But I couldn't find the strength to just wash my hands and walk the fuck away.

I lay on my bed late Wednesday night, sifting through the text messages she'd sent me throughout the week with no response. As badly as I wanted to respond, I just couldn’t do it because by responding, I was thrusting myself back into the same spot that had mind fucked me, had ripped my integrity away, and left me worthless.


Cassie: Hey! Is everything okay?


Cassie: Text me to let me know you're good.


Cassie: Ignoring me through text and in person is so cool of you. Not sure what I did, but you shut down quickly. WTF?


Cassie: Well, thanks for being a prick, Alex.


The self-restraint I had somehow lost the second my eyes landed on Cassie had come back to me. As much as I wanted to respond, to even pick up the phone, call her, hear her soft and sensual voice, or even just listen to the light breaths leaving her delectable mouth, I just couldn’t do it.

Had I been everything I was supposed to be since meeting her? Fuck no. I had turned into quite the opposite, and I had no choice but to find myself, the old Alex, the overly motivated and gung-ho Alex, who let nothing come between me and the mission. Never before had I been tempted to such extremes and failed so miserably.

So why was finding myself killing me in the process? Had I become someone else? The answers to those questions didn't come easily. They played with my head, dangling me over a cliff, threatening to drop me with no help in sight. I was lost…lost without a soul around to help me through it.

A hard knock pounded on my bedroom door.

"Hey, man. Riley threw some steaks on the grill. Come and get some before we eat it all."

I fixed my hardened gaze on Jensen, not saying a word before his face scrunched.

"What the fuck, man? You got some incredible news. What's wrong with you? You've been coming home, locking yourself back here for the past few days."

My expression didn’t change. He was a serious source of contention for me. And even if things between us were back to being civil, deep inside I still harbored a bit of animosity towards him.

"Fuck it. If you want some, you know where to go."

He closed the door, leaving me to fester in my shit stain mood and billowing anger. This wasn't a good mixture, and I felt like at any moment I was going to combust, violently.

The next morning, standing in front of the class, I worked hard on the training that I had been giving myself for the past few days. I figured out how to scan the room without allowing my eyes to land directly on Cassie. If I did, it would be the end of me. I couldn't take looking at her because by looking at her, I knew I was only inviting myself to take the route back to self-destruction and that was the last thing I needed.

Or so I thought.

"Because so many of you performed less than exceptional on the last test, we have a bit of an incentive for you. Hopefully this will wake your asses up. I don’t want any of you in any unit with me, in combat, with average scores tagged onto your ass. If people can't communicate, we lose fellow Marines. You need to know your shit. You understand that?"

"Yes, Sergeant," the class called out. Cassie's voice, as soft and fragile as it could be at times, stood out amongst all of the rest. I tried blocking it out, not wanting it to seep in and knock me off my post again.

 Sgt. Newsome stepped forward, giving the details for the challenge.

"Alright," he said, clapping his hands together, "the person who has the highest average for this last test and the next two coming up before the field training op, will be pulled from the duty rotation."

Chatter began to fill the room as excited and eager faces lit up at the prospect of escaping a night of duty.

As soon as the word duty hit my ears, my last duty night came crashing back into me. That night, the risk, the sweet reward, and the utter frustration at the end of it...it swept in like a tidal wave, taking my focus away from everything else in that moment.

I stole a quick glance in her direction, knowing ahead of time that I shouldn't have, but did it anyway. She was looking at me, not with the same desire that usually shone through her sex craving eyes, but with something more along the lines of emptiness. She didn’t look sad, but she wasn't as vibrant as she normally was.

Damn!

I fucking hated myself all over again. I did this. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was also hurting the only girl who had taken me, shook me, and claimed me. All because I was a selfish bastard.

After speaking to Jensen and Newsome, I walked out of the classroom. There was no way I was going to be able to stand in there one second longer without losing my shit. As I walked out, passing just a row over from where Cassie sat, I caught a whiff of that restraint breaking vanilla aroma, and it sent my mind into overdrive. I picked up the pace, plowing through the door and stomping down to my office before I turned around and really punished myself.

Unfortunately, later that night, I was stuck with inspecting the rooms on Cassie's floor. As soon as I found out the others had already divvied up their assignments, frustration tore through me like a jackknife. I was either the world's biggest asshole, and I deserved the torment that came with having to see her in every location possible, or my attempts at staying away from her were unrealistic and an utter waste of time. Either way, having to see her so close to me and not being able to touch her was unnecessary misery.

After inspecting the room directly next door to hers, I gathered myself before turning for her room. No way was I going to walk in there, unprepared and fail myself. I swallowed, took a couple of deep breaths, then confidently walked into her room, greeting her and Ruiz on the way in.

"Good evening, ladies."