywhere. You’re all I can think about.”

With those parting words, Colton turns and leaves my office, shutting the door behind him without looking back. I nearly cave. I nearly give into the urge to call his name and go back on the promises I made to myself long ago about what I deserve in a relationship. The memory of Tawny in his doorway draws me back to myself. Allows me to keep the slippery hold on my resolve.

I exhale slowly, trying to locate my composure because his words have undone me. They were the words I needed to hear weeks ago. The words I needed to hear in response to telling him I loved him. But now I’m just not sure if they’re too late. My stumbling heart says they’re not, but my sensible head says yes as it tries to protect my vulnerable feelings.

After a few minutes, I stop trembling and freshen up my make-up in time to participate in a smaller conference with the bigwigs from corporate. During the meeting, my cell phone vibrates signaling an incoming text, and I grab it quickly as to not interrupt the conversation. In my fleeting glance, I see the short text from Colton.

Sad by Maroon 5 - x C

I know the song. A man talking about the two paths of a relationship. A man admitting that he chose the wrong one to take. That he never said the words she needed to hear. That he realizes it now that she’s gone.

I take a small victory in knowing he’s affected by the turn of events, but it doesn’t feel good. Nothing about this situation feels good.

I hate that I want him to hurt as much as I do. I hate myself for wanting him even when he hurt me. And more than anything, I hate that he made me feel again because right now I just wish I could go back to being numb.

I pull myself from my thoughts and wonder for the hundredth time if Colton really misses me or if he’s once again trying to repair that fragile ego of his from being rejected.

Regardless, he’s a big boy and big boys have to take responsibility for their screwed up actions. He says nothing happened but it’s hard to believe when I saw them wearing the same pieces of a matching outfit.

Consequences. I’m sure that’s a word he’s never had to own up to before. I don’t plan on responding, but I do just for measure.

I Knew You Were Trouble – Taylor Swift.



“So you’re still not going to talk to him?”