Kathleen Winsor - Forever Amber

His eyes were bloodshot and he looked as though he had not shaved for days, nor perhaps slept either, for his face was haggard and his clothes rumpled. Surprised to find him there and in that condition she stood perfectly still for a moment, sniffling unconsciously though the tears had stopped at sight of him, and one hand went up to wipe her streaked face.

“Well,” he said quietly at last. “So your Aunt Sarah died. Nothing else, I suppose, could make you look like that.”

Amber was wary, for she could not be sure if that was sarcasm in his voice. But she did not think—if he knew where she had been—that he would be so still and calm. “Yes,” she said. “Poor Aunt Sarah. It was a mighty bad shock to me—she was the only mother I ever—”

“Don’t trouble yourself to lie to me. I know where you’ve been and who you’ve been with.” He spoke between his teeth, biting off each word with a savage snap, and though his voice did not rise she saw all at once that he was insanely, murderously angry. She opened her mouth to make some denial but he cut her off. “What kind of a fool do you take me for? Don’t you suppose it ever occurred to me to wonder why that brat of yours had the same first name he has? But you’d made me so many promises—Oh, you’d never be unfaithful to the man who loved you, not you! I was determined to believe in you and trust you no matter what happened. And then both of you went out of town at the same time—You ungrateful jilting little slut—I’ve been here four days and nights, waiting for you to come back—Do you have any idea what I’ve been through since you went? Of course you don’t! You’ve never thought about anyone but yourself in all your life—You’ve never cared who you hurt if you got what you wanted—You selfish, mercenary, whoring little bitch, I should kill you—I’d like to kill you—I’d like to watch the breath go out of you—”

His voice went on in a low monotonous tone that did not sound like him and his face was twisted with rage and sickness and jealousy into something she could scarcely recognize. This was a man she had never known existed beneath the quiet gentle Rex Morgan she had taken so casually for granted; this was some malevolent, savage stranger.

Amber stared at him in terror. She took a step or two backward, intending to turn and run if he made the slightest move. Slowly he started toward her. And like a frightened animal she whirled, but he was quicker; before she knew what was happening he had grabbed her arm and jerked her back again. She screamed, but he clapped one hand over her mouth and gave her head a vicious shake.

“Shut up, you lousy little coward! I’m not going to hurt you!” He was straining every nerve and muscle, exhausted by jealousy and sleeplessness, to hold his fury in leash. Amber’s eyes looked up at him, big and glittering with fear, but the grasp he had on her was so tight she could not have moved if she had tried. “I want you to live—I want you to live long enough to know how I’ve felt—I want you to live and wish you were dead because he is—” Suddenly he let her go.

Relieved, Amber shook herself a little. She had scarcely realized what he was saying but now, as he started out, she looked up suddenly. “Where are you going?” All at once she understood what he had meant. “Rex! You’re not going to fight him!”

“I’m going to fight him, and kill him.”

Confident that her own life was no longer in danger, Amber gave him a scowl of contemptuous disgust. “You’re crazy, Rex Morgan, if you do! He’s a better swordsman than you are—”

He slammed his hat onto his head, picked up his cloak and went swiftly out of the room. At the door he knocked into Nan and Tansy and Jeremiah just coming in with their arms full of boxes, but he brushed on by without a word of apology.

Nan caught her balance and her blue eyes widened as she turned to watch him running down the stairs. “Where’s he going in such a rage, mam?” She looked back anxiously at Amber. “He’s not going to fight Lord Carlton!”

“He’s a fool if he does!” muttered Amber, and turned away.

But Nan whirled about, and started down the stairs after him, crying, “Captain Morgan! Captain Morgan! Come back here!”

AN HOUR LATER Bruce came to her rooms.

He walked in swiftly when Nan opened the door, and there was a dark scowl on his face that did not clear when Amber came running out of the bedroom in her dressing-gown. Her eager expectant smile disappeared as she saw his angry expression.

“Why, Bruce! What is it? What’s happened?”

He crossed to her and gave her a folded sheet of paper on which the seal had been broken. “Look at this! It was just brought to me at Almsbury House!”

