Джорджетт Хейер - Frederica

“Well, not precisely,” said Frederica. “At least, I don’t think so. It’s this bit, you see. It’s a very wild place, and the dog had to be smuggled out, because the natives are hostile. And that’s why I said he was very rare. Indeed, he is the only Baluchistan dog in this country, isn’t he, cousin?”

“I devoutly hope he may be,” returned his lordship dryly.

“Well, all I have to say is that it makes it so much the worse!” declared the hatchet-faced lady. “The idea of bringing wild foreign animals into the park! Smuggled, too! I don’t scruple to tell you, my lord, that I very much disapprove of such practices, and I have a very good mind to report it to the Customs!”

“I’m afraid there are none,” he said apologetically, coming back in his leisurely way to the fireplace, and stretching out his hand to the bell-pull. “No postal service, either. You could send a messenger, I suppose, but it would be excessively costly, and the chances are that he would be murdered out of hand. It is really very difficult to know what to advise in such a case.”

“I am speaking of the English Customs, my lord!” she said, glaring at him.

“Oh, that wouldn’t be of the least use! I didn’t smuggle the dog into the country; I merely caused him to be smuggled out of Baluchistan.”

She said, in a voice that shook with passion: “However that may be, you have no right to let savage dogs loose in the park, and I shall report it to the proper authorities, and so I warn you, my lord!”

“My dear ma’am, what possible concern is it of mine if you choose to make a pea-goose of yourself? I may add that I am at a loss to understand what concern this unfortunate affair is of yours. You have informed me that my dog did not attack you — which I believe; you have also informed me that you came to my house because it was plain to you that, upon learning my rank, these men — whom you stigmatized as toadeaters — were ready to permit the dog to attack everyone in the park — which I do not believe! It appears to me that you have been indulging in a high piece of meddling. If I should be asked to give an account of this interview, I should feel myself bound to state that these men came, very properly, to inform me of my dog’s misdemeanor, and to request that he should be kept under restraint; but as they were accompanied, for what reason I know not, by an officious person, wanting in both manner and sense, who took it upon herself to usurp their authority, it was all too long before they were able to lay their complaint before me.” He glanced towards the open door, where Wicken stood, his countenance graven, and his brain seething with conjecture. “Be so good as to show this lady out!” he said. “And desire Mr Trevor to come to me!”

This masterly speech, listened to by Frederica with awe, and by the park-keepers with approval, cast the hatchet-faced lady into gobbling incoherence. Never, during the course of her overbearing career, had she been so much insulted, as she tried to inform his lordship. But his lordship, losing interest in her, merely helped himself to a pinch of snuff; and Wicken, interrupting her stammered utterance, said, in a voice devoid of all human passion: “If you please, madam!”

The hatchet-faced lady swept out of the room, spots of scarlet burning on her cheek-bones. No one, least of all Wicken himself, was surprised at her capitulation, the younger park-keeper going so far as to confide, later, to his senior, that he reckoned anyone would need to have uncommon good bottom to square up to that old Puffguts.

The cowman, however, while approving in general of the expulsion, was by no means mollified. He began to explain to the Marquis the enormity of Lufra’s crime, the dire results that could ensue from stampeding cows in milk, and the fate that would befall him at their owner’s hands if they were found to have suffered the least injury.

“Well, that isn’t likely!” said Frederica. “Anyone might suppose from the way you talk that they were chased all over the town, which they were not! Though, if you choose to keep cows in a public park, I must say — ”

“No, cousin, you must not!” intervened the Marquis, taking his revenge. “My instructions to you were to take Lufra to Hyde Park, and I hold you entirely to blame for this lamentable affair.”

Frederica, seeking refuge behind her handkerchief, said in trembling accents that she feared he was right.

“Have no fear!” said the Marquis, addressing himself to the cowman. “The matter shall be suitably adjusted! Ah, come in, Charles!”

Mr Trevor, considerably astonished by the scene that met his eyes, said: “You sent for me, sir?”

“I did, yes. This Baluchistan hound of mine, which my cousin offered to exercise for me, has been getting me into trouble. I regret to say that he — er — forgot himself amongst the cows in Green Park.”

