Sophie Oak - Found in Bliss

And just like that, she really, truly understood that this wasn’t a game for Alexei. He really thought they could make this whole thing work. He wanted it to work. He wanted her and not for a little while. He wasn’t biding his time.

“Nothing has been real for you, has it?” She thought about what his life had been like. He’d told her in his letters. He’d written long passages about what his life had been like since his brother had been killed. Every moment of his adult life had been a lie. He’d lied to go into the mob, and he’d hidden huge pieces of himself to stay alive.

He shook his head sadly. “No, my dushka. It has not been real. This is real to me. I want for your happiness. I see you with Caleb, and you are so happy with him. You are in love with him. I will take that as consolation. I cannot be the third. I cannot be the one who is merely here for fun.”

He meant every word he’d said to her. She’d discounted him because he was so much younger, but he knew what he wanted. He’d said he wanted her, and he’d meant it. He didn’t play games anymore. He needed something real. He wouldn’t accept less. She finally got it.

She had power over both these men. She would never abuse it. It was a gift she’d waited for all of her life.

She didn’t bother to cover herself up now. The instinct had been so strong just an hour before, and now it had fled. It was right to be naked in front of Alexei. He was hers. He’d offered that huge heart to her on a silver platter, and she’d been too insecure to see it. She wasn’t stupid enough to turn him away. Beneath his rough, gorgeous exterior was a man with a breathtakingly beautiful soul. “Alexei, I love you, too.”

He shook his head. “No. You do not have to say.”

She took his face between her palms. “Alexei, I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ll say it until you believe it.”

He looked up at her, his eyes so serious. “I love you. I never say this to any woman except my mother. No woman but you.”

She took his hand and led him to the bed. She lay down and pulled him on top of her. “Make love to me.”

“With much pleasures, dushka.”

He spread her legs and worked his way inside after rolling a condom on his cock. Holly sighed as the pleasure built, and she vowed she would do anything to keep her men.

Caleb gingerly rolled out of bed, praying he didn’t wake either of the people currently sleeping under the soft quilts. Holly was exhausted. And probably sore. Yet she hadn’t turned them away. Caleb had taken her twice followed each time by Alexei, as though neither of them could stand to not take their fair share out of her gorgeous hide.

She’d welcomed them. She’d held out her arms each time and welcomed them into her body. It had felt like coming home.

She loved him.

What the fuck had he done?

He glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning. He couldn’t stay in bed. He was too antsy, his eyes constantly going to the door. There was a thin line of light coming from under the door, taunting him. It had taken just about everything he’d had to lie there and wait for them to fall asleep. He’d simply watched the door, waiting for it to open and something terrible to crawl through. Something terrible always came through.

Wolf was so right. He’d never really left that damn box.

He scrubbed a hand through his hair and wished he was a better man. He glanced back and Holly was lying there, the moonlight hitting her face. So fucking gorgeous. She turned as though she realized he wasn’t in bed any longer and sought the other source of warmth. Alexei’s arms came around her, and she sighed as she settled back down. They nestled together, obviously warm and happy.

They didn’t need him. He was free to go. He’d done exactly what he’d promised. He’d given her a night of passion. He’d given her a fantasy. So why did it feel like it had been his own fantasy that had come true? One he didn’t even realize he’d had. For those hours, he’d been happy. He’d been focused on her. He’d belonged.

As quietly as he could, he walked across the floor, closing the door behind him. He made a beeline for the bathroom. He turned on the light and washed up as best he could. He didn’t want to shower. He smelled like her. How long could he go before he ran patients off?

He looked up in the mirror and stared. When the hell had he stopped trying? The man who looked back at him seemed older, more gaunt than he remembered himself being. He was sleepwalking through life, and he couldn’t quite make himself wake up.

He loved Holly. He couldn’t say it to her. He felt it in his soul, but she deserved more. And maybe he deserved far less.

He hadn’t thought about Caroline once after he’d started making love to Holly. All of the other women he’d fucked had somehow morphed into her. She was a ghost who constantly clung to him. He hadn’t loved her. He’d thought he had in the beginning, but they had become two completely separate people. She’d begged him not to go into the jungle. She’d told him he would die out there.