She took it and began to read:

“Sir: You have done me an injury which one gentleman may not accept from another. I will see you tomorrow morning at five in Marrowbone Fields, where Tyburn Brook meets the road. Have your sword in your hand. Or I shall be at your service at the earliest time you shall appoint.

“Your servant, sir,

“CAPTAIN REX MORGAN.”

The handwriting was scratchy and the pen had splattered several times, streaking the page with black ink.

In his rage Rex had ignored half the formal appointments for a duel, for it was customary to let the challenged name the time and the place and the weapon. Nor had he said anything of seconds, either one or two of which were usually selected by each man, according to the French style of fighting imported into England and already responsible for many unnecessary deaths.

Amber looked up at him, giving back the note. “Well?”

“Well! Is that all you have to say! for the love of God, Amber, what’s the matter with you! You know that he’ll lose his rank and have to go into exile—He might never come back again! If you don’t care what happens to him you should at least have the sense to consider your own future! Get hold of him tonight and tell him there’s no reason for this ridiculous meeting!”

Amber was astonished, and then offended, for he obviously did not consider her sufficient cause for a duel. Her pride hurt, she wanted to hurt him, and now a mocking smile curled the corners of her mouth.

“You surprise me, Lord Carlton,” she said softly.

Bruce looked at her, his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by that?”

She gave a little shrug. “I wouldn’t expect to find you troubled about a meeting with swords. I should think a privateer could defend himself as well as any other man.”

Nan gasped, one hand going to her mouth as though to stop the words her mistress had just spoken. But Bruce’s face had a sort of angry contempt on it.

“I’m not afraid to meet him and you damned well know it! But I don’t care to fight a man without a better reason than this!”

“If you mean me, Lord Carlton, Rex thinks I’m reason enough!”

“Tell him you’ve already had a son by me and see what he thinks about it then!”

“He knows it—and he still wants to fight you! Anyway, I don’t know where he’s gone! If you don’t want to fight, you’ll have to make your own excuses!”

She turned away from him, but as she did so she caught a glimpse of his face staring at her with an expression that was almost frightening, and without another word he wheeled and left the room, his long riding-cape swirling about him.

“Oh, mam!” cried Nan despairingly. “Now what ’ve you done! ”

“I don’t care! He needn’t expect me to beg him off!”

“But it wasn’t because he’s afraid, mam! You know that!”

Irritably Amber gave a kick at a low stool and went back into the bedroom, slamming the door hard to ease her feelings. For a few minutes she paced back and forth, angry with Bruce and Rex and herself and all the world. A pox confound all men! she told herself furiously, and flung off her dressing-gown to get into bed, even though she knew she would not be able to sleep.

When Nan came in an hour or so later Amber was still awake and tossing restlessly, but the anger was beginning to wear off and worry was taking its place. The prospect of the duel did not trouble her, for in spite of the fact that duels were forbidden by law they took place every day and hot-tempered young men fought over the flimsiest pretexts: a quick thoughtless word, bad luck at the gaming-table, the giving or taking of the wall as they passed on the streets, a difference of opinion over religion or wine or a woman. Every gentleman learned to handle his sword almost as soon as he learned to walk, and he knew that the art was acquired to be used.

She was not afraid of having them fight. She was, in fact, flattered and almost pleased—or would have been had Bruce been less frankly insulting—for a duel was not often fatal and was usually stopped at the first drawing of blood. But she was afraid now of what would happen to her when it was over.

Suppose Rex would not forgive her this time? Suppose he did have to leave the country and never came back again? Then what would become of her? She had no illusions left about a woman’s place in Restoration London—she knew that she had been lucky to find a man like Rex Morgan who had loved her. For love was not in fashion any more, and without it a man had no obligations, a woman no rights. She realized all at once that she had been a fool to take such a chance—Of course he was sure to know—Her lame story about Aunt Sarah falling sick! And yet, how else could she have done it? She was forced now to admit to herself that there was only one way she could have avoided this—she should never have left London with Bruce. She had wanted too much, she had been too greedy —and this was what she got for it.