Monica Murphy - Four Years Later

He didn’t mean anything by implying he wanted to … me. Heaven forbid he misled me in any way.

“I get it. Really.” I smile, but it feels forced. Like I’m baring my teeth or something. “Don’t forget to turn in your assignments tomorrow.”

I turn away from him and hurry toward the door, ready to make my escape. My heart pounds with my every quick step and I need to get out of here quickly. I can’t take this any longer.

Being in Owen’s presence messes with my head. He’s too much.

And I am definitely not enough.

“I won’t forget.” He’s right behind me, lightning quick, and he reaches out around me, grabbing hold of the handle so he can open the door for me. “I’m sorry, Chelsea, if I embarrassed you. I didn’t mean to.”

I stand there in the middle of the open doorway, closing my eyes for the briefest second as the sound of his voice saying my name washes over me. I really love it when he says my name. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t like anything about Owen Maguire. “You didn’t. I’m fine. I just … I need to go and get ready for work. Thanks for the Chinese food.”

And with those last, extremely lame words, I escape from his house as if the very devil were chasing me.

Owen

“How’s the tutoring going? Are your grades picking up?” Fable asks, sounding distracted. I hear the baby coo in the background and I know she’s holding Autumn. Fable can’t seem to concentrate on just me anymore. She’s always multitasking and juggling a million things at once.

Sometimes, when I have these thoughts, I yearn for the old days. When it felt like it was just me and Fable against the world, doing whatever we had to do in order to survive. When I could take off and claim I was with Wade at his house when really the two of us were out fucking around. My biggest responsibility back then had been homework.

Oh, and taking care of Fable and my mom. That had always weighed heavily on my shoulders.

It still does.

“They are. I turned in a bunch of assignments at the end of last week.” I’d even been allowed to come to Saturday’s game, though they hadn’t let me play. I sat on the bench the entire time, suited up and ready to go out onto the field, but the coach wouldn’t let me.

I think he had me sit there to prove a point.

See what you can’t have?

It worked. I slaved away on the portfolio for my Creative Writing class most of Sunday. Begged my boss at The District to start giving me more hours again when I went in to work my lame-ass four-hour shift that evening. And I plan on going to practice later tonight after I meet with Chelsea and hopefully present my coaches with my new grades so they’ll allow me to play.

My life is coming together again. I’m getting back on track, and this is a good thing.

So why do I feel this nagging, incessant buzz just beneath my skin, as if I’m forgetting something or someone?

Chelsea.

Yeah. She’s pissed at me. I went in to see her after that semi-disastrous night with her at my house and she’d been distant. Not cold or bitchy, but … preoccupied. All business, no friendliness, and she’d shot out of her chair and exited the room the minute our hour was over. Didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

It sucked.

“Your coach called Drew,” Fable says nonchalantly.

I collapse in the overstuffed chair in my room, sitting on top of the pile of clothes I always leave there as I lean my head back and close my eyes. This could be either really good or really bad. “What did he say?”

“That he’s impressed with the way you’re playing and wishes he could have you back on the team. Drew said he’s eager to work with you again. He can’t wait for you to pick up your grades.” She pauses. “Sounds like you’ve done that. I’m proud of you, Owen.”

“My English teacher said she talked to my tutor and that my grades are going to be updated within the next couple of days,” I say.

“That’s awesome. So you like the tutor, then? You two get along and it’s working out?”

Wish she were working out beneath me, but that’s definitely not going to happen. I screwed all that up by being a crude asshole and offending her. “She’s nice. Super smart.”

“Cute?”

“Gimme a break, Fabes.” I crack open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. Chelsea is more than cute. She’s beautiful. Intelligent. Sweet. And she hates me. Because I’m a foul-mouthed idiot who acts like a little boy every time I get near her.

“That means you think she’s cute.”

“She’s out of my league.” The words leave me before I can stop myself. No way did I want to admit that to my sister.

“Please. No one is out of your league. You’re good-looking, smart, and you’re on the freaking football team. What girl wouldn’t want you?” She bursts into laughter. “What am I saying? I ran from Drew as fast and far as I could when I first met him. Maybe you intimidate her.”