Mr Trevor might have been momentarily staggered, but he was by no means slow-witted, and it did not need the warning glance directed at him from under his employer’s lazy eyelids to put him on his guard. He said calmly that he was sorry to hear it; and when he looked at the Baluchistan hound, who was sniffing interestedly at his legs, only the faintest twitch at the corners of his mouth disturbed the gravity of his expression.

“Just so!” said his lordship. “I knew you would be shocked, and I’m persuaded I can leave the matter in your hands.” He smiled, and added softly: “You are always to be depended on, Charles!” He then turned to the complainants, and said: “Mr Trevor will settle everything to your satisfaction, I trust, so go with him to his office! Ah! — two of the Deputy Ranger’s people, Charles, and the herdsman!”

He nodded dismissal to his visitors. They departed willingly, having correctly interpreted his words to mean that suitable largesse would presently be distributed amongst them, and feeling that Mr Trevor would be an easier man to deal with than the Marquis.

Charles signed to them to precede him out of the room, and when they had filed past him, lingered for a moment, looking at Frederica. “How much damage did he do, Miss Merriville?”

Emerging from her handkerchief, Frederica showed him not a tearful but a laughing countenance. “Oh, I don’t think he hurt the cows at all, because we caught him before he had time to!”

“In that case, then — ”

“No, Charles!” interposed the Marquis. “My sole desire is to be rid of the business, and this is not the moment to be clutch-fisted!”

“Oh, I’ll see to it that you’re rid of it, sir!” said Charles cheerfully, and withdrew.

“Well, what an excellent young man!” said Frederica.

“He is, isn’t he?” agreed Alverstoke.

She looked up at him. “Yes, and you too! You were truly splendid, and I am very much obliged to you! Oh, and I do beg your pardon for having embroiled you! The thing was, you see, that they threatened to impound Luff, and only think what the consequences might have been! That was why I said he belonged to you.” A gurgle of laughter rose in her throat. “L-like P-puss in Boots!”

“Like what?” he demanded.

“M-my cousin the M-Marquis of Alverstoke!” she explained. “You know!”

“No doubt I am extremely dull-witted, but I — ”

He broke off, as enlightenment dawned on him, and the frown left his brow. “Oh! — the Marquis of Carabas!”

“Of course! And it answered! Except with that horrid creature you gave such a set-down to! I never in my life heard anything so ruthlessly uncivil, but I must own that I enjoyed it!” She began to laugh again. “Oh, but you nearly overset me when you said Luff was a Baluchistan hound! And so you shall be, you bad dog!”

Gratified, Lufra reared himself on his hind legs, and licked her face. She pushed his forepaws off her knees, and got up. “You are a shameless commoner!” she informed him. She raised her eyes to Alverstoke’s and held out her hand. “Thank you!” she said, smiling at him. “I must go now. You will tell me, won’t you, how much Mr Trevor was obliged to pay those men?”

“Just a moment!” he said. “You haven’t explained to me how it comes about that you were walking alone, cousin.”

“No,” she agreed. “But then, you haven’t explained to me how it comes about that that is your concern, have you?”

“I am perfectly ready to do so, however. Whatever may be the accepted mode in Herefordshire, in London it won’t do. Girls of your age and breeding don’t go about town unaccompanied.”

“Well, in general I don’t do so, and, naturally, I would never permit Charis to. But I’m not a girl. I daresay you might think me one, being yourself so much older, but I promise you I ceased to be a young miss years ago! And, in any event, I am not answerable to you for my actions, Cousin Alverstoke!”

“Oh, yes, you are!” he retorted. “If you expect me to launch you into society, Frederica, you will conform to society’s rules! You’ll either do as I bid you, or I shall wash my hands of you. If you are determined to set the world in a bustle, find another sponsor!”

She flushed, and her lips parted. But whatever stinging reply she had been about to utter she suppressed, closing her lips firmly. After a pause, she managed to smile, and to say: “I daresay you would be very happy to wash your hands of us, after today’s adventure.”

“Oh, no!” he said coolly. “You may put that out of your mind!”

“That is precisely what I can’t do, though I wish very much that I could, because it almost slays me to be compelled to keep my tongue between my teeth!” she told him. “I should dearly love to come to cuffs with you, my lord, but I’m not sunk quite below reproach — though I must say I think you are!” she added frankly.