She’d been the one to die. How was he supposed to be happy after he’d caused so much misery?

It was better to leave. Alexei had offered him everything he could have hoped for. He could enjoy Holly in the only way he was capable of. He thought briefly about leaving town permanently, but he was honest enough that he knew he wouldn’t. He would come back as often as they would let him. He would be their third because it was all he would allow himself. He would watch as they moved in together, built a life together, and he showed up for sex. It was pathetic, but he would do it because he couldn’t walk away. He needed this place. He needed her.

And he needed to leave.

He slipped out of the bathroom and started to look for his pants.

“You leave so soon?” Alexei’s voice startled him. Caleb nearly jumped out of his skin. Which was also all he was wearing.

“Damn it. You can’t do that to a person.” Now that there wasn’t a woman in the room, two dudes talking with their junk hanging out seemed wrong. He skipped the underwear and went straight for the jeans, scooping them off the floor and stepping into them as quickly as he could.

“You sneak out, I sneak up. There is no difference.” Alexei didn’t seem bothered by the whole nude dude thing.

Crap. He wasn’t expecting to deal with Alexei. Alexei was supposed to be perfectly happy to see his ass leave. Alexei should have stayed curled around Holly. “Go back to bed, man. I’m going to head home.”

“You have trouble sleeping?” Alexei’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully.

“I don’t sleep much, no.” He looked around for his shirt. The room was littered with hastily tossed off clothes. Holly’s dress had been thrown across the long sofa. Her shoes had made it to the tiny kitchen. There was a bra on the fireplace. He located Alexei’s slacks hanging over the TV and tossed them his way. “If we’re going to have a conversation, put on some pants, man.”

“Americans.” Alexei pulled his slacks on while shaking his head. “We will not mind if you toss and turn. Come back to bed, my friend. In morning, we will make love to Holly all over again.”

They might mind when he woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. They certainly might mind when he punched and kicked, trying to get out of the cage he found himself in every night when he closed his eyes. He could hurt Holly. He hadn’t actually hurt anyone in a while, but it could always come back. He couldn’t risk it. “No.”

A long sigh came from Alexei’s mouth. “Yes, that would be answer. You say no a lot, Caleb. We must find things for you to say yes to.”

He made it sound so damn simple. “I’m not saying I won’t come back.”

“You simply will not to sleep with her. Or is it me?”

Fuck, this was so awkward. “You seriously think I would fuck with you in the same room, but I won’t sleep in the same bed? No. It’s not that. I just don’t like to sleep with anyone.”

There was a long pause as though Alexei was trying to figure out just how to deal with him. This was precisely why Caleb had stayed out of relationships. He didn’t want to be figured out.

“Is it because of what happen in Sierra Leone, Dr. Sommerville?”

Alexei’s words stopped him in his tracks. It was as though Alexei had just pulled the pin on a grenade, and now Caleb had to wait to see if it was going to go off and kill them all. “You know who I am.”

Alexei shrugged. “I had not much to do in witness protection. Your family is very celebrated. It was not difficult. There were many, many articles about your family. One of the US Marshals I worked with thought she recognized you in the hospital. Why do you hide this? You are hero, Caleb.”

Some fucking hero. He’d led ten people to their deaths. His wife. Two nurses. Three local aid workers. Five patients who had come to his clinic seeking anyone who could help them and their children. They had all been slaughtered because a group of soldiers had seen a spectacularly heady payday.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He never talked about it.

Alexei shook his head. “I do not be understanding, Caleb. I know what happen in Africa was bad, but it was not your fault. You were victim.”

“I took them there.” He’d led them into hell.

“You take them to help people,” Alexei insisted. “You take them to bring medicine and healing to people with no hope.”

Yes, he’d done it for that reason, but it was more complex than just that. He’d also done it to get away from a marriage that wasn’t working. His charity work had become his world. He’d ignored everyone and everything because it was easier to focus on people who only needed him for his skill. He should have known that Caroline would turn to another man. If he’d had half a heart, he would have freed her before he went into the jungle. If he’d done that, she wouldn’t have come after him in search of her divorce. “You don’t know anything about it, Markov.”