“No, that’s not it.” She intimidates me. Chelsea has her shit together. I’m just some jackass still out fucking around, smoking too much weed, trying to please someone who’s only using me for money—and just so happens to be my mother—and I can’t keep my life together unless someone is right there beside me with a checklist, asking if I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. “Why am I even having this conversation with you? There’s nothing going on between me and Chelsea.”

“Oooh, Chelsea. Your voice changed when you said her name. Got all soft and stuff. I think you like her.” Fable’s teasing me, just giving me shit, but it cuts too close to the bone.

Because I do like her. In more than a hey, let’s bang kind of way, too. I like talking to her. Looking at her, just basking in her presence. She offers up these little tidbits about herself that are never enough for me. I want to know more, more, more, but I don’t push. I’m afraid she’ll push back. I have enough secrets—she’d go running if she discovered them.

But Chelsea? She’s a mystery. And I desperately want to figure her out.

“My voice did not change.” Jesus, she may be a wife and mother, but Fable is still my pain-in-the-ass sister sometimes.

“It so did. Say her name again.”

“No.” I push out of the chair and go to the mirror that hangs on the back of my bedroom door. I need to get a shirt on and get to school soon. Probably should take a shower before I do all that because …

Yeah. Because I’m seeing Chelsea today.

Sucker.

“Oh come on, Owen. Say it. I dare you to.”

Hell. She knows that’s my weakness. “Fine.” I heave an exaggerated sigh. I think Fable’s enjoying this.

Correction: I know Fable’s enjoying this. I miss her. I think she misses me, too. I hate that she’s so far away, but I guess I shouldn’t complain. Drew could be playing for a team clear across the country. I’d never see them then.

“Okay. Repeat after me.” She pauses and I can hear the baby coo again, a soft, sweet little sound that strikes me right in my heart. Damn it, I wish we were all in the same room together. “‘I’m in love with Chelsea.’”

Now it’s my turn to burst out laughing. “I am definitely not saying that.”

“Spoilsport.” She laughs, too, but it’s tinged with sadness. I need to go see her. I don’t know when I can find the time, but I want to see Fable and the baby and Drew. I want to watch Drew play live. It’s been too long.

I miss my family.

“I don’t ever plan on falling in love,” I say, turning away from the mirror so I don’t have to see myself when I say something like that. It’s such a macho, assholish remark and I know Fable’s going to give me shit.

Maybe I said it on purpose so I can get her to stop talking about Chelsea.

“You can’t make such a broad statement like that. It’s guys like you who are the ones that fall hard and fast. Just ask Drew,” she says, ever my wise and level-headed sister.

“Whatever. Love is for sissies.” I flop onto my unmade bed and stare up at the ceiling, cradling the phone between my shoulder and ear. “I should go, Fabes. I need to get to class soon.”

“Be good, okay? Have fun with your tutor. What’s her name again?” She asks the question innocently, trying to get a rise out of me, but I don’t take the bait.

“Chelsea.” I say her name again because I want to. I like how it rolls off my tongue. And yeah, my voice did soften when I said it, but I’m not going to examine that too closely.

I might not like what I discover.

“Yes. Chelsea.” Her voice softens, too. It’s taking everything within her not to make total fun of me. She’s a total brat. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do with your precious Chelsea.”

“Ha, that leaves it wide open.” I laugh.

“Jerk,” she says good-naturedly. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, Fabes.” I hang up and toss the phone onto the mattress beside me, my gaze locked on the ceiling fan circling lazily above my head. Inhaling deep, I recognize the pungent smell of weed and I wrinkle my nose.

No way can I bring a girl into my room with it smelling like this.

You’re not thinking of just any girl. You’re thinking of …

I close my eyes and fight my thoughts about Chelsea. I don’t know her that well. There’s really nothing to know. Within the next few weeks, everything will be over between us and I’ll never see her again. We definitely don’t run in the same social circles.

Resting my hand on my chest, I feel my heartbeat beneath my palm. The steady thud, thud, thud letting me know I’m alive. But I don’t feel alive. Not really. Everything just … happens. I work hard and it’s the same old thing. I work not as hard and it’s still the same thing.