Sandi Lynn - Forever Black

“This isn’t your first bout with it, is it?” Holy mother of pearl, I bet she’s going to bring up my suicide attempt; great first impression.

I heavily sighed, “No it isn’t. I was first diagnosed with cancer when I was sixteen.”

 At that point Connor decided to make an appearance. He heard what I said as he came from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“It came back recently, but she’s in a trial study program in California so everything is good at the moment. She’s doing fine and she’s going to be fine, so there’s nothing more to discuss.”

His tone was commanding and everyone knew it. I smiled as I pulled him out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

 “How could you not tell me about Aunt Sadie?” I asked furiously as I hit him in the chest.

“Ouch Elle, that hurt.”

“That’s not the only thing that’s going to hurt Connor Black.”

A smug smirk blew across his face as he looked at me, “Promise baby?”

“Ugh you make me so mad,” I whispered as I turned the opposite way.

He wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “I’m sorry, I never took much stock in what Aunt Sadie had to say, I always thought she was kind of crazy.”

“Your family must think I’m a walking disaster of a human being and probably wondering what the hell you’re doing with me.”

He squeezed me tight, “They love you, I can tell and it doesn’t matter what they think about our relationship, I love you for all that you are, nothing less, and for the record, I think you’re a beautiful disaster.”

I laid my head back on his chest and looked up as he leaned down to kiss me. I bit his lip for that beautiful disaster comment.

“Ouch, you really need to save this shit for the bedroom Ellery; you have no idea how much you’re turning me on with all your hitting and biting.” I couldn’t help to laugh and turn around to gently lick his bitten lip.

Dinner was exceptional and the rest of the day went smooth. Cassidy and I talked about our jobs while Connor sat on the floor and played with Camden. We both stared at them as Camden was teaching Connor how to stack the blocks.

“I have never seen my brother as happy as he is right now,” she said to me.

I smiled and looked over at him, “He’s a very special man.”

Just then Jenny interrupted, “Ellery how did you and my son meet?”

 A smile spread across my face as Connor looked at me with fear in his eyes. I decided to spare him the embarrassment and replied, “We met at a club.”

She smiled, “Well, lucky for him you were there.” I smiled back and looked at the relief that washed over his face.

I was leaning over the bathroom sink washing my face as Connor was getting undressed. “I loved watching you with Camden today; it was so special and sweet.”

“Yeah, well he’s a pretty special kid.”

I folded the wash cloth and put it on the sink. “It made me think of some things.”

We walked out of the bathroom and I opened the drawer to take out my nightshirt.

“What things?” he asked hesitantly.

“I don’t know; just how good you are with him and…”

Instantly he cut me off, “I can’t have children Elle; I took care of that years ago.”

My back was turned to him and his words shredded their way through my body. I took in a deep breath and continued to undress and get into my night-shirt. The air that surrounded us changed.

“Aren’t you going to respond to that?” he asked.

I turned around, “Ok, why didn’t you tell me that before?” I was feeling a little betrayed that he wouldn’t have told me that sooner in our relationship. Maybe he thought it wasn’t necessary to because I was going to die anyway.

“I don’t know it just didn’t seem to ever be appropriate.”

Then it came, the words only my mouth would say, “Was it because you thought I was going to die and it didn’t matter if I never knew?”

The look on his face broke and anguish washed over him, “How could you say that?”

I turned to face the window, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, and anyway, I don’t want kids; with my fucked up family genes the kid wouldn’t stand a chance.”

He walked over to me and put his arms around me and pulled me into him. “Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s the truth. My mother dying of cancer, father an alcoholic, me having cancer twice; think about it Connor, the child would be doomed the minute it was conceived.” It killed me to say those words, but it was the truth and I was being honest with him.

“You’re wrong and I don’t want you talking like that ever again.”

I loosened myself from his grip, “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway because neither of us wants kids, so end of discussion.” I walked across the room over to the dresser and grabbed the lotion bottle.

“Does it bother you that I can’t have children?”

“No, like I said, it’s for the best anyway.”

 I was lying, it did bother me, and it bothered me that he didn’t tell me. I braced myself as I asked the next question.

“Why did you do it Conner?”

He took in a sharp breath, “Do you really want to hear the answer to that Elle?”

I didn’t, but I did. I needed to hear him say it. “Yes I do, since we’re being honest and not keeping secrets, tell me.”

He swallowed hard and didn’t say anything; I don’t think the words would come out of his mouth, but my mouth had no problems at all.

“Since you can’t say anything, let me say it for you. You were never going to fall in love and that meant never having kids, so why torture yourself with only experiencing half pleasure every time you fucked a woman when you could experience the whole natural pleasure and not have a worry in the world, except being ignorant about STD’s.”

His face fell and anger grew in his eyes. He was genuinely pissed at what I said.

“I’m not even going to respond to something as fucked up as that,” he yelled. He continued his rant. “You are pissed that I can’t have kids.  Aren’t you the one who said she doesn’t believe in happily ever after’s and fairytale romances?”

All I could think about as he was yelling at me was how since meeting him he changed all that for me, but obviously I didn’t do the same for him. I walked over to the floor where I left my pants and pulled them on.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he yelled.

“I’m not staying here tonight; you’re a dick and I don’t want to be near you right now.”

“I’m a dick?” he laughed.

“You’re the one being a bitch and overreacting about me not being able to have kids.”

Did he just call me a bitch? I spun around, “I’m a bitch because you didn’t tell me about this sooner?”

The anger and darkness now consumed his eyes, “You really want to go there Ellery about not telling each other things.” He was now bringing up the cancer and he was hitting below the belt.

“I regretted that from day one and you know it,” my voice was yelling. “How dare you throw that in my face.”

“Then I guess we’re even,” he yelled.

Oh he shouldn’t have said that. My blood was boiling and my veins were pulsating full of anger.

“Maybe it’s best you stay in the guest room tonight, till we both cool off.”

I spun around and pointed my finger at him, “I’m not staying in the guest room; I’m going home to my apartment you so graciously call a box.”

“Really Ellery, you’re going to run?” He waved his hand. “Why not, it’s what you do best anyway.”

Tears filled my eyes at his cold words as I stormed out of the bedroom and out of his penthouse. He didn’t come after me which told me he was really pissed off.

The night air was cold as I looked around the crowded streets of New York. I realized I didn’t have my keys so going back to my apartment wasn’t an option. I waited for a text or call or even for him to tell me was sorry and take me back upstairs with him, but he didn’t. I hailed a cab and had him take me to the nearest hotel. I was weak and exhausted as I laid myself on the bed. I looked at my phone hoping if I stared at it long enough he would call me and tell me he’s sorry.

I fell asleep sprawled across the bed and was rudely awoken from an incoming text. “Where the fuck are you? I went to your apartment and you weren’t there.”

I rolled my eyes and quickly typed my response. “It’s none of your business where I am, remember I’m doing what I do best.”

Within seconds I received another text, “You are behaving like a child and I don’t like it; now get your ass back to my penthouse.”

Shit, you talk about adding fuel to the fire; he was sure doing an exceptional job at it. I responded, “I think we need time apart to think about what each of us said last night.”

A sudden reply that broke my heart came through. “I think so to and when you stop behaving like a selfish child, then call me and we can talk.”

I did the only thing I normally do, I threw my phone against the wall and it shattered. I sighed and took a hot shower, sobbing as the water ran down my body.

I bent down to pick up the broken pieces that was once my phone. I really need to get that under control and stop throwing things. I walked to the cellular store and purchased the same phone with my same number. I can say I didn’t care about my phone, but I did because what if Peyton needed me or what if Connor needed me.

A few days passed and I barely left the hotel room. I read and drew pictures of things I wanted to eventually put on a canvas. Connor didn’t attempt to make any contact with me and it hurt. I was too stubborn to make the first move; his words stilled burned in my heart. I sat and thought maybe I should just book a flight and go back to California. My next treatment was next week so I needed to get back anyway. I didn’t want to leave him and this time apart was killing me. I hated how I grew so dependent on him. I needed to talk to him and apologize. I was out of line and shouldn’t have gotten so angry. We could have talked things out but instead I ran. Connor was right; it’s what I do best. I swallowed my pride and walked to his penthouse that was right on the next